Epiphany, I hope it doesn’t come into that  financial battle . He has always been generous. He loves our kids that he would want the best for them . 
I was just exchanging  text with him now , just telling how blessed we/he is ... after his recovery from cancer last year  , then he had covid but just mild enough to  recover ... I said that I could not imagine going through this without faith in God ... he replies agreeably with a yes! 
He is so conflicted ...

Out of his Closet, thank you.
He is not a violent type . Most likely he’ll be running away from the confrontation than be violent with me.

I think I've seen billboards advertising that preventative and I believe it is for those who may be exposed to AIDS, whether sex workers or those having sex with multiple partners.  For monogamous partners having sex with partners who cheat or may be cheating...??? I think the name is something like "Prepped".

Also, an ad keeps coming on t.v. about a medication for AIDS patients which reduces the virus to "undetectable levels". Could he have already contracted AIDS and in treatment for it?

You probably should see your doctor and get tested for every STD before tipping your hand. You want to be healthy and have insurance coverage as you plan your future.

I'm so sad to hear about your situation, Maya (and Ephiphany).

You repeatedly mention how you are afraid to do what you want because of what he might do (self harm, etc). You are a good, kind person. Abusers tend to find people like us, because even being faced with such horrific news, you are still putting him first.

Did he think of you when he lied? When he cheated? Not once or twice, but held a secret life for who knows how long? Was he concerned about you or your son finding out? Was he scared of using HIV prevention medication, possibly giving you a deadly disease or incurable STD? No, he placed his sexual needs above yours and your family.

This was his decision. The consequences are his to deal with.

In my opinion, I would recommend having a lawyer on the ready for this conversation. Once he is aware that you know the truth the games begin. The begging and promises flow freely. Hope springs eternal, until the cheating starts once more. Having your ducks in a row in advance will allow you to make concise decisions which show you are committed to moving on.

If possible, back-up everything. Keep two copies. Give one to a friend for safekeeping. If he admits it then great, but many refuse to admit their actions.

If you can, stop looking now. You have enough info. For me "snooping" became a hobby because my wife hid it so well. By the time I found conclusive proof (two years later) it was impulsive. Draw a line here as enough if you can.

If you like to read, you might enjoy "Not Just Friends". It is about affairs. It really helped me understand the past, present, and future of this situation. While it doesn't cover our scenario, it did give me the groundwork to understand why this level of betrayal is unrecoverable.

Finally, if you can, find a good therapist. It really helps.

Wishing you strength and happiness ahead.

Last edited by Upside (January 29, 2021 5:06 pm)

I agree with Julian. It almost seems like he wants you to know the details and confront him. He seems exceptionally careless leaving a paper trail for you to find. Is it possible this is some sort of twisted and disturbing cry for help?