clintonia wrote:

I was a young child when I first met him. After we became friends, he was my idea of marriage and love from the initial idea. It seems, based on observation, that the age at which I fell in love with him made it more fundamental to my whole idea of life and possibly more of an erasure of my identity (maybe others feel this too). I've carried it with me always, and his continued intentional erasure of my life while he "supports love" compounds the incomprehensibility of it.

I wonder how people form their ideas of life. It seems like more people have a general idea of a relationship that they later grow into, whereas for me, it was one person. It may sound naïve, but I have never been able to integrate being with anyone else. It feels like I'm lying to myself when I try; it's superficial. I've struggled since I was a teen with how I can replace him while I've seen others go on, get married, have kids, while I still feel like the ability to regrown the missing appendage isn't there. I've always felt like my best friend negated my life. It's very frustrating that people think there's a possibility of resolution. People can't be replaced. Clearly the spectrum of experience must be different.

i couldnt agree with you more. not everything is meant to be, nor can everythig be fixed. id like to hear more of your story.