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September 19, 2021 1:22 am  #1


Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Hello Everyone,

I am so confused, scared, depressed, stressed and full of anxiety.
My wife of 10 years and 2 kids told me I. august she was queer.  That she was not sure if she loved me romantically anymore and that if we were not married she would probably try to meet a woman.

My wife is going though a bit of a deconstruction.  She's questioning her religious upbringing, who she is as a person and who she loves and is attracted to.  She's not sure if her feelings are her own or a product of living in a conservative home where she's was taught that she grows up to marry a man.

She told me she is attracted to masculinity but wither that is a man or a woman she is still trying to figure out.  She started seeing a therapist.

I am 37 and she is 35.  I am the sole breadwinner.  She stays home to take care of the kids.  She is fully dependent on me financially along with my two kids.  She told me that whatever happens as a result of her therapy she wants to remain close friends and co parent our kids.  She's also not ruling out marriage counseling to see if we can rekindle what we lost but right now she's just going by herself.

Deep down inside I feel like she's already made her decision but she does not have a plan in place to be able to exit the relationship.  Though she has given no indication this is the case I feel it in gut.

Part of her issues is she's feeling like she's lost a part of herself.  She's wanting more independence and me helping her get that outside of being a mom and wife I fee like I'm setting up for my own divorce later down the line.

I just don't know how to process all this.  I want to be fully supportive of her.  I want to rekindle what we had and I'm committed to that.  It's very painful to hear her tell me she needs space to let herself think and to expect me to be there at the same time.  Any time I try to show I care or any affection I'm suddenly smothering her.

I've been sworn to secrecy and I can't tell anyone yet she has told a select few friends.  No family other than her lesbian cousin know anything.
I feel like I'm handcuffed to the closet door that she's yet to come out of.
I am also hopeful she is just confused and things will work out and reason why she's just identifying as queer for now.

I need help and support I am not okay.

Last edited by Iamsoconfused (September 19, 2021 1:27 am)

 

September 19, 2021 2:30 am  #2


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Iamsoconfused wrote:

.....She's wanting more independence and me helping her get that outside of being a mom and wife I fee like I'm setting up for my own divorce later down the line....i

 
Welcome to the Straightspouse Forum
Have you read the First Aid Kit? It's at the
top of the General Board. Good advice and support there.

One thing I can tell you... If this scares you and is not what you want... Don't help her. I'm not saying be dismissive or mean, simply be true, honest... with yourself. (edited to say)...and honest with your wife.

We're here for you

Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (September 19, 2021 2:21 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 19, 2021 3:12 am  #3


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

One thing I am struggling with is wither I have a right to tells those close to me what is going on in my life despite what my wife is dealing with.  I don't want to out her maliciously, Especially since she is just kinda starting to discover herself.  I just feel like telling people on my side what's going on would provide so much more closure and sense to people when I explain the relationship issues happening in my marriage.

I do still love my wife and I don't want to hurt her but I need to look after myself too.

     Thread Starter
 

September 19, 2021 3:27 am  #4


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Iamsoconfused,

It is OK, to not be OK.

