Hi.  I just broke up with my boyfriend.  Someone I have known for 43 years, but only dated for the last ten.  He, too, seemed to want to stay close/best friends.  Just this afternoon I cut ties.  His messages would make me shake.  Fear of more hurt?  Not sure.  But I listened to my body an cut ties, said we can be friends down the road, but a time-out is required....

I think it's pretty tough when the emotions are running hard and fast, to switch over to being friends instantaneously.  I swear my guy wanted his cake, and to eat it too.  In other words, he still wanted me as his best friend, but wanted sexual freedom with his bisexuality and kink.........

Best advice I can give you, is to listen to your body and your gut.  Take care of YOU.  I know, for myself, I feel relieved and can breathe again.... Tells me that the decision I made was right for me.  Find your truth, act from a loving place (and that includes love for YOU!).  Best of luck in your process.  Hope this helps even a little.  Hugs. 

I found that trying to be close "friends" just prolonged my heartbreak and anger. It took me a long time to let go completely, and in retrospect I can see that it would've been better for me if I had made a clean break sooner. But, of course, you can't stop loving someone instantly just because you want to.  And love can make us do stuff that's not good for us.  People who want to stay "just friends" are trying to minimize their guilt.  It's not your responsibility to let them use you to fix their own feelings.

I can tell you that my wife has stated that she "sees us in each other's lives" regardless of how our marriage turns out. I, however, see things quite differently. If, after 30 years together, she chooses to leave me & destroy our family, just so she can have sex with women, then I NEVER want to interact with/see her again. Too painful & devastating. I'm out, & she'll have to negotiate coming out to her family & our boys on her own. Then, of course, there's the issue of God, but she'll really have to deal with His judgement on her own.

I agree with much of the advice here. I thought I could stay friends for the kids’ sake but it was not possible for me if I was ever going to heal from the devastating abuse of my trust. Real friends don’t do that sort of thing; he wanted his “cover” to stay in place for his own best interest; when we did stuff as a family after we separated and divorced I felt like I was in a theater of the absurd, on stage, giving a performance that really only benefitted him. And yes, my body understood the re-experiencing of some of the trauma  he caused. In his presence I would rethink memories and what the reality was of those, the subterfuge beyond my knowledge, until I did know and everything changed. I will probably always love what I thought I had built with my ex, but it was a house of cards, built on a rotten foundation of his lies. And he’s with another woman now so I experience the guilt almost of being a bystander to his further harm because he surely is not telling this woman the truth—no way. And please note that on this site there is a list of ways to distance yourself from the whole effing charade and charader. My ex moved around the corner from our family home which I got to stay in (another very  stressful negotiation … )  so I changed my routes to get anywhere in town just to avoid driving by his house because I realized each time I did I wanted to put a rock through his front window. Not healthy for me, so I had to let go of him completely and explain my truth to my kids. May you find peace in the aftermath.