OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Who out there is legally separated?

**Posted by Anon2222** September 5, 2022 9:11 pm

So, I am officially legally separated. As of today. We made up our agreement and signed on the dotted line.

I have felt like crap all day. Depressed as hell. I guess it's real now. He will move his stuff out fully in 2-3 weeks.

So, how else do all you legally separated spouses handle it? Particularly those of you who are now alone (ie: no kids).

I don't know what to do with myself. The depression is not helping. And he's not even technically gone yet. I'm terrified of how bad it's gonna get when he's actually moved out. I am trying to get out and do things....but I'm not finding joy in anything. Mainly I'm just tired and in a funk.

I went to look at a cat for adoption. And she is such a sweet cat that I am seriously considering it. But, on the drive home after I got into a funk because I realized I would be doing this all alone. No one to share the joy and experience with.

Please tell me it gets easier?

I pray one day I don't feel like a used piece of trash with no self esteem. I had more invested in the marriage than even I realized. Turns out I lost myself entirely somewhere along the way. So. I'm slowly trying to climb the mountain to the new me.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** September 5, 2022 11:09 pm

Firstly....well done, congrats, you're almost through the Mindfuck and you can begin to find yourself again.

Secondly.....we all know you're stronger than you think you are

Thirdly.....don't become a cat lady..lol

Elle

**Posted by Rob** September 6, 2022 7:33 am

Anon,

The day my GX left (taking the kids with her for maximum hurt) I cried.. we are empaths and kind normal people and we loved them so it's normal to cry.

At the same time it was like someone lifted a load of bricks off my chest..the stress and walking on eggshells gone..I felt safer.

What do you do now? I think you start by being kind to yourself and know that you can do anything..there is no one to tell you no. No one to inflict fear, obligation, and guilt on you.

I started by buying paint to paint over the walls she painted during the divorce to upset and hurt me.

Pick a project or activity to try..make a cup of your favorite coffee and know that whatever is ahead you wl meet it with self care and kindness to yourself that you showed everyone else.

**Posted by Daryl** September 6, 2022 9:13 am

The first few times you go out and do something solo, it may feel weird, but lose yourself in the moment, especially if it's not just a chore. You may find it's refreshing not to have someone with you, perhaps checking their watch or phone incessantly, wanting to know how much longer before they can leave.

If you want a cat, get a cat! They joy of pet ownership comes from your interactions with the pet, not from observing someone else with them (big exception for small kids though).

**Posted by Victo** September 6, 2022 1:56 pm

I’m sorry, Anon, for all you are going through. To paraphrase some pro-LGBTQIA+ propaganda, it does get better. Once the shock wears off, you will still likely feel pain and mourn the loss of your former stability and intimate partner. It may not be easy, but the situation isn’t always hopeless either.

I hope you find a good cat.

Make sure you do things for you. Every single day. Pick something small that you can only do for yourself and do it. This won’t solve everything but it will help you to move forward.

**Posted by Anon2222** September 6, 2022 8:42 pm

My mother is exhausting.

Today on the phone she told me she was sure I was going to find a good man and be married again soon. I told her I wasn't even sure I was going to be dating again anytime soon, let alone getting married. She said nonsense, of course I want to be married soon *rolls eyes*

So, I changed the subject and started talking about how I went to look at a cat and she was incredibly sweet. This ended with a lecture about how stupid I am and how on earth could I even consider getting a cat. That I can't even think about making such decisions for at least another year. And besides, I have to look at it realistically now....having so many animals will drive men away. No sane man wants a woman with a lot of pets.

I have wanted a cat for years. Gay hubby "put his foot down" and said no more cats. I have 3 dogs and a cat right now. Over the past couple years he decided he hated them and has already told me he wants nothing to do with them and will never have a pet again. Since he came out as bi at first he became increasingly intolerant of the dogs...to the point where they would bark once and he'd be yelling at them. It got to the point where I was paranoid about the dogs doing something "wrong" and all of us getting yelled at.

So, I decided to do something solely for myself....and get a second cat. Even though it probably is a stupid idea and I've had a ton of anxiety over making the wrong decision. But...I just want to do something for myself you know? Be in control of something.

Of course, my mother is also strongly pushing me to rehome my dogs, because a single woman can't handle that many dogs and they'd have a better life with someone else. All of this has been very helpful for the anxiety!

**Posted by Victo** September 6, 2022 9:32 pm

Anon-

I do think there is a link between taking abuse early in life and ending up with a narcissist abuser like your GIDH. From the sound of it, your mother might be less-than-helpful when it comes to your mental health. It sounds like she is projecting HER NEEDS onto you. My guess is she even somewhat sides with your husband.

How maddening. I’m sorry.

If your animals make you happy, then enjoy them and love them. Don’t listen to anyone else. Turn your whole home into an animal shelter if it gives you inner calm and strength.

Just thinking aloud here.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** September 7, 2022 12:21 am

Anon2222 wrote:
My mother is exhausting......!

Another case of an outsider (not IN the r'ship) who just doesn't know what to say. I'm not really sure how my mother would've handled me telling her my partner wanted to see other people. See I can't even say "men" now even though it's you guy & gals I'm commenting to and Mum's no longer here....lol
She was from another generation that didn't talk about some things. But I wish I'd told her because even though she wouldn't know what to say I know she'd be a listening ear

Elle

**Posted by Gloria** September 7, 2022 7:31 am

My mother passed away thirty years ago. I have no idea what she might have said about me having a boyfriend who I discovered that was gay. Please take care of yourself and if a new cat will help, I say do it. I am holding a good thought for you.

**Posted by Abby** September 7, 2022 4:35 pm

My only thought is that if your dogs have been stressed by your husband's behavior perhaps now it not the time to add a new pet. Maybe give them a few months some time to adjust to the new calm and try to interact more with them. All of you will benefit from his absence given that he was an unwilling participant in your lives.

You will feel better yourself if you take care of yourself/pamper yourself. Colors help. Which ones will you use in your home, assuming that it will be yours post-divorce.