Regarding MOM, I agree with KEL who said marriage equates to being monogamous. Otherwise, it's called dating and playing the field. In my opinion, if you're doing that within a marriage, you are a hair away from a divorce because it's giving up on having a working committed relationship with one person which is what marriage is. There seems to be far too many people trying to spin away commitments they make. Don't get married if you can't commit. And then there is this: to know what betrayal is, you have to know what loyalty is. Too many don't.

Last edited by Judy (October 7, 2016 11:34 pm)

Very well said, and I agree 100%

Kel wrote:

Well I, for one, am crying bullshit.  Marriage is, by its very nature, monogamous.  Now, I suppose if you entered into marriage with the agreement that you were leaving off the vows of "forsaking all others", then you could do what you wanted there.  But.... then what would be the point of marrying?  Marrying is a committed one-on-one relationship.  We acknowledge this in society by not allowing you to marry more than one person at a time.  That means that you cannot and will not be permitted to have a one-on-one relationship with more than one person.  It's..... impossible.

Monogamy isn't just sexual, but it as at LEAST sexual.  Which is why so many people struggle within their marriage today -  especially with today's electronic world.  The perpetrator will say that what they're doing isn't technically sex, therefore it's not technically cheating.  Which means that they acknowledge that sex outside the relationship is NOT allowed.  They are following the letter vs. the spirit of it.  Some people will do the opposite - try to convince their partner that it's "just sex - I don't LOVE that other person".  (this isn't really following the spirit of the law, but it's an attempt to look as though they are.)  Bottom line is that monogamy is both sex and more.  It's drawing the line at a place where both you and you spouse feels is respectful and jointly agreed upon.  It doesn't and shouldn't mean that he is allowed to do things that she is not, or vice versa.  What's good for the goose is good for the gander, as the saying goes.

So.... if the hard line of monogamy is drawn at sex, then HOW can you have sex outside your marriage - even with permission - and still have it be considered a marriage?  This is not to say that you aren't married if you cheat - that cheating nullifies the cheater's vow of monogamy.  But it may as well - we all know that once sexual cheating occurs, you have the right to back out of the relationship.  Even the church makes this concession - even GOD does.  Because it in essence nullifies the cheated upon partner's obligation to remain in the union that has been breeched.

If you want a relationship that is non monogamous, then  DON'T.GET.MARRIED.  It's pretty simple.  Marriage is vowed, perpetual monogamy until death.  Not until one of you decides that they find others attractive and feel that sleeping with them is a "need to explore".  That's just bullshit with a bow on it.  And it should be viewed as such.  I cannot see one.single.circumstance under which non monogamy is good for a marriage.  Even "swinging".  If something is precious to you, you cleave it to your heart.  You do not share your monogamous partner and say that's cherishing them.  You don't pass a baby around for others to all stick their dirty fingers in its mouth, either.  You do neither of these things if you love the other person.  It doesn't matter if it satisfies the baby, or the individuals sticking their fingers in the baby's mouth - it's not good for the baby, and your job is to love and protect the baby if you love it.  To do what's best for the baby.  Monogamy is the baby of a marriage, along with respect, love, protection and cherishing.  There is no way to have a great marriage without all of these.  And there is nothing that should be allowed in the marriage that doesn't meet these requirements.  Therefore, how can you share your spouse with another and call that love?  How can you ask your spouse to let you share your body with others and have that be respectful to them?  YOU.CAN'T.

It may "work" for some people.  So does living in an abusive relationship, but it's not healthy.  It's not good.  Just because you make something work doesn't mean it SHOULD.  I maintain that an open relationship isn't a marriage.  And it shouldn't be accepted as such.  Get a divorce and decide to be roommates if that works.  But be honest.

Kel
 

This has become a long thread so maybe I missed something.  Why is it that a MOM is presumed open?  A monogamous person won't cheat gay bi or straight.  Lots of straights are cheaters.

And to the person who is suggesting that there is a better site for MOM discussion, this is SSN not Ex-SSN.  People coming here asking for advice are still married and the people in MOM's here are still married so we belong here too. I am only asking that if anyone posts looking for advice and either myself or a fellow MOM member responds we don't have our lifestyle choice criticized.  I'm not the OP I didn't ask for advice.  I'm on AP for that.
I resent the opinion that it is doomed to fail and this is why this site has a bad rep.
Vicky

Exactly!  Being told that we "Will be back" because inevitably we are going to fail, is not support.  From my first post here that is what I was told. That my husband was an awful man who did not love me and was only going to worry about his needs and not mine. All that from strangers who did not know him from Adam. That it was better to just distance myself now because there was no way our marriage was going to last.  

If I can understand that those who don't have spouses who were loving and treated them poorly and that divorce was what WORKED BEST FOR THEM, why can those who are no longer a str8 spouse (as they are no longer married and thus are actually not fitting the description for this board) not understand that there are actually MOMs that DO work out?  Our marriage is not open, we are monogamous.  He is NOT out sneaking around behind my back. He is home with me and keeping me satisfied.  According to those here, those with an SSA cannot be monogamous and I am ridiculous for believing that my DGH can be.  Thank goodness I found actual support at Alternate Path, Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work, and Monogamous MOM from non judgemental people who truly understand that not every partner with an SSA is a disease ridden cheater who only cares about satisfying their SSA at the expense of their str8 partner.  They don't try to tell others what to do but share their stories and LISTEN to others when they post.  They don't tell them to give it up and run as far away as possible.  Thank goodness there are actual places like that.  For those interested in actually learning what a successful MOM is (and there is NO one way for them to be successful) you can check out the Alternate Path website.  Open Marriage is not the only way for you to be successful.  

.... or better still hang around and BE a representative for successful MOMs rather than whining about how 'negative' everyone is.

If you want this place to change stay here and change it.

You should have seen the shit Cameron had to put up with when he first arrived.


Ok... NOW my rant is over.

Hey PS I'm curious... Is there ANYONE still on this forum (other than Sam) who remembers the name 'Portia'?

Last edited by Steve (October 9, 2016 9:14 pm)