OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Anyone stay friends with ex?

**Posted by lily** August 17, 2022 6:56 pm

I think a lot of the time the gay one wants to remain friends until the ink is drying on the dotted line. So that needs to be considered.

image v reality indeed.

The other day I met up with a friend leaving my car in a spot where people regularly carpool from and when she dropped me back there later on there was an exchange going on - a young boy being passed from one parent to the other and he was reaching out his arms and crying for his mummy it was gut wrenching and for me the horrifying thing was I couldn't tell which way it was around - had the mother played the boy into making the scene or was it for real. If so how much pain would she be in to drive away leaving him there and if not, if she had set him up, what an agony to put her son and his father through.

**Posted by kathyinNE** August 18, 2022 10:54 am

After 33 years of marriage I am two months into this nightmare. He too wants to stay best friends.And live his new lifestyle.
I have been dealing with a scheduled family vacation coming up. (whether or not he should come.) I ran it by my adult kids and sister who are coming on the vacation. They turned it right back to me , whatever I need/want.
My counselor asked me to make a pro/con list regarding this decision. I did. When reviewing it with her, she pointed out that the list was 90 % + about everyone but me. Then she asked me to make a list of only my feelings. I did that. All my statements were "I feel, I want, I need. (Can I just say - This was HARD!) This new list came out 100% against him coming on vacation. I was truly surprised by the results. It was very eye opening for me. I was of the mind that we could remain friends. Now? I don't know.

Give yourself the time and space for what you need. That is the biggest take away for me from this exercise.

**Posted by Victo** August 18, 2022 12:00 pm

This is exactly my issue. I WANTED to make our world easy, stress free and fun. But I only succeeded in burying my own needs to please others. It turned into a nightmare for me. I found myself being hollowed out in order to maintain the image of a kind of perfect life.

It was anything but perfect. It left me completely drained and seemingly incapable of doing anything healthy for myself.

Even trying to reclaim a tiny bit of myself was depicted as incredible selfishness on my part. It was a one-way fault system that always left me reeling.

Friendship is not possible with an extreme narcissist like this unless you are willing to always and entirely sacrifice yourself forever.

Given how profoundly they have already deceived us, I recommend against pursuing friendship if you ever want any hope of personal recovery.

What is frustrating for me is that I’m nowhere near “recovery” despite seeing and living this truth. This is not easy in any way.

**Posted by firefly** August 18, 2022 10:41 pm

I can hardly believe that there are so many of us in this situation.
I think the request to be friends is hurtful because there is no space made for our hurt, sadness, grief, anger, confusion, and loss. The coming out spouse often doesn't want to hear it. Society doesn't want to hear it either. I didn't invest decades of my life with someone just to end up as friends.

I wish all of us healing. This is nothing I would wish on anyone.

**Posted by MyExodus** August 19, 2022 11:48 am

!

Last edited by MyExodus (August 21, 2022 9:04 am)

**Posted by Blue Bear** September 19, 2022 5:40 pm

If you have kids, the goal is to be "friendly", not necessarily "friends".

Keep in mind that the person with whom you might be seeking friendship is not the same person as the one you originally met. The person you married was a fantasy, and the person before you now is the real deal. And you don't have to be "friends" with someone who lied to you, married you under false pretenses, and totally used you to fake a heteronormative life.