OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / 8 years 2 kids now what ?

**Posted by Dad1st** September 22, 2020 3:22 pm

Julian_Stone wrote:
Dad1st wrote:
I feel like I have gone bi-polar over night going from angry to sad to just down right depressed in hours.
I think this perfectly encapsulates the straight spouse experience. Seventeen months later, I'm still engaged in that game of emotional ping pong....only a slower version...that's mostly stuck in sad mode.

As others mentioned, you don't need to make any life-changing decisions right now—but I don't think it's at all unreasonable to ask your wife to stop actively looking for dates until you've separated or have come to some other agreement. I can imagine you must feel like you're being kicked while you're down.
No doubt this is a very confusing and painful time for both of you, but you do not need to accept being treated that way.

Take care of yourself—and post here any time you need to vent! <3

I am going back and forth on her searching on dating sites... it is so early in her journey and I need her to be sure of her new found identity. It SUCKS that I know my soulmate is sitting in the same house looking to fulfill her desires while I am right there and it is probably the most hurtful part of the process, seeing her smile chatting to someone else.

But I know if I tell her to stop one of two things will happen,

1. Less likely - She will stop and always wonder what would have happened if she found someone.
2. More likely - She will take it behind my back and do it anyway.

So my current position is to take a wait and see approach for the next months or 3, feels like I will have more data to base a decision on in a couple of months.

What has others in a similar situation done ?

**Posted by fridayinjune** September 22, 2020 4:09 pm

I’m going through something very similar. My wife and I have been married 13 years and have two kids. She came out as bi two months ago and is obsessed with being with a woman. Lately she has been sexting with a woman on a forum for bi-sexual women. It feels like a kick in the teeth to lay in bed with her while she chats with a stranger. She wants to stay with me but i really wonder if it’s for the comfort and safety (not to mention not having to answer hard questions from people). I thought about leaving but couldn’t pull the trigger since I have kids. But it really
doesn’t seem like she’s thinking about much beyond her overwhelming desire to be with a woman

**Posted by lily** September 22, 2020 5:42 pm

re the kids. re soulmates who use their children as tools to gain the cooperation of others - sorry to be so harsh but I know this bisexual mother and every time she wants something of me it's the child put in front - oh he wants to see you, oh he has been talking about you and really it is complete fabrication, nothing to do with him at all, it is just her way of preparing the ground for what she wants from me.

**Posted by Daryl** September 22, 2020 5:51 pm

I'm sure you will not be surprised to hear me say that the only actions we can control are our own. You should do what seems right to you. You can express what you think feels right to someone else but they may or may not agree with you.

My personal opinion is that it's quite disrespectful to be trying to hook up with other people while wanting to maintain a sort of status quo with the married partner who's being ignored here. Expecting them to stand back and hang about for an undefined length of time while seeking the attention of others. Again, my opinion, but if you want the freedom to explore, it comes with consequences. One of those consequences is that you release your partner from any further obligation beyond that of being a parent. This frees up that partner so they can seek what they need.

**Posted by stevo** September 23, 2020 6:58 am

Hi Dad1st. My situation is similar to yours, you can read it in "our stories". We have agreed to remain true to each other till we figure this out. I respect her for that. She tells me on a regular basis "i love you today. but no promise I will down the road" ,,,,married 22 years. I am still in love with this woman, No excuse me,,,,I am no longer in love, but still have a strong emotional attachment to her. That felt good to remind myself of that.lol Peace of mind is what we all seek and I will never have it with this woman as long as we are together. It hurts like Hell, but this is the reality of our situation. Time heals all wounds.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** September 24, 2020 7:20 pm

TakenbySurprise wrote:
...Dad1st,
"Give yourself time and space. You are in crisis mode and it's ok not to make decisions right now"

This is good advice

**Posted by lily** September 24, 2020 11:31 pm

Is it such good advice? There have been people who have come here and boom they pull the plug on the marriage straightaway and I rather admire that.

I don't know if you were around when we used to talk about the 'eww factor' - the gross out feeling - I just got it now thinking about whether I would ever want to have sex with a woman. No thanks. Not that I don't like women's bodies, I've got one myself but I will never want to have sex with a woman ever as long as I live. I just know that. Whereas men, bloody hell it's a whole different feeling!

In a MOM, contrary to what you're being told, contrary to the most obvious physical appearances, in some emotional or psychological way it's like there's a part of you, an invisible part of you, that is being grossed out. If there is one thing straight spouses can offer each other it is validation of those feelings. My belief is that they become physical over time.

**Posted by Dad1st** September 25, 2020 10:18 am

I hear you lily, I just want to know I tried everything before giving up on all the effort and good memories we have.

I also find it very hard to have empathy with my spouse as I cannot understand her situation at all. I really try but it is just so foreign to my mind that it just does not compute

**Posted by lily** September 25, 2020 1:36 pm

oh yes, I remember thinking the exact same thing - I just want to know I've tried everything. Thanks for hearing me. (smiley face)

Just recently I did a good turn, I offered sanctuary. There was this woman and I said she could sleep in my studio for a few days and the next thing you know I have been seriously moved in on. So not what I offered. She says everything will be all right if we can still talk and while she is talking, omg it's like a chill pill, my anxiety goes right back down and trust is being restored - but then I wake in the night again, and nothing has changed only got a little worse anxiety levels right back up and a knot of anger in the pit of my stomach.

So I have asked her to leave straightaway. I said I'm sorry and I will help her in the move but it was better to face it now than if she settles in here first. Of course she's not listening..