OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / How Much Responsibility Should Be Taken?

**Posted by rekamc** November 27, 2020 12:33 am

Blue Bear wrote:
Straight Spouses should take precisely zero responsibility. The reason for the demise of the relationship is directly related to their concealed sexual orientation. So you were a straight guy trying to keep a lesbian happy in marriage? The probability of success is low.

Sometimes, the non-straight partners try to accuse us of behaving badly or irrationally after discovery or disclosure. But how can any Straight Spouse be the best version of themself after a nuclear bomb has been dropped on their life? Again, a failing task.

Z.E.R.O.

great post wow - and that particular sentence really hit close to home, heh

**Posted by Leah** November 27, 2020 10:55 am

I agree with Lily and Blue Bear, but I know from my own struggles that it is easy to blame yourself, esp. when your spouse is all too happy to blame-shift stuff onto you. Add to that the high probability of gas-lighting and it is no wonder one feels at fault because that is how they want you to feel. The victim is always the gay spouse it seems and then we get the rap for ‘outing’ them (for those who face the special trauma of closeted in denial types) if we have the temerity to say anything about them as the split happens.

I haven’t read your story, but take care of YOU! Your needs, financial and otherwise, simply must become your priority. The energy stealing nature of these people is legend. They are feeling the homophobia and shame that kept them in their relationship with you and it is uncomfortable for them. So god help you if you try to get any empathy from them in that state. Not usually a thing.

Sending you strength!

**Posted by MelanieElizabeth** November 27, 2020 11:11 am

Hi - I'm so sorry you're going through this. In my case, and in many others I've read, the shame causes the LGBT Spouse to project their anger onto the straight spouse. When I was new on this forum, I saw a post to a link that helped me so much. It's Dr. Minwalla's "Secret Sexual Basement" where he talks about how when one person in an intimate relationship is deceptive about their sexuality or sexual behaviors, they begin (perhaps unknowingly) to psychologically and emotionally abuse the spouse. They have to lie, disassociate, and project to maintain the secret. Here is the link - as I said, it helped me a lot: https://theinstituteforsexualhealth.com/podcasts/

If you scroll down you'll find the podcast. This is not your fault.

**Posted by Julian_Stone** November 27, 2020 7:25 pm

Melanie—thanks so much for sharing the Minwalla podcast. I think it's worthwhile for all straight spouses to listen to it. Even in the best of scenarios, there's some trauma to wade through....It can be difficult to recognize (yet alone process) when you're in the thick of it.

**Posted by Leah** November 29, 2020 11:30 am

Melanie, thanks so much for that link...listening now and it is very interesting and comforting to hear it named as abuse so clearly. Integrity abuse....so spot on!!!