Remain friends with my gay ex??

But she is not my friend..she was not even a good roomate.  A stranger that lies and steals would have been kinder.

I know the right thing to do is forgive and forget.. but horrible things were done to me...it takes super human faith and strength to suddenly be friends..I certainly don't want to subject myself to the abuse again so I can say how forgiving I am.  I don't hate her..but I cant live with her.

Well I, for one, am crying bullshit.  Marriage is, by its very nature, monogamous.  Now, I suppose if you entered into marriage with the agreement that you were leaving off the vows of "forsaking all others", then you could do what you wanted there.  But.... then what would be the point of marrying?  Marrying is a committed one-on-one relationship.  We acknowledge this in society by not allowing you to marry more than one person at a time.  That means that you cannot and will not be permitted to have a one-on-one relationship with more than one person.  It's..... impossible.

Monogamy isn't just sexual, but it as at LEAST sexual.  Which is why so many people struggle within their marriage today -  especially with today's electronic world.  The perpetrator will say that what they're doing isn't technically sex, therefore it's not technically cheating.  Which means that they acknowledge that sex outside the relationship is NOT allowed.  They are following the letter vs. the spirit of it.  Some people will do the opposite - try to convince their partner that it's "just sex - I don't LOVE that other person".  (this isn't really following the spirit of the law, but it's an attempt to look as though they are.)  Bottom line is that monogamy is both sex and more.  It's drawing the line at a place where both you and you spouse feels is respectful and jointly agreed upon.  It doesn't and shouldn't mean that he is allowed to do things that she is not, or vice versa.  What's good for the goose is good for the gander, as the saying goes.

So.... if the hard line of monogamy is drawn at sex, then HOW can you have sex outside your marriage - even with permission - and still have it be considered a marriage?  This is not to say that you aren't married if you cheat - that cheating nullifies the cheater's vow of monogamy.  But it may as well - we all know that once sexual cheating occurs, you have the right to back out of the relationship.  Even the church makes this concession - even GOD does.  Because it in essence nullifies the cheated upon partner's obligation to remain in the union that has been breeched.

If you want a relationship that is non monogamous, then  DON'T.GET.MARRIED.  It's pretty simple.  Marriage is vowed, perpetual monogamy until death.  Not until one of you decides that they find others attractive and feel that sleeping with them is a "need to explore".  That's just bullshit with a bow on it.  And it should be viewed as such.  I cannot see one.single.circumstance under which non monogamy is good for a marriage.  Even "swinging".  If something is precious to you, you cleave it to your heart.  You do not share your monogamous partner and say that's cherishing them.  You don't pass a baby around for others to all stick their dirty fingers in its mouth, either.  You do neither of these things if you love the other person.  It doesn't matter if it satisfies the baby, or the individuals sticking their fingers in the baby's mouth - it's not good for the baby, and your job is to love and protect the baby if you love it.  To do what's best for the baby.  Monogamy is the baby of a marriage, along with respect, love, protection and cherishing.  There is no way to have a great marriage without all of these.  And there is nothing that should be allowed in the marriage that doesn't meet these requirements.  Therefore, how can you share your spouse with another and call that love?  How can you ask your spouse to let you share your body with others and have that be respectful to them?  YOU.CAN'T.

It may "work" for some people.  So does living in an abusive relationship, but it's not healthy.  It's not good.  Just because you make something work doesn't mean it SHOULD.  I maintain that an open relationship isn't a marriage.  And it shouldn't be accepted as such.  Get a divorce and decide to be roommates if that works.  But be honest.

Kel
 

"Vitroil" is defined as cruel and bitter criticism.  I've stated my opinion about what marriage is, and how non monomagy and marriage aren't compatible.  Nowhere was I cruel (defined as willfully causing pain or suffering to others) or bitter (defined as angry, hurt or resentful because of one's bad experience). Neither of those is true in this case. I have an opinion that is at odds with your current hopes with regards to marriage and monogamy.  That's.it.

You have every right to have your own opinions and hopes with regards to monogamy and your own marriage. My beliefs don't impact you unless they make you think differently about your own situation.  You can choose not to let that happen,though.

It's my personal feeling that the open marraiges often proposed by the gay spouse is not something that the straight spouse wants, but they do as a last-ditch effort to save their unhealthy relationship.  Oftentimes I see st8 spouses say that they're doing it as a sort of gift to their partner.  Almost as if monogamy and non-monogamy are equal, and one of then has to take, and the other has to give.  One has to sacrifice, and it may as well be them sacrificing monogamy than their gay spouse sacrificing being sexually fulfilled.  The two aren't equal within a marriage, though; monogamy is detrimental to a marriage, ands non-monogamy is destructive.  The relationship itself sacrifices much more when monogamy is offered up as the sacrifice.

JUST my opinions.  Said without vitroil.

Kel

I had a revelation about this today, given all of the recent discussion here lately on this issue, and the need to feel as though I need to justify my feelings, anger, etc. I was in. MOM, for years, probably  30+. But here's the thing, I never knew I was, only he was privy to that little secret. The past several were horrific, with my begging for answers, all the while he had the answer, which he refused to give me. When I was finally done, my daughter began to share information with me that she had witnessed that she hadn't told me previously. He not only denied it, but he accused me of making it up to turn her against him. Despite this, in the beginning, I continued to try and give him the benefit of the doubt to try and salvage a relationship with his kids at least, that was very important to me. He kept digging in with them, and refused to give them the space they asked for. He was determined to keep his secret at all costs, including at the price of losing his kids. I could go on for days about his lack of character, but let me summarize by saying he now has pending legal charges for some despicable crimes. Our names have been dragged through the mud and back, and have been in the paper and on the news. So I think I have a right to some anger and come here on occasion to remember and validate that I am not the crazy one. That said, I'm not walking around bitter all day and am still a kind and caring person,and I'm starting to feel happy again getting myself out of that very unhealthy and unhappy marriage. I'm not letting this define the rest of my life, and I'm not a victim. So please don't judge me for my anger , you have NO idea.

Dee, I am in no way judging you for your anger
We are all entitled to every bit of anger we feel.And, as the previous post from whatasham suggests, ex or enlightened spouses do need a place for support. In looking through many posts on the forum I just saw ALOT of negative and very little support for what I am considering. I am fully aware that there is a good chance I may end up where many of you are, but I have to try something else first. And, even if we choose to divorce I don't think I would be into the gay shaming I see here. I have seen posts referring to husbands as "fairies" and other derogatory terms. My husbands ssa is not his fault and no matter how it hurts we have decided to treat one another with dignity and respect. Granted my husband has not cheated on me, he has not lied, nor has he denied how he feels. My experience is different. I think my question has been answered. Sadly, I don't think this is a place where I can find the support I so deparatwly need. I am sorry if I have offended anyone. My closing thought is that I hope we can all find happiness out of this dark place. Best wishes.