You are sworn to secrecy, yet she has told her friends? Don’t allow that. You have a right to talk to anyone you want, whether they are members of your family or your own friends. Do not allow her to put you in her closet to keep it warm while she goes out to find herself. Your thoughts and feelings are justified and just as valid as her’s. It is a shock to have this revelation blindsided on you. It is OK and perfectly natural for you to be feeling the way you do. As men we have a natural desire to fix things, to put them right on a practical level. We will go to into this default mode when challenges present themselves and this situation is no different. When the situation is like this one, with no obvious solution the anxieties will build. One solution for you is to take charge in regard to what is best for your children over your wife. Keep this at the forefront of your mind as a grounding for the direction you both must take. You may be lucky in a way. Some of the posters on this site have had to endure years of abuse and lies in relation to their situations. Others have found ways to accommodate their partner’s  needs in an open, honest way by redefining the terms of their relationships.
 Going back to practical matters. You will need to understand where all this has come from. I can assure you that you are not to blame and have done nothing wrong. it could be that there is a catalyst somewhere to this questioning that she has. That catalyst could be a person who has sown and tended to seeds of doubt in her mind. There is a document doing the rounds called the Lesbian masterdoc which has caused a great deal of controversy. To some it is seen as a guide to help questioning women reach the inevitable conclusion that they have always been gay. To others (and to me) it reads almost as a recruitment pamphlet by preying on the psychological and situational nuances of sexual attraction and desire. Perhaps you could ask if she has read this? Nobody knows what is in someone else’s head. You can never truly know how someone feels. Your wife is at least an honest person by telling you of her troubled mind. Some don’t have that benefit, and your wife is at least communicating with you. The standard it seems, is for the partner to identify as bisexual in the short term. This has two purposes. Firstly, the shock to themselves is lessened and it allows them to grow into a gay identity. The second, to allow their partners to get used to the idea of having them having a same sex attraction. It is the old “bi now, gay later” solution. Again, your wife may be totally honest and upfront with you about her journey. As a crumb of comfort, be thankful for this.

Stay in touch with us and feel free to share anything that you want. We will never tire of helping those who walk in our own footsteps. You my friend are not alone.

4954 days…


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

September 19, 2021 3:47 am  #5


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Most of the people she has told are just close aquantiances.  None of the childhood friends and family know of our struggles.  She could literally change her mind and tell the same people and they wouldn't even bat an eye.

She's concerned what people will think that are close to her.  Her parents, my parents and our friends are all unaware.  But she's picking and chooing who she's talking to.

Seems to me she's still unsure and wants to sort it out in therapy first before telling the world.  Which make sense but it's not fair that I have to carry that burdon too.  I should be able to tell my parents and close friends that my wife has a same sex attraction.

I'm sure scared that I'd I do tell someone and then she backtracks that it might ruin any change at a healthy relationship.

     Thread Starter
 

September 19, 2021 5:19 am  #6


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Iamsoconfused wrote:

One thing I am struggling with is wither I have a right to tells those close to me what is going on in my life despite what my wife is dealing with.....
I do still love my wife and I don't want to hurt her but I need to look after myself too.

 
Of course you still love her...however be careful not to lose yourself. My partner wanted time to explore. I said no. He has accepted that but it's changed our r'ship irreversibly, and who knows if he won't want to be off on his own at some point.
You're at the start of the Mindfuck and will have some stormy times ahead

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 19, 2021 5:30 am  #7


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

I think that it unlikely that she will backtrack on feeling a same sex attraction. It seems that his only grows when it is accepted and understood by the questioning partner. What then follows is the choice. As you have quite rightly pointed out, no decision has been made on her part as to what comes next. She may fear the judgement of her peers and family and decide to re-enter the closet and try to work on your relationship. The problem with this is that it leaves a sizeable rainbow elephant in the room for your relationship. This may lead ultimately to resentment, which is where I am at the moment. If they decide not to “come out”, who does this benefit really? Something that you said in your opening paragraph is quite revealing of her current mindset. She has admitted that if she was not with you, she would be with a woman. That is not the thought process of a heterosexual woman. These are the thoughts of a lesbian woman. Other heterosexual women on this forum may be able to discount my statement, but I believe that having such thoughts indicates that she is already coming to terms with her gay identity. Prepare yourself for that realisation. The gay partners seem to regress into a sort of sexual and romantic adolescence that they find exciting and new when they are happy to wear their newly found identity.
But, I will stress that you are free to talk to who ever you want to about your own thoughts and feelings. Your mental health is just as important as her’s. If she decides that she isn’t gay and it was a mistake, then you can communicate this after the fact. It is laudable to have her welfare uppermost in your mind. You still love her and will continue to do so. This is because you are a human being, a husband, a father and a friend. It hurts like nothing else, and there is no shame in that pain because it shows to yourself and the world that you are a kind and caring person. Remember, she can’t change her mind on this. It is not a conscious thought that can be rationalised away.  She can deny it to you and herself, but that doesn’t make it just go away. What she is going through is a process that may be frightening for her and obviously for you. I think that you should prepare yourself mentally for the realisation I believe she is going to come to. Share this with those close to you and build your own support. As a man, you will need this support for yourself if you intend to support your wife. Reach out to those you trust who you can rely on to respect your wishes for confidentiality, if you don’t feel you can, then please look for your own professional counselling.

