OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

**Posted by Iamsoconfused** September 23, 2021 1:21 pm

So my wife has been encouraging me to get out of the house and go spend time with guy friends. I am struggling to understand why she is pushing this so much. Does she want me to get used to the idea of being away from her? Does she just need space without me around (she will have to watch the kids anyway).

We have a guys camping trip scheduled in October and I know what is going to happen. I'm going to get stuck in my head the whole trip. Wonder what she is doing and who she is talking to. I will be depressed and anxious and all the guys are going to wonder what is going on.

Anyone here have a gay spouse who was encouraging them to get away for a bit? She's really been pushing for us each to spend some time for ourselves lately and balancing the kids. Just has me wondering what's in her head.

Last edited by Iamsoconfused (September 23, 2021 1:22 pm)

**Posted by Julian_Stone** September 23, 2021 1:37 pm

Iamsoconfused wrote:
So my wife has been encouraging me to get out of the house and go spend time with guy friends. I am struggling to understand why she is pushing this so much. Does she want me to get used to the idea of being away from her? Does she just need space without me around (she will have to watch the kids anyway).

We have a guys camping trip scheduled in October and I know what is going to happen. I'm going to get stuck in my head the whole trip. Wonder what she is doing and who she is talking to. I will be depressed and anxious and all the guys are going to wonder what is going on.

Anyone here have a gay spouse who was encouraging them to get away for a bit? She's really been pushing for us each to spend some time for ourselves lately and balancing the kids. Just has me wondering what's in her head.

None of us can say what her motive is...but if you have the chance to get away with friends: Take it...Allow yourself a break from all this. I think the space will actually be very good for you. I wish I'd done the same myself.

**Posted by Rob** September 23, 2021 2:08 pm

Iamsoconfused,

Yeah my GX had encouraged me to join a sport once a week. I enjoyed it a lot and it gave me sanity and stress relief. She also encouraged me meeting up with some of my work friends.

But it was double edged sword..she had her girlfriend and her girlfriends kids over when I was out. She also then would argue with me saying I go out so so should she. But I was not having sex with my friends and she did not have to worry about that. She knew damn well why I was upset when she went out...but would try to make me feel bad for being upset and use that excuse..

So sorry. Gather strength and support. Know that your feelings are true and moral..

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** September 23, 2021 2:38 pm

Iamsoconfused wrote:
.Anyone here have a gay spouse who was encouraging them to get away for a bit?

Nope, I have a bisexual partner who messed me up so much emotionally that for a while I didn't know which way was up! It always seemed he was trying to pull me back into sexual/open r'ship he was comfortable with.
Thankfully I pulled myself up out of the hole I was in, the dark, deep hole where I was too afraid to be apart from my partner for any length of time.... and arranged for my own 5 week holiday. My 4 children all live in different parts of the country so I visited them all.
Once upon a time I would be suspicious (just like you) that my partner had ulterior motives. It's a draining space to be in right?

That guys weekend sounds like a great chance to work on being away from your wife

Elle

**Posted by Iamsoconfused** September 28, 2021 6:21 pm

My wife came home from therapy today and told me her therapist is recommending she get on some antidepressants. Also recommended a few couples therapists. My wife made it a point to mention to me that her depression is not a result of what we have going on so not to connect them together (I'll let the therapist be the judge there).

Can anyone relate to their spouse being depressed as it related to their sexual identity? I can't help wonder if her telling me she thinks she's queer is a result of some of the issues we got going on in our relationship. Has anyone had experience with a spouse coming out and then deciding they were wrong after all? Is it even possible that a person could turn another person gay if they were that unhappy? Just trying to make sense of it all and where her mind is at.

Last edited by Iamsoconfused (September 28, 2021 6:22 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** September 28, 2021 7:05 pm

Iamsoconfused wrote:
......
Can anyone relate to their spouse being depressed as it related to their sexual identity? I can't help wonder if her telling me she thinks she's queer is a result of some of the issues we got going on in our relationship. .....

I know this is not what you want to hear but I'm further along this road than you and have ceased blaming myself and trying to fix us or find answers.
I am now celibate. That is what this whole thing has done. I have compartmentalized our non-existent sex life from our everyday life. If my partner decides he does want to fulfill his bisexual side... So be it. It'll be another step along my path

Elle

**Posted by lily** September 28, 2021 7:23 pm

Hi

Of course her depression is related to her sexuality - it's everybody's bottom line isn't it? (bad joke intended)

The boomerang gay spouse is very common. The depression is most likely due to a break up with a girlfriend.

My ex was a bit theatrical - at one stage his entire wardrobe was grey, same shade of grey, from the socks on up.

Look after yourself first as much as you can,

Lily

Last edited by lily (September 28, 2021 7:32 pm)

**Posted by Daryl** September 28, 2021 11:51 pm

I think it's far more possible that depression could be a result of repressed desires, even subconsciously repressed ones. I also don't believe in conversion caused by being unhappy about what someone else does. If you're wondering if you somehow influenced her shift in gender attraction, I don't believe it works that way. Blame transference is a real thing however.

Be well.

**Posted by walkbymyself** September 29, 2021 3:19 pm

I don't think depression can turn a person gay.

Be well. You sound like a good person, and your concern for your wife is really touching.

You're just starting out ... it takes a long time for complete feelings to emerge. Give yourself a little time, and I also think you could consider seeing a therapist on your own. A lot of the questions you're asking could be better addressed by someone with the right training.

**Posted by Rob** September 30, 2021 6:19 am

Confused,

I can say my GX was on antidepressants the while time our marriage unraveled..she wouldn't tell me why she was on them...then I found all the evidence of her gay affair ..

So sorry.

Regardless of whether she's depressed, gay, or a green alien I want to warn you that the antidepressants could make her indifferent and cold.. I know because during the divorce I was a wreck and needed to go on them...they helped tremendously yet they curbed my feeling things..I called them my "indifference pills"...my kid could look at me crying and I could empathize but not feel it..could not cry along. It explains a lot how my GX was able to be so cruel ..

Know that you did nothing wrong but love her..know that your feelings are just and true.