Posted by onceuponatime  May 6, 2021 9:32 pm | #1 |
Eight months ago when my husband first told me about his attraction to men, I was completely taken by surprise, and thought it was the end of our marriage. Never in the 13 years we had been together did I suspect anything was wrong. According to my husband, this attraction was something always like a nagging thought in the back of his head, but he never really took the time to sort it out.
Two years ago, with the sudden death of his mother, things were not quite as great between us, not as close as I wanted us to be. I assumed it had to do with the stress of his loss. It turns out, it was around this time when he finally started thinking about his attraction to men.
Ironically, when he told me he thought maybe he was bisexual, our relationship improved since we were doing a better job at communicating. Even our sex life was better than before. Only a month later, he told me he was almost certain that he was gay
Things were still great for another couple of months, and then we hit another rough patch. His sex drive almost completely disappeared. For the last month or so, we found our grove again. I was very hopeful that we could make this work. Then he went on vacation alone for a week, and when he came back, he told me he had decided that in order for him to be happy, he needs to live his life as gay. He would like at some point meet a man with whom to have a physical and emotional relationship. He says he loves me, and would like to possibly stay in the same house, and keep raising our child together.
It is very difficult for me to understand how in a matter of a week, he could go from being a loving husband, wanting to kiss and hug me, and enjoy sex with me, to this person who is okay just being friends. It's almost as he turned a switch off, and all the affection he had for me is gone.
It's only been 3 days since he's been back. I know it's probably not healthy for me that we are in the same house. It would make life easier if we could do it, especially when it comes to our child. There is no animosity between us.
I am hearbroken and sad beyond words. It is so difficult to not cry over every little thing.
Last edited by onceuponatime (May 6, 2021 9:40 pm)
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz May 7, 2021 1:42 am | #2 |
My comments in red
onceuponatime wrote:
......... It turns out, it was around this time when he finally started thinking about his attraction to men......I think he might be telling you only part of the truth, and doesn't want to admit it all.Then he went on vacation alone for a week, and when he came back, he told me he had decided that in order for him to be happy, he needs to live his life as gay...I don't believe he took a week away alone then decided this He would like at some point meet a man with whom to have a physical and emotional relationship. He says he loves me, and would like to possibly stay in the same house, and keep raising our child together.Yes yes...he says that in the most selfish way. Doesn't sound as if he even realises what this means for you. What do you want? Are you ready to share him? Living with you and having a physical & emotional r'ship with a man? Because he wants his cake, then he wants more cake from somebody else.
It is very difficult for me to understand how in a matter of a week, he could go from being a loving husband, wanting to kiss and hug me, and enjoy sex with me, to this person who is okay just being friends. It's almost as he turned a switch off, and all the affection he had for me is gone. He may just finally have decided to let you in on it
It's only been 3 days since he's been back. I know it's probably not healthy for me that we are in the same house. It would make life easier if we could do it, especially when it comes to our child. There is no animosity between us.
I am hearbroken and sad beyond words. It is so difficult to not cry over every little thing.
We're all here to help you through this 
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Humiliated May 7, 2021 5:43 am | #3 |
I am interested in reading the First Aid Kit thread, but can´t find it. Can anyone tell me how to get to it please?
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Posted by Rob May 7, 2021 7:59 am | #4 |
Ounce,
"..is very difficult for me to understand how in a matter of a week, he could go from being a loving husband, wanting to kiss and hug me, and enjoy sex with me, to this person who is okay just being friends. It's almost as he turned a switch off, and all the affection he had for me is gone...."
I think this affected me more than the gay. My GX like a light switch went from a loving wife to a cold unfriendly roommate. Of course she was getting her affection and emotional support from her girlfriend. But the coldness of it reminded of grade school where a friend would suddenly decide they were not your friend anymore and preferred the more fun kids.. but those friends were not friends for decades. And I would argue even after were still nicer to me than my GX was..
I dont know how they turn and hurt us like this but they do. After years I concluded these spouses simply have a "broken moral core". We could not do this to a spouse..like a light switch withdraw all affection, attention, friendship ..directly hurt them. Best case we would have to do it gradually and with good reason such as they hurt us.
