OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / So confused by all the secrets..

**Posted by MyExodus** April 24, 2021 10:12 am

"if you pray, then pray. A lot. And then keep your eyes open and USE the windows of opportunity that open for you. You will find strength and smarts you didn't know you had. Opportunities will arise and some obstacles will disappear, People will turn up to help and support in your darkest and scaredest times. That was my experience anyway. Psalm 91 was my mantra and my shield during that ghastly time. Ghastly yet lit with peculiar little miracles that kept me going forward. ." Soaplife

I'll second all of this. The book of Job works best for me. There have been several times in my life that I can look back and see how God had a plan for me and got me through those events. I am right in the middle of my divorce and I can clearly say with full confidence that He has a plan for me through this horrific experience. His timing on some key moments regarding TGT has been absolutely exquisite. His timing is perfect.

I know this is all so very hard and crazy-making!! I totally get that. I am putting the spin on this that God is making a whole new me. It is the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life; but I feel like, He's rebuilding a brand new life for me and has plans for me. Yes, at 52 years-old I am having to start my life all over; but I am getting to start life all over. It is terrifying and exillerating all at the same time. What do I want to make of the rest of my life? What do you want of yours???? What life do you want? I got to where TGT didn't matter anymore. I knew enough to know that the way I was being treated was unacceptable. Focus on moving forward and it will give you hope. Focusing on TGT, the lies, the cheating brings you down; focusing on rebuilding is edifying.

I am so sorry you are going through this; but know that you are not going through this alone.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** April 24, 2021 4:51 pm

If he's a cheater, or you suspect him of cheating, you need Chump Lady. ASAP. It's Chumplady.com; go there and read the featured posts at the bottom of the page, then read through the archives.

**Posted by WF2020** April 24, 2021 5:17 pm

MyExodus, thank you, you give me hope for the future. I know that my husband is a habitual liar, and I cannot put myself in a position of emotional vulnerability with him again. For self preservation I have to move on. It is scary to think about rebuilding a new life, but its scarier to think of what my life would be like if I stayed.

Longwayhome, thank you for the link. It is wise to have an exit plan in place just in case. It still feels so outlandish to even think he may have been doing this, but it also helps me to really let go.

OutofHisCloset, he is a cheater based on all I've gathered and put together. Thank you for the Chump Lady recommendation, I actually have her book on audible and listened to it several times. The part about a "non-starter" was helpful, since there was so many secrets and lack of transparency. I still fall into the trap of trying to figure out all that has happened and I know it's impossible.

**Posted by Rob** April 26, 2021 1:00 pm

WF,

Yes so many secrets..even if he is chatting about work or with a friend..why keep it secret. It is a form of abuse as you anxiety grows and he finds it acceptable to hurt you in this way. It is not normal. My gx had an answer for all her secrets...ie. oh we were just shopping what is your problem... at 1am?

Start building your support system and know that you are worth so much more.

**Posted by WF2020** April 26, 2021 10:10 pm

The gaslighting and manipulation tactics, they are so toxic.

I cannot tell you all how grateful to all that responded and validated my concerns. When I read these responses and other stories there are more common threads than even I can fully comprehend. I have so many question yet I cannot even formulate them yet.

**Posted by Blue Bear** April 27, 2021 11:43 am

Yikes. Your relationship is in a bad place:

You believe him "to be a cheater";
He's "super secretive";
Unexplained time in in parking lots, and rest stops away from the family;
Dinners and drinks at a hotel with a dude;
Lots of weird texting behavior with men and women;
Discussions about anal penetration (Note: Straight dudes don't do this);
Locked up phones, iPads and laptops;
You can't go into his car;
Mysterious business trips that don't make sense;
Secret phone conversations at night away from you;
Burner phones and stray SIM cards; and
"fierce protection" of secrets.

You asked for insight, and you said you have so many questions. My insight is that you already have the answers you need: you are in a deeply dishonest and disrespectful relationship with an adulterous man who is not straight. You don't need to ask any additional questions. Even if you were to ask questions, you'd be receiving answers from a self-protective liar.

So what's your plan?

Last edited by Blue Bear (April 27, 2021 11:43 am)

**Posted by lily** April 27, 2021 3:56 pm

yes, it is true - we do end up in a foggy state in these marriages and I feel concern for WF. I hope she has a go at answering Blue Bears question - very helpful.

**Posted by WF2020** April 29, 2021 10:18 am

Blue Bear, you're the reality check, that I needed. Thank you. The questions are answers, in that there are so many that they sort of answer themselves. If that even makes sense. I'm confused because it's by his design. He seems to have had affairs with both men and women, if I'm being honest. It is baffling because I never considered his sexuality to be in question. I'm dismayed that he would have exposed his unborn children to a multitude of diseases. That seems abusive. I'm so exhausted that its hard to function. I think this must be why his mother's health is the way it is. So what am I going to do? I am going to cut my losses and formally divorce. This is a nightmare not a marriage.

Become your own best friend and remember to treat yourself that way, at all times. --thank you!

**Posted by Blue Bear** April 29, 2021 11:56 am

I'm glad to hear it. When a relationship is abusive like this, "out" is the only option. Hire a good attorney, but don't tell him that you're doing it. Look out for you. You've got this!

**Posted by Upside** May 13, 2021 11:24 am

Hoping you're doing well WF2020.

For those struggling with this and looking for a resource, I'd recommend 'Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity'. The quotes below may be relevant:

A useful measure for whether a relationship is a friendship or an affair is the degree of secrecy that surrounds it.

And:

Apologies and promises alone are not enough to rebuild trust; reassurance comes only with observable change.

Fingers crossed that you are on your path towards a happier life (with the secrets)!

Last edited by Upside (May 13, 2021 11:29 am)