OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / "Had to check it off the list".......

**Posted by Marta.m** October 28, 2020 8:36 pm

You’re not stupid. You’re just a kind human being trying to figure out what is the right thing to do. Just don’t forget to be kind to yourself!

**Posted by Blue Bear** October 29, 2020 1:52 pm

"Had to check it off the list" is ridiculous. You put stuff like "traveling to Australia" or "skydiving" or "swimming with sharks" on your bucket list. Not hand jobs from other dudes.

Lots of gaslighting there.

**Posted by MelanieElizabeth** November 1, 2020 8:43 am

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know exactly how you feel. My husband was sexually abused as a child and went to therapy to see if his attraction to men was related to trauma (trauma reenactment) or whether he was actually gay. He thought it was the trauma and we had almost 20 great years of marriage. But, one he hit midlife things shifted and his identity issues became more prevalent. Joe Kort is a therapist who has a lot of articles/videos online about helping men figure out whether they really are gay or not. Sometimes they aren't.. Here is a link to one article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-the-erotic-code/202008/when-the-other-woman-is-man
He also has a book that has a lot of good information "Is my Husband Gay, Straight, or BI." I like him because he really supports trying to make marriages work when it's possible. He is critical of therapists who automatically assume any man with an attraction or fantasy about men are gay. These resources helped me because it is so complicated. It turned out my husband is gay and we are divorcing now. Good luck and take care!

**Posted by blindone** November 1, 2020 8:59 am

Melanie,
thank you so much...I will look at that book and the other resources. I have read one of his blogs and actually shared it w/my ex fiancee. I wonder if he was abused myself. He has two older brothers (by 5/6 years), he was rejected by his father for not being good at sports, and so he's in therapy and I'm looking forward actually to him finding out more about why he cheated w/men and what is his identity. He was 55 when he cheated. But he won't even admit to all of it so I don't know if there was more at other times in his life.....thanks so much again for sharing and I wish you luck as well. Take care too!

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 1, 2020 4:24 pm

MelanieElizabeth wrote:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-the-erotic-code/202008/when-the-other-woman-is-man

My personal opinion;....Joe Kort is gay. I thought he was an interesting man and maybe if I was the non-straight in my relationship I would think of reading his books but as a straightspouse? no way.

Elle

**Posted by Carly1227** November 16, 2020 8:50 pm

Rob wrote:
Guess I want to reply ..as a straight guy..if you put a gun to my head..there is no list. Its not something any straight guy has on a list. Just wanted to say that..

I found in my snooping my GXs list..things on it like get stupid drunk etc. At our age some of the things seemed childish ..but I didn't see kiss a girl on there ..because she was already doing that..

Thing is..she never shared any these goals or list with me. It was like I was holding her back..like a parent holding a teenager back..I was suddenly a determent to her..keeping her from woman and other things..I was the source of all problems and unhappiness in her life. This is her reasoning to this day.

TGT is a terrible thing for us straight spouses ..it creates this doubt, anxiety and mistrust that is, now, always there. It creates self loathing..as if we are or never were enough for them.

But we used to be enough. Reality is we are enough..this is all them. This is their list. But just because they write it down does not make it moral and right..

WHAT IS TGT? Sorry, I’m new...

**Posted by Carly1227** November 16, 2020 8:53 pm

I caught my spouse a long time ago and demanded the blow by blow (pun intended). He said I seemed to enjoy oral sex so much he wanted to know how it was. I’m not saying I bought the bullshit, but it goes over in my mind the lengths he will go to in order to create his reality.

**Posted by blindone** November 16, 2020 10:15 pm

Carly, TGT "the gay thing"

**Posted by Leah** November 29, 2020 1:14 pm

I wouldn't expect too much 'truth' from someone who is exploring something he is loathe to admit to. It is just toooo hard....

I was told by my GIDX that his decades of cottaging was just acting out to be naughty, that he had never had sex with anyone...highly unlikely scenarios by any standard. The ironic thing that still makes me laugh/cry is when he was confronted and confessed that had an affair with a woman - he told me his motivation was - to 'check' if he was gay! I guess the wife and three kids was just not enough 'proof'!!

Excuses for bad behaviour are just that - excuses. Lies and deceiving someone you love is not something you put on a 'list'. Seriously!

Last edited by Leah (November 29, 2020 1:15 pm)

**Posted by blindone** November 29, 2020 3:02 pm

Leah....thank you for sharing your perspective. I need reminders b/c you know the mind does crazy things at times, like rationalizes and sometimes 'wants' to believe him. Your GIDX also cheated w/women? Something I suspect of my X as well. But the way I see him pursuing men in my evidence leads me to believe a woman could be sitting on top of him naked and he wouldn't pay attention. He's in therapy and I check him w/him every few weeks to ask how it's going. The past two conversations he's cried like a baby over his relationship w/his father and an aunt who was his advocate against his critical mother. Not sure what more is going on, but I've never seen him show this much emotion. He seems very deeply depressed as well. I don't know anything about what the 'coming out' process looks like for a GID, but wonder if this is a start?