This is what separates us from them..I thought about it a lot and it's not straight vs gay. The hurt you feel is the morality of a trusted friend and spouse hurting you.. it is not right on so many more levels besides gay and straight..
Build your support system..know that you are so much more than the rejection he is hurting you with.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by OutofHisCloset May 7, 2021 9:56 am | #5 |
The "flipped switch" is the sign of the discard. In that unhappy period of your marriage before his mother died, he was chafing under the cognitive dissonance of living one life while longing for another, and displacing his angst onto you and the marriage. When his mother died, that motivated him to think about his own mortality, and what he wanted out of life but was suppressing. When he made that decision, the die was cast. That period when he said he was bi was happy because he had spoken honestly about his desires, even if he was hedging; for you, I'm betting, it might have felt like it did to me: Oh, good, he's being honest and now we can have a better marriage in which my spouse feels like he can be himself. Unfortunately, what it really meant was that he had taken the first step on the road to a completely different life.
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Posted by Julian_Stone May 7, 2021 10:33 am | #6 |
I'm so sorry you're hurting.I agree with what others have said. The switch & confusion are a result of you being kept out of the loop. I suspect if you explored your spouse's devices, you'd find a more complete story.
Continuing to live together only benefits him. It will destroy you, confuse your child....and inhibit your ability to move on. What MJM cautioned above: "He’s going to turn into your adolescent gay son if you allow him to stay now" is something that many here have experienced. Sean (in the "A gay ex-husband answers your questions") has talked a lot about his gay adolescence following disclosure. It's often a period of immense selfishness and reckless behavior. I think you will both have a better shot at remaining friendly co-parents if you do not live together....and you will be able to actually start the healing process and find the love you deserve.
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Posted by onceuponatime May 7, 2021 3:50 pm | #7 |
I guess I still didn't want to believe things were over between us. I asked my husband if he would still feel the need to be with a man even if for some reason he couldn't have sex, and the answer was yes. He feels there is an emotional connection that he's missing on by not being in a relationship with a man. He also said there is no physical attraction left at all for me. It doesn't bother him at all to sleep on the same bed with me. He understands how hard it is for me to carry on as if nothing has changed.
I have asked him to move out.
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Posted by EmpathyStarved May 7, 2021 4:38 pm | #8 |
I'm so so sorry oneuponatime. Your story mirrors mine in many ways, so I completely understand your pain.
After my husband admitted to being gay and wanting a divorce (he very briefly labeled himself as bi) we stayed in the same home, in separate bedrooms, for several months and it was torture.
Once I moved out I think the real healing could begin, so I'm glad you've asked him to leave. That physical distance will be good for your mental health and healing.
I wish I had some magic words to make it all better, but just know that we're all here to listen and we're rooting for you. None of this is your fault and you deserve to be loved and happy.
I've been living apart from my GEX since October of last year and I feel better and stronger with each day that passes. Am I healed? Not even close. But it does get better. Sending BIG hugs.
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Posted by Blue Bear May 10, 2021 12:10 pm | #9 |
It is very difficult for me to understand how in a matter of a week, he could go from being a loving husband, wanting to kiss and hug me, and enjoy sex with me, to this person who is okay just being friends. It's almost as he turned a switch off, and all the affection he had for me is gone.
Hi onceuponatime: This was also difficult for me to process. I didn't understand how my ex-wife turned into a monster who wanted to end our marriage, apparently because she was in a same-sex affair with a woman.
If it's helpful, I'll share my perspective. I learned that the woman I married didn't actually exist. I married someone who went through the motions to avail herself of the benefits of a heteronormative life, which was more preferable to her than living as her true self (i.e., a lesbian). I was utterly, completely used in a way that no human being should ever be used. The affection that she had for me was not the deep, trusting and romantic relationship I had for her. Then, her shiny new lesbian life became much more appealing, so she ditched me and the life we built together.
This is what these people do. I'm sorry you're here, but keep sharing your story. This board is an amazing resource full of people who have successfully emerged from this.
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Posted by lily May 10, 2021 2:48 pm | #10 |
well said blue bear - shocking but true - the person we think we are marrying is a fake persona, they are putting on an act not being themselves.
