straightwife

   What an awful situation for you.  

   The only way you can know for sure what the financial landscape could look like for you is to consult an attorney.  You might discover that the picture is brighter than you are imagining.  Also, staying married comes with its own financial risks.  His behavior might result in a situation in which you are legally or financially liable.  And in addition to financial and legal ramifications, there are social ones: my sister's husband was found dead with his pants down around his ankles in a section of a public park that was a notorious gay cruising spot.  

   Your husband may say "none of [the men] mean anything," and while it may be true that individually they don't mean anything, his behavior says that collectively they mean everything.  They mean enough that he can't or won't stop having sex with them; they mean enough that he is willing to lie to you, to deceive you, to break an explicit promise to you, to risk your health and life (the STIs), to risk his social standing (the arrests), to risk his financial future (you might in fact decide to divorce him), to risk his family (I assume you have children).   

   What you know now is that his behavior is never going to stop, because it's not "a lifestyle" it's a sexual orientation.  If you decide that indeed you will stay with him (full disclosure: I divorced my now-ex after 35 years of marriage, when I was 64, with financial consequences, although I did have my own retirement account), you will want to protect yourself as best you can.  There are important financial considerations to consider that have nothing to do with retirement income, such as the government requirement one must exhaust savings and assets in order to qualify for government support for assisted living or memory care facilities.   Again, please consult an attorney about your options and the best way to protect yourself financially and legally. 

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 28, 2021 3:19 pm)

Straightwife how devastating for you.  When the kids are gone and you are confronted with the reality of the future alone with your husband it is truly ghastly.

That's what finished me. Contemplating old age with him. He was closeted at the time and a very angry man. He came out after we were divorced.

With OoHC and BlueBear, I also strongly recommend you seek advice from a good family law attorney to get accurate information about what divorce would mean for you financially. It may be more doable than you think.

I am 59, was 54 when I left him,  and have been divorced 3 years. I am financially OK, we had no debt and I got 67% - the maximum without going to court.  Divorce in my neck of the woods is no fault and relatively easy.  Not so in many other places I know. So see an attorney and get the facts.

Last edited by Soaplife (July 28, 2021 6:28 pm)

Maria,
 I was not referring to your post at all.  (If I had been, I would have addressed you by name.)  No criticism intended.  No issue with anything you said.  No worries. 

Yes there are obstacles to an easy divorce - money religion family friends health and home and let's not mention the children let alone what the GID spouse might want to do.  But it is money that you think of first, it might not be the most important element but it is the practical thought - can I manage if I leave.

It's the first thing you think of after acknowledging you want a divorce.  I was lucky too, my equation said worst case scenario I will still be able to make a home, just need to move to a remote place.  that means I was pretty desperate for a divorce!

after nearly 38 years in a MOM I can attest it was a deteriorating situation.  it's devastating.

Longway you are a terrific poster, kind hearted and supportive to so many and you are right, for some people the money equation doesn't work, but still - first cab off the rank has to be to suggest getting legal advice and to encourage the poster to explore her options.

Getting away for a holiday, a visit with a family member is good.  

wishing you all the best, straight wife, Lily.