thank you. i feel for her. if she's lived hiding this her whole life, i cant imagine how that must feel. the thing that those who come out, don't understand, is the deep hurt that it causes us. when she decided to come out, to be herself, it wasn't just about me losing her kids. the life we built. it was more what she took from me. my ability to trust. be open.faith. and for me, the biggest part, was the vulnerability she took from me.im 47 years old, and just cant shake the feelings of shame. ignorance. was fooled. blind by "love" i know that to change anything about ourselves, it starts with wanting it. loose weight. stop smoking, drinking etc. but we have to want it. for us.
but i dont want to love again. i dont want to trust. i dont to try. i was an old school true romantic. thats all gone.  

im so sorry lily. seems like the ones who love the hardest, hurt the most. 
i have love hard tattooed on my knucles. i love one way. all the way. feel like that was taken away as well. maybe time will help dull the pain. just not sure till will ever fill the empty spots. as wrong as it is to say.....those spots were for my one person. i was married before her. with other women before her as well. right or wrong. she was my person, and i just assume leave those spots hollow now. best of luck to you though
 

thanks Ink.

Yes I understand how you feel.  I remember once doing this first aid course and the ambulance officer who took the class was explaining how the heartbeat worked.  There's a little chamber above the heart with a whole squad of little bits in it and in amongst the little bits there are a few bigger little bits, 10-15 of them.  So it is one of these larger bits that acts like a cheerleader and all the little bits go in a Mexican wave and that makes the electrical pulse that causes your heart to beat.

The time comes when the cheerleader dies.  And when that happens one of the other bigger little bits takes over the role of cheerleader.  Modern medicine can install a pacemaker but without that, once all the bigger bits have come to the end of their natural life, then that's it, your heart ceases to beat.

So maybe like there are a few potential cheerleaders in the pack, there are a few potential soulmates.  one at a time.  but I have to admit that I had this strong feeling - this is the big one I thought as I fell in love.  Like it is the one and only and that's 7 years ago now, so IDK.  I was watching a show on the telly a couple of days ago and one character says to another (who's just been sprung being unfaithful) well I didn't know how long it would be for, it could be forever and I couldn't just wait for you and the reply comes - that's what love is, being ready to wait.  

Like Rob says, like you say - me too, it's all in isn't it. And I think that's where people can be happy in love, when it's both ways.  

these people who marry opposite sex when they are same sex attracted are deceptive, we believe in them, believe they are our soulmate and marry them, we give our all and yet we can never be joined at the hip, they are just pretending.

thank you all for your kind words. its been hard finding others that can relate. no one in my real world gets it. its not the same as others who have had their relationships just end for whatever reason. the ending sucks, but then to find out about their sexuality. its a facet that most people cant relate to. its hard to take their works of encouragement. here. this forum this is comparing apples to oranges not apples to apples. . 

clintonia wrote:

Personally I don't see how it ever gets better. It's been over 20 years and I still can't replace my idea of love or marriage with **anyone** else. It seems to have been tied to my philosophy of life. I agree with the apples & oranges and feeling of "my one". This is how it's been for me my whole life. They say it's an attitude, but it's also neurology. I don't think some things can be "fixed".

20 years? im sorry about that. some may see that as bad. i can see that as just the reality. time doesn't make things go away, huh?