https://secureservercdn.net/72.167.241.180/226.c7e.myftpupload.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/The-Secret-Sexual-Basement_2_12_21.pdf

This is a link to Dr Omar Minwalla.  It is a good article to read.

Here's a quote from him

"My own learning as a mental health professional has come about, in large part, through a process of sitting in rooms with victims of deceptive sexuality – with intimate partners and spouses who have been abused and traumatized in a very specific way – as an empathic witness, listening to and hearing their traumatic realities, with an open mind and heart. This paper was written as a synthesis of their voices – of the human beings living through and harmed by these experiences. This paper is very much for them – the people suffering – and was written with them in mind, and in my heart. With this type of abuse and trauma still lying in our collective darkness, it’s my hope, particularly for victims but very much also for abusers, that this paper may serve as a lighthouse that gives people hope and support as they attempt to survive."
 

Last edited by lily (March 21, 2021 6:39 pm)

I am surprised how this has not been posted here before - this is from the article "Counseling Heterosexual Spouses of Bisexual Men and Women and Bisexual-Heterosexual Couples" by Amity R. Buxton, founder of OurPath. It applies to gay-straight couples too and possibly to trans-straight as well. She has also identified stages that mixed-orientation relationships go through - I have posted it in the MOM section - the link is below.

STAGES OF COPING AMONG HETEROSEXUAL SPOUSES
 
Initial Shock, Denial, and Relief
Once partners come out or their orientation is discovered, heterosexual spouses experience a mix of shock, denial, idealistic hope, or sense of relief. They do not deal directly with the disclosed information, hoping that it is a nightmare from which they will awaken, believing that love can resolve all problems or their partners will realize it is a mistake, or feeling relieved to know a reason for what was previously askew in the relationship, something that perhaps they can remediate.

Facing, Acknowledging, and Accepting Reality
Gradually, as consequences of the relationship impact their daily lives, spouses begin to face the reality of their partners’ revealed sexual orientation, their own pain, and consequences of the disclosure on their marriage and family. Slowly they note and acknowledge changes in their partners’ behavior, wardrobes, activities, and appearance; their own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health; their daily schedule and workplace performance; their attitudes toward life; the relationship and lovemaking; parenting behaviors; the partners’ schedule at home and away; and family activities. Ever so slowly, spouses accept the fact that their partners’ revealed orientation, their own devastation, and changes in their relationship, family, and daily life cannot become what they were before the disclosure.

Letting Go of the Past and Focusing on the Present
Accepting what is unchangeable leads to spouses’ letting go of the past experiences as they thought them to be, while preserving memories of what was real in their marriage and family life. At this stage, spouses begin to look at themselves and their present lives, evaluating who and where they are and mapping steps toward controlling their own healing and growth.

Healing
Focusing on the present, spouses begin a many-pronged process of healing physical, sexual, emotional, cognitive, moral and spiritual wounds. Spouses generally seek help from varied sources, including: books and articles; Web sites; friends and family; professionals; education; and support or interest groups. As they begin to heal, they discover their core needs, wants, goals, and values.

Reconfiguring and Transforming
After many months, most reconfigure their self-image, moral compass, and belief system. This reconfigured blueprint provides an internal source of meaning and purpose. With this newly formulated outlook, spouses begin to transform their lives, whether within or outside of the marriage.