OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Anyone contacted the 'other' person(s)?

**Posted by blindone** March 1, 2021 7:22 pm

I have phone numbers and a few names. I believe I've found the main man that he had an affair with...he's a real estate agent. I've had this daydream (nightmare) of contacting him to discuss my own 'home search'. Meet him for coffee or to view a few houses. And then perhaps once I've got the opportunity, ask him and show him a photo fo my ex and see how it goes. Probably severe scenario, but these are the things that go thru my head. Or calling each and every phone number or texting....

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 1, 2021 9:32 pm

blindone wrote:
I have phone numbers and a few names. ......

I had one number...of a woman my bisexual partner was seeing (who was just cruisy about anal sex) I had the number for a few years, it was the number he used to think he had wiped from his phone. I think she was also his sounding board for his man-on-man fantasies, and I day-dreamed about calling her and opening a conversation.
But that's as far as it got. Whenever I thought "yes! I'll do it" there was always a voice that said "she'll call him and tell him" and at that time I wasn't ready for that particular disruption. Then as time went on and I realised that this was driving a wedge into my soul, and that he would never hurt/be bothered by it as much as I was....about the same time I thought up my mantra, which I still use today....."it doesn't matter" which helped me finally toss the bit of paper with her number written on it into the rubbish

Elle

**Posted by blindone** March 1, 2021 10:03 pm

Thank you, Elle, for your reply. I'm still in that wanting more details/info stage. I have a stack of text messages of his conversations w/men. I also day dream about shoving one page at a time in front of him asking him to explain the situation and how can I believe he did not have 'sex' w/these men. Right now, he tries to convince me it was just one guy, a few times, and that it was only a massage w/happy ending. PFFFT. Yet, he never pushes on 'how' I know. Denial is very interesting to watch from the outside.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** March 2, 2021 9:21 am

I hope you're also using your time to see to your legal rights in a divorce and to secure your finances. Not only is your husband spending marital money on his secret sex life, one of your husband's "massage therapists" may decide to blackmail him.

**Posted by Upside** March 2, 2021 11:04 am

My journey all started with a voicemail of someone moaning my wife's name. Then she moaned back. They finished their act and started talking about how they would lie to their spouses and she laughed about it. I was completely rocked.

I wondered why the voice sounded so strange. It sounded...female. And it took me months to get around to accepting that it was a woman. The voicemail seemed to mention a sex act that only two women could perform as well. Meanwhile, she gaslit me and told me that I was the bad guy for believing she could cheat on me.

The person who left the voicemail hid their number. All I could see on my bill was that it originated from my town. But I believe it was purposefully sent from my wife's main girlfriend, who I later found them calling each other love and sharing sexual innuendo the month I received that call. She wanted to break us up.

I have been tempted often to contact the other women/men. But like Elle, I'm in the "Who cares?" phase. My life is now about moving forward.

Sorry, your spouse has done this Blindone. You deserve to be free of the deception.

Last edited by Upside (March 2, 2021 11:05 am)

**Posted by Blue Bear** March 2, 2021 11:13 am

Ask yourself what your goal would be in contacting the other dudes. You already know the following:
1. Your partner is not straight.
2. Your partner has been unfaithful.
3. Your partner is pathologically dishonest.
4. Your partner put your health at risk without your consent.

What else do you really need to know? It sounds like you have enough actionable information to make decisions about your life.

**Posted by SusanneH** March 2, 2021 12:20 pm

Blue Bear wrote:
Ask yourself what your goal would be in contacting the other dudes. You already know the following:
1. Your partner is not straight.
2. Your partner has been unfaithful.
3. Your partner is pathologically dishonest.
4. Your partner put your health at risk without your consent.

What else do you really need to know? It sounds like you have enough actionable information to make decisions about your life.

Good points. It seems it would just lead to your asking for more hurt. Be good to yourself. I’m learning that I can leave off some things and be okay with it.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 2, 2021 1:50 pm

blindone wrote:
..... I believe I've found the main man that he had an affair with...he's a real estate agent. ....

You believe but you're not sure? As long as there is doubt about your husband's secrets my advice would be...do nothing. In my opinion you/me/any straightspouse needs to have outer-support and inner-strength to approach our husbands/partners about this. I used to have scenarios of confronting my partner but also knew my emotions would probably get the better of me and I would ultimately back down.

As OOHC advised you should instead be finding a lawyer. It was one of the first moves I made to secure and feel safe about my future.

Elle

Edited to add....it was like a deep cleansing breath when I started to put my needs first

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (March 2, 2021 1:58 pm)

**Posted by Blue Bear** March 2, 2021 6:37 pm

You know that TV show "Cheaters"? Those people are crazy. Don't dip into the cesspool by meeting the other dude.