Be well,

Ordinary guy


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

September 19, 2021 2:43 pm  #8


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

My comments in red..

Iamsoconfused wrote:

One thing I am struggling with is wither I have a right to tells those close to me what is going on in my life despite what my wife is dealing with. This is your life. This is happening to you.
You have every right to talk to people you know will keep your confidence. 

I don't want to out her maliciously, One of the first things my partner of 32 years said to me was "I'll die if anybody else reads this (the email telling me he wanted to explore with men) and for a while I felt like I should keep it secret but it was doing tragic things to my self-esteem, having nobody to talk to so in the end I was honest and self-aware enough to realise keeping it inside myself would only hurt me more. I chose people I knew would have my side. It was a relief to not be the only one who knew what I was going through.
 Especially since she is just kinda starting to discover herself. You may have to...actually you will have to...accept that this is not something you have any control over. It sounds like she's been thinking about this (within herself) for longer than you think. 
I just feel like telling people on my side what's going on would provide so much more closure and sense to people when I explain the relationship issues happening in my marriage. You're absolutely right, it will give context, just remember to choose your confidantes carefully and know they will have your back
I do still love my wife and I don't want to hurt her but I need to look after myself too. You are the most important person in your life at the moment, and your wife is the most important person in hers...

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 19, 2021 3:08 pm  #9


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

So how do I deal with all these trust issues I am having all of a sudden?  This weekend she went to visit a friend a few hours away for her baby shower.  I was home with the kids.  It was the worst weekend for me,. I am over thinking everything and all of a sudden I don't trust her despite her not giving me a reason to not trust her.

I've noticed a new found energy she has a bit despite some health issues.  She's doing her makeup,. Getting dressed, going out more.  I can't help but think she's always decided who she is.  How do I protect myself and my kids while still being supportive?

     Thread Starter
 

September 19, 2021 4:05 pm  #10


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Comments in red 

Iamsoconfused wrote:

So how do I deal with all these trust issues I am having all of a sudden? Trust is the collateral damage in all this. What hurts the most is our partners/wives/husbands don't seem to 'see' trust the same as us. In my situation my partner told me I had to move on and put it behind me, the mistrust, as if the trust I had in him means nothing. It was quite unbelievable and demoralising for me. 
This weekend she went to visit a friend a few hours away for her baby shower. I was home with the kids. It was the worst weekend for me,.I am over thinking everything and all of a sudden I don't trust her despite her not giving me a reason to not trust her. She has given you a reason to feel like you can't trust her though?. But the mistrust is yours so as brutal as I may sound....you have to deal with it. At the start of my own Mindfuck I was like you, my world in disarray/confused about who I was to my partner/not wanting to lose what I had and as individuals we all do this differently (I was a wreck, I must have cried solid for a year...which was easier for me than it will be for you because my children are adults so I could concentrate on my pain. But as soon as the switch inside me flicked on and I started looking at myself as an individual, not a couple, decisions became easier to make. I actually gave myself a time limit after reading that many couples in straight/bisexual r'ships last 3 years after the initial "I think I might be gay/bisexual" admission. I decided "okay, after 3 years I'll see how I feel" In those 3 years I saw a lawyer (it's crucial to know where you stand in all this. It may feel like a really bad move, make you feel guilty but you need advice. You have little ones to think of.
I've noticed a new found energy she has a bit despite some health issues. She's doing her makeup,. Getting dressed, going out more. I can't help but think she's always decided who she is. How do I protect myself and my kids while still being supportive?
You protect yourself by thinking of yourself and your children.The new energy/make-up/going out is her being comfortable with who she is and I believe many gay/bisexual people think it's okay to have cake at home but go out  and eat it too. As for being supportive.....would you be supportive if it was a man she was going out with?  

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

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