OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



September 17, 2021 1:28 am  #1


Took Another Step Forward

I haven't posted in a while but have made some recent progress in getting myself out of my marriage.

It's been 2 years since I kicked my husband out of our room and started the process of deprogramming. I had been afraid for so long that I would be destroyed & homeless if I left. As I distanced myself I was able to start to realize all the subtle mind tricks he pulled on me over the years. I have been doing a lot of self-work and FINALLY talked to a lawyer at the beginning of the summer.

Last week - I FILED FOR DIVORCE!
He was served with papers today and we will meet with a mediator on Friday.
I have no idea how this will all turn out but letting go of the shame helped me to start treating myself better and motivated me to take another step every few days towards a new life.
 

 

September 17, 2021 2:43 am  #2


Re: Took Another Step Forward

broomhilda2 wrote:

....Last week - I FILED FOR DIVORCE!
He was served with papers today and we will meet with a mediator on Friday.
I have no idea how this will all turn out but letting go of the shame helped me to start treating myself better and motivated me to take another step every few days towards a new life.
 

 
Broom... Well done, you've let go of what was holding you to him. I'm not there yet. I keep trying to see a time and place that will be the right time and place, but can't yet. My partner makes it easy by being so amenable and I have no demands on me so I'm willing to go with the status quo for now

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 17, 2021 9:09 am  #3


Re: Took Another Step Forward

I am happy for you.

 

September 17, 2021 11:23 am  #4


Re: Took Another Step Forward

One foot in front of another is how we get free.  Congratulations on taking this giant step out of his crazy.  

 

September 17, 2021 12:29 pm  #5


Re: Took Another Step Forward

That is wonderful news. Congratulations!!

Sending good thoughts that things go very well for you.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

September 17, 2021 3:51 pm  #6


Re: Took Another Step Forward

Well, I'm back from the mediator and I'm a bit frazzled. I'm trying to feel good that I took another step today. My GH was eerily silent during our meeting but one thing's for certain, he's pissed.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

I'm willing to go with the status quo for now

Elle - I totally understand.
I did that for another 9 years but felt lonely & resentful the entire time. I'm now 50 so I don't want to waste any more of my precious life on an emotional parasite. I wouldn't have made a move if I didn't feel I would be somewhat okay financially, which I've been working hard on over the last year (inspired by you btw). I was also more comfortable moving forward once I started working with a lawyer (as everyone here had advised).

Gloria, MJM017, OutofHisCloset - Thank you so much!

longwayhome - Thank you, Thank you!!! I'm not out yet but feeling good. Finally feeling a little more in control and hopeful. Thanks for your support, it's been helpful for me to hear your perspective. You are doing a lot of hard work as well and it will pay off!! Day by day, step by calculated step.
 

     Thread Starter
 

September 17, 2021 5:39 pm  #7


Re: Took Another Step Forward

broomhilda2 wrote:

Well, I'm back from the mediator and I'm a bit frazzled. I'm trying to feel good that I took another step today. My GH was eerily silent during our meeting but one thing's for certain, he's pissed.
 

Well done on taking positive steps towards freedom.  The dynamic in your relationship has changed - you have taken back your agency and he is no longer calling the shots - so naturally he is royally pissed! And that is the difference between you - you feel frazzled, sad and regretful about divorce - he only feels pissed that he is about to lose his cover, his comfy life and slave-wife.

So my only advice is to keep any negotiations strictly lawyer to lawyer.  This is a business negotiation now, to enforce your legal right to your fair share of the marital assets that you have worked hard to accumulate, and to start off your new life on a reasonably secure financial footing.

Avoid discussion with your stbx about the process. You will be at a disadvantage because you feel a pain about this that your stbx simply doesn't - but he can sure as heck try to use your pain to minimise his financial loss.

You are doing great.  Its not easy but life is better on the other side. ((Hugs))

 

September 17, 2021 6:33 pm  #8


Re: Took Another Step Forward

Soaplife wrote:

Well done on taking positive steps towards freedom. The dynamic in your relationship has changed - you have taken back your agency and he is no longer calling the shots - so naturally he is royally pissed! And that is the difference between you - you feel frazzled, sad and regretful about divorce - he only feels pissed that he is about to lose his cover, his comfy life and slave-wife.

Those are great points. Thank you. We're still in the same house so I feel almost compelled to try and make him feel "better". But you're right, I have to be careful not to give him anything to use against me and keep my emotions in check. Time to negotiate through lawyers only. 
 

     Thread Starter
 

September 17, 2021 7:51 pm  #9


Re: Took Another Step Forward

longwayhome wrote:

Do you have a backup plan, if he starts to get to be too much, so you can leave for awhile?

No, I don't. That is something to think about though. He's generally very passive and we have a teenager in the house so I don't expect any shenanigans while our child is around.🤞I am more worried about what he's doing to prepare to fight me now that he knows I intend to leave. If I had to, I could go to my parents.
 

     Thread Starter
 

September 17, 2021 9:14 pm  #10


Re: Took Another Step Forward

Broom,

I agree on keeping your emotions in check and your divorce strategies to yourself.  It's difficult to live in the same house while going through a divorce.   Keep as busy as you can to distract yourself with enjoyable activities. It will keep you calm and will keep your intellect sharp.  It'll be easier to handle/ignore STBX's inevitable temper tantrums and high pressure tactics.  My attorney's pet name for my then h was Mr. Crazy Pants. It helped me not to take h's posturing seriously.

Keep in mind what your lawyer told you what the probable outcome of the case might be.  They've handled many divorce cases with different variables. 

I think we're in the same state. Family court is bursting at the seams. The court wants you processed and finished. Whiny respondents get shut down quickly.

Good luck & keep your eyes on the prize!

Edited for content.

Last edited by MJM017 (September 17, 2021 9:26 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum