I ended my first marriage because my spouse lied about loving me and it resulted in him cheating at least once. I caught him eventually and I went through the messy divorce during which I lost pretty much everything (friends, job, home, financial stability), but I rebuilt my life and eventually fell in love again.

My second marriage has been everything my first marriage wasn't. It has been built on mutual love and respect. We are best friends, partners in every sense. I was so careful and determined to not be jaded by what happened in my first marriage.

I felt like I had done it. I recovered from losing everything after my divorce. My marriage was happy. We have a home, wonderful pets, solid family relationships. We dream about the future, we talk about being parents. We have incredible friends. We don't live a life of luxury but we want for nothing. We have stable jobs and are building careers we enjoy and that allow us to have financial security.

Then earlier this week my husband woke me up at 5am saying he hadn't slept all night and that he thinks he might be trans.

I love him, I want to support him and give him whatever he needs to be happy. But I am a straight woman and I know that beyond a doubt.

His thoughts are constantly changing. He thought he might be trans, then after researching some online he thinks he could be bigender. Other times he says it is probably neither of these things and just his depression and anxiety causing him to be confused, that he is self sabotaging. He shares that he hates his body but not always and not all of it. Sometimes he says he experiences gender dysphoria. Other times he says he just has a terrible body image.

He insists he will never transition but then immediately follows it up with a list of reasons it would be awful and does not make logical sense. All the reasons are losing people and facing social stigma. None of the reasons are because he wants to remain a man or even male presenting or because he is happy with himself.

I have asked him if he wants to be a woman. He tells me no, but that he could see himself as a woman and being happy. But he could also see himself staying a man and being happy.

The experience finally was the tipping point for him to make an appointment with a psychiatrist to unpack some things he's needed to work through for years related to his depression, anxiety, and a deep seated self loathing.

I'm learning I'm not able to share with him everything I'm feeling, for the first time ever, because it becomes so upsetting for him. He feels guilty for what he's putting me through. He constantly backtracks and changes his story or tells me he wishes he had never said anything in the first place. He has repeated all week that he has ruined our relationship and our lives.

A few times he's told me that nothing needs to change, that he can manage this part of himself and we can continue to live as we have and we can keep our dreams. I still want all the same things, but after a 5am "I might be trans" announcement I can't help worrying that he's afraid to be honest because he knows we won't stay together if he transitions to a woman or is primarily female presenting.

I'm heartbroken for myself because if he transitions I don't want to stay married, even though I love him. I do not want a sexless marriage or a marriage to someone I am not physically attracted to and I cannot change that I'm straight. He is aware of this and terrified of losing me. He doesn't want our marriage to end. I don't want our marriage to end. But when I committed to this marriage I thought it would be as husband and wife forever and I thought that was an unchanging fact.

I'm equally heartbroken watching him struggle with something and to be so horrible to himself over it. He calls himself a freak, a failure, a deviant. At best he says he's weird. It kills me, he won't stop, he'll listen and say he understands when I tell him he's loved but the way he talks about himself is horrible. He's always had a habit of this our entire relationship, but nothing to the degree I've seen this week. I'm alarmed.

I feel betrayed and angry and lost and hurt and confused. I'm beyond upset that after my first marriage ended in divorce because my spouse didn't know what they wanted that I'm finding myself in a similar position again. Why am I the only one who knows themselves and what they want?

What's killing me the most is the unknown of it all. More than anything I wish I could go to the drug store and pick up a test that could tell us what's happening with my husband. Is he trans? Is he bigender? Genderfluid? Is it depression and anxiety?

I want to know what's going on so I can support the person I love, but also so I can make choices for my own life. I want him to be happy as himself and to feel secure in his identity, whatever that is. But dammit I want to be happy too.

Because he doesn't know what the truth is we're in this strange limbo. He tells me I'm pulling away, but I'm not trying to. He's right though, I'm terrified I'm going to lose my marriage. Again. And have to rebuild again. And be alone again. I don't want to talk about our future plans because I don't know what's going to happen.

I'm not angry with him, but I am beyond angry with the situation. I feel tricked.

And I can't relate to anything he's going through. I'm a straight woman, I like my body, I like myself, I don't want to be different.

I want to know what's happening so I can respond. If he discovers he is not a straight man and his life changes accordingly I want to support him however I can and figure out what that means for us, even if it means we are no longer married. If he discovers this was triggered by deep seated body image and self loathing issues that he can receive help for after working with a psychiatrist then I want to channel my energy into doing what I can to help him and strengthen our marriage and work through my own trust issues this 100% brought up for me.

But until I know more I don't know what the f to do. I feel like I'm waiting for the end of the world to happen.