OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Took Another Step Forward

**Posted by broomhilda2** September 17, 2021 1:28 am

I haven't posted in a while but have made some recent progress in getting myself out of my marriage.

It's been 2 years since I kicked my husband out of our room and started the process of deprogramming. I had been afraid for so long that I would be destroyed & homeless if I left. As I distanced myself I was able to start to realize all the subtle mind tricks he pulled on me over the years. I have been doing a lot of self-work and FINALLY talked to a lawyer at the beginning of the summer.

Last week - I FILED FOR DIVORCE!
He was served with papers today and we will meet with a mediator on Friday.
I have no idea how this will all turn out but letting go of the shame helped me to start treating myself better and motivated me to take another step every few days towards a new life.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** September 17, 2021 2:43 am

broomhilda2 wrote:
....Last week - I FILED FOR DIVORCE!
He was served with papers today and we will meet with a mediator on Friday.
I have no idea how this will all turn out but letting go of the shame helped me to start treating myself better and motivated me to take another step every few days towards a new life.

Broom... Well done, you've let go of what was holding you to him. I'm not there yet. I keep trying to see a time and place that will be the right time and place, but can't yet. My partner makes it easy by being so amenable and I have no demands on me so I'm willing to go with the status quo for now

Elle

**Posted by Gloria** September 17, 2021 9:09 am

I am happy for you.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** September 17, 2021 11:23 am

One foot in front of another is how we get free. Congratulations on taking this giant step out of his crazy.

**Posted by broomhilda2** September 17, 2021 3:51 pm

Well, I'm back from the mediator and I'm a bit frazzled. I'm trying to feel good that I took another step today. My GH was eerily silent during our meeting but one thing's for certain, he's pissed.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:
I'm willing to go with the status quo for now

Elle - I totally understand.
I did that for another 9 years but felt lonely & resentful the entire time. I'm now 50 so I don't want to waste any more of my precious life on an emotional parasite. I wouldn't have made a move if I didn't feel I would be somewhat okay financially, which I've been working hard on over the last year (inspired by you btw). I was also more comfortable moving forward once I started working with a lawyer (as everyone here had advised).

Gloria, MJM017, OutofHisCloset - Thank you so much!

longwayhome - Thank you, Thank you!!! I'm not out yet but feeling good. Finally feeling a little more in control and hopeful. Thanks for your support, it's been helpful for me to hear your perspective. You are doing a lot of hard work as well and it will pay off!! Day by day, step by calculated step.

**Posted by Soaplife** September 17, 2021 5:39 pm

broomhilda2 wrote:
Well, I'm back from the mediator and I'm a bit frazzled. I'm trying to feel good that I took another step today. My GH was eerily silent during our meeting but one thing's for certain, he's pissed.

Well done on taking positive steps towards freedom. The dynamic in your relationship has changed - you have taken back your agency and he is no longer calling the shots - so naturally he is royally pissed! And that is the difference between you - you feel frazzled, sad and regretful about divorce - he only feels pissed that he is about to lose his cover, his comfy life and slave-wife.

So my only advice is to keep any negotiations strictly lawyer to lawyer. This is a business negotiation now, to enforce your legal right to your fair share of the marital assets that you have worked hard to accumulate, and to start off your new life on a reasonably secure financial footing.

Avoid discussion with your stbx about the process. You will be at a disadvantage because you feel a pain about this that your stbx simply doesn't - but he can sure as heck try to use your pain to minimise his financial loss.

You are doing great. Its not easy but life is better on the other side. ((Hugs))

**Posted by broomhilda2** September 17, 2021 6:33 pm

Soaplife wrote:
Well done on taking positive steps towards freedom. The dynamic in your relationship has changed - you have taken back your agency and he is no longer calling the shots - so naturally he is royally pissed! And that is the difference between you - you feel frazzled, sad and regretful about divorce - he only feels pissed that he is about to lose his cover, his comfy life and slave-wife.

Those are great points. Thank you. We're still in the same house so I feel almost compelled to try and make him feel "better". But you're right, I have to be careful not to give him anything to use against me and keep my emotions in check. Time to negotiate through lawyers only.

**Posted by broomhilda2** September 17, 2021 7:51 pm

longwayhome wrote:
Do you have a backup plan, if he starts to get to be too much, so you can leave for awhile?

No, I don't. That is something to think about though. He's generally very passive and we have a teenager in the house so I don't expect any shenanigans while our child is around.🤞I am more worried about what he's doing to prepare to fight me now that he knows I intend to leave. If I had to, I could go to my parents.

**Posted by Rob** September 17, 2021 11:12 pm

Broom,

I must 6 years? divorced and my life is so much better. Like God gave me my life back.

My GX made the divorce hell but it doesn't have to be that way. I'll never understand it...she didn't want to be married to me anymore but she wanted all the benefits of being married to me...hence the anger.
The divorce, to me, is pomp and circumstance. These spouses left us long ago (despite living in the same house).
They cannot hurt us and then expect no consequences.

Wishing you strength and stoicism. Know that God does not want us to live abused and hurt.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** September 17, 2021 11:46 pm

broomhilda2 wrote:
..... I wouldn't have made a move if I didn't feel I would be somewhat okay financially, which I've been working hard on over the last year (inspired by you btw). ....

*hugs* from me

Elle