OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Finding Ways to Process

**Posted by firefly** April 4, 2022 7:28 pm

Ever since my GH turned my world upside down a few months ago, I have been a mess of emotions, turmoil, pain, and grief.

Recently I ended our therapy sessions with the couple’s therapist (who was extremely unhelpful) and told my husband that I am going to take some time to focus on my own health and not make any decisions right now. My anxiety, panic, and stress have decreased a bit since then. I had felt like I was in a horror movie and was being dragged down a path I didn’t want to be on. I still have all the pain and sadness, but at least my head is clearer. I have a lot of peace in taking time to think and process. I feel more in control.

Here are some things I am doing to process:

I am journaling. Getting thoughts down on paper helps me immensely.

I go for a lot of walks. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I swear like a sailor, and sometimes I am silent.

I am seeing a therapist just for myself.

I found an empty parking lot where I can go sit in my car and scream and rage at this insanity.

I have a friend who is aware of the situation and is a shoulder to cry on.

Sleep is still elusive, however. I am awake for hours at night and struggle to get my mind to slow down and shut off. Does anyone one have ideas on how to calm my mind so I can sleep? Even if my body is tired, my mind will jolt me awake with some new panic thought just as I am falling asleep. I am exhausted.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** April 4, 2022 10:03 pm

Box breathing, aka square breathing, or navy seal breathing, is what works for me. (You can google them and find instructions online; also google the "stasis breathing program.") Deep breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which counters the "flight or flight" reflex of the "stress and injury" sympathetic nervous system, and helps you relax. In addition to the benefits of the breathing itself, I find that in focusing so closely on my breath, counting the beats of the intake, hold, and exhale, I don't have room to focus on anything else.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 4, 2022 10:04 pm)

**Posted by walkbymyself** April 5, 2022 2:17 pm

I'm still waking up in the middle of the night raging. I can hold it back during the day, but somehow when I try to fall asleep, my defenses collapse.

My D-day was in December 2017, I filed for divorce in August 2018, and my divorce was final in January 2021.

**Posted by Marianne** April 5, 2022 2:34 pm

When you have a lot of stress, the body itself can be too tense to let you sleep (you know, that "fight or flight" mode). Here is a trick to relax your body: inhale, focus on e.g. your jaw muscles and mindfully relax them while you exhale. Repeat this for all parts of your face, neck and back, all parts of your body that feel tense.
This is a skill that takes a few days or weeks to learn but it is extremely helpful. It is can be combined with the square breathing as well.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 5, 2022 3:37 pm

Am I lucky? I no longer have to process. I know where I am and how I got here. Many peaks and troughs. Some of the troughs were so deep I thought I'd never come up again and the peaks were sometimes a challenge to stop myself from stepping off them.
It's been 5 years to reach a point where I can be comfortable in my resentment. I've learned a lot about myself and know there's still a way to go before I get to the end of this.

Elle

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 5, 2022 3:43 pm

Marianne wrote:
When you have a lot of stress, the body itself can be too tense to let you sleep (you know, that "fight or flight" mode). Here is a trick to relax your body: inhale, focus on e.g. your jaw muscles and mindfully relax them while you exhale. Repeat this for all parts of your face, neck and back, all parts of your body that feel tense.
This is a skill that takes a few days or weeks to learn but it is extremely helpful. It is can be combined with the square breathing as well.

Yes this!
Sleep at night....or rather wakeful and troubled sleep at night was one of my biggest hurdles in the earlier days. Breathing is what keeps you alive, and breathing, concentration & relaxation the best tool for the engine that is your body

Elle

**Posted by firefly** April 5, 2022 8:35 pm

Thank you all! It is always so helpful to know I am not alone. I have definitely had nights where I woke up almost every hour practically jumping out of bed in a rage. I will try these breathing techniques. Deep breathing is something I used to do to calm myself down if I was stressed about something, but I had forgotten about it. It's like my brain has been hijacked and I am just in survival mode.

**Posted by Upside** April 18, 2022 1:31 pm

Box breathing is great. Audio meditations on YouTube, Spotify, or a specific meditation app may help. White noise or other machines can assist. If the night is especially a concern, you can try melatonin sleep gummies.

With time the rage will fade. Each day is a battle won. The waves will get smaller and smaller until you no longer notice them, and when you do, you will observe them with new perspective.

Wishing you happiness on the road ahead.