OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Stress management for daily life

**Posted by hellobritty** July 20, 2021 7:17 pm

So, my husband is currently transitioning to female, hormones and all. Like I've said before I can't leave the home due to financial circumstances and a small child. It's unbelievably stressful to watch this transition. I've recently been to the doctor and my blood pressure is going up and up. I'm only 36. The doc said to stop stressing so much. I can't!! I literally can't. Any tips for stress reduction from people dealing with a similar issue?

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** July 20, 2021 8:31 pm

hellobritty wrote:
....Any tips for stress reduction from people dealing with a similar issue?

Detach detach detach is the only advice I can offer. And that will take a conscious effort on your part.
Easy to say.. Difficult to do, especially when you're mired in something you feel has no end. More difficult with a young child.
Is there somewhere you can go.. To gain a bit of space, time to breathe so you can think?

Elle

**Posted by hellobritty** July 20, 2021 8:32 pm

Yes, detach is a good idea. It's hard to reconcile what he his now to who he used to be. Maybe a vacation...

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** July 20, 2021 9:08 pm

hellobritty wrote:
Yes, detach is a good idea. It's hard to reconcile what he his now to who he used to be. Maybe a vacation...

Omg yes! If you can do that yes, do it. With family, friends....people who are aware of your situation...

Elle

**Posted by Soaplife** July 20, 2021 10:23 pm

Hello britty, yes, if you can get away for a little holiday, just you and your son, it would be very helpful for your stress.

My gxh holidayed in Paris for 2 months while my youngest son and myself came home (it was planned that way as son had to go back to school).

Those 2 months at home without gxh were such a circuit breaker. We could relax, no fear of sudden rages or cutting remarks. It gave me precious time to think, to attend counselling, and to realise how much better life was without gxh there.

I was able to line up my ducks during that break, and left with my son the day after gxh came home. But even if you cant leave a break will give you time and space to think and strategise your future to find a way to cope that is doable for you.

Its a hard road xx

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** July 21, 2021 7:33 am

Suggestions and strategies offered so far are all good ones: longwayhome's give you ways to understand intellectually the effects of the stress you're under (the van der Kolk--he of "The Body Keeps the Score"), as well as concrete ways to lessen that stress; a holiday/vacation or time away as "circuit breaker" would be great triage, although if you are with others, they should be people who know your situation, because otherwise you will be stressing out over the secret). Counseling just for you, too, is a good idea.

These are all great strategies for the short run, for the time you must endure in a stressful situation that will not go away, so I would add only that steps (however small) you can take toward a future free of your transformed spouse will serve to give you hope for the future and satisfaction that you are working to make it a reality.

**Posted by Rob** July 21, 2021 3:21 pm

I'm going to suggest for now, temporarily,to talk to a psychiatrist or doctor about antidepressants and other medication to handle the stress.

I had my antidepressants..aka indifference pills..made me not cry like her. And I had my shaking pills..for when I started to shake from the trauma..
You need not take medication forever..but need to function for yourself and kid. We need all the help we can get.

(These spouses..we're in therapy, the kids are in therapy, the dog is in therapy..and they're just doing what makes them "happy" oblivious to destruction around them..)

Agree with everyone else...detach and treat yourself kindly..because he's obviously not. These spouse have no idea of the stress, anxiety and hurt they cause....or many do and don't care.

Make sure you have a "safe spot" in your home away from him. New routines to not be home as much help also. I also found sticking to my routines religiously helped with the stress...ie get up and make coffee and eat the same thing..gave me a sense of control and normality.

Small tiny steps. Stoic and strong when you can and then give yourself a break.

**Posted by newtotheclub** July 21, 2021 7:58 pm

Rob wrote:
Agree with everyone else...detach and treat yourself kindly..because he's obviously not. These spouse have no idea of the stress, anxiety and hurt they cause....or many do and don't care.

Rob is right on with this. I am 100% working on detaching... i am not looking for more information because I feel like i know enough. He is gay, i am straight..if i can accomplish to disconnect emotionally even a little... it will help me focus on me and work on my exit strategy. I have been robbed of too much time already. I cant imagine years of this. I just cant.

**Posted by Daryl** July 21, 2021 11:04 pm

Copied this from one of the very old pinned posts, can't take credit for it....

10 Steps to Distancing
1) Stop asking new personal things of your partner about him/herself.

2) Don’t give out personal things about yourself to them.

3) Don’t bend over backwards to celebrate any occasions that involve them.

4) Don’t bend over backwards to help them more than is necessary

5) Don’t help them if they or someone else can.

6) Avoid discussions that involve their lives, re: old topics.

7) Start to develop new activities that don’t involve them.

8) Try to make new friends, acquaintances, anything.

9) Make small changes in your life: rearrange furniture, change decorations, try new soaps, ride your bike in a different route, eat at a different restaurant, eat different foods, cook them a different way, shop at different stores, rearrange the landscaping, change some of your habits, change the style of clothing you wear, etc.

10) If they ask favors of you, tell them you want time to think about it.

**Posted by hellobritty** July 22, 2021 7:56 am

This is all very helpful, thank you!