Their appropriation of femininity and their denigration of our femininity (all that lingerie that never did the trick) is one of the most insidious and damaging aspects of our experience.  The more "out" my ex got, the more outspoken he got about being "the feminine one."  He even started referring to me as "butch," which is not a term I'd ever have applied to myself.  Nor would anyone else, either.  I really felt as if he was pushing me out of the definition of "woman" so he could have it for himself, even though he kept saying we were in a lesbian relationship.  His "lesbian relationship" still consisted of a masculine person (he designated me for that) and a feminine one (he took that one for himself); I still maintain that he was more fixated on gender roles after he made his trans declaration then he was before hand, and never acted more stereotypically male/masculine in terms of wanting to lay down the law than he did when he was demanding to be treated "as a woman."  
  So glad to have put all that behind me!  I can't say I've recovered completely from that gaslighting craziness, but I'm SO much better!  

I did not realize how diminished I was until after the divorce as I began to rediscover myself. I was not employed and no longer went anywhere where dressing up was expected so I had settled into wearing what my sons outgrew. Anything dressy was years old and no longer fitted but it was less depressing to look at a full closet.

As part of my new life I said to myself "New lover: new lingerie." I didn't have one but if I ever hoped to get one ditching the granny panties and getting some push-up bras was a good beginning. I got rid of those clothes that didn't fit and shopped charity stores for a new wardrobe, trying new colors and styles. Got some costume jewelry there too - bigger and bolder. Changed my haircut and color. Added some makeup.

Being sexy is being comfortable in your own body. Anyone who puts you down is not worth keeping around.

 

It was when he started to have sex with men and transgender women 32 years ago, I now realize, that my husband started to keep track of my menstrual cycle in his agenda. When I was sad or stressed by the turmoil of gaslighting he would wave his agenda to me as proof that it was my hormones, my body, not his behaviour that was the issue in our marriage.

Last year after I "came out as a SS" to my 12-step group, without having revealed the above incident, a fellow member told me the same agenda story with a husband she divorced 30 years ago. She was still shocked by it, and so much was I that I never told her that the same thing happened to me. I should have. We must share these stories to understand that it has nothing to do with our body and all to do with their minds. Obviously our embodiment is the issue with non-straight spouses. They are not all happy with this. My fellow group member's son was as gay and addicted as his dad, whom he hated, and died of overdose.

Last edited by MarieSimoneLoraine (September 7, 2020 7:30 am)

I'm still very much on the roller coaster.  I do well when I am not home.  I hate that he is underfoot ALL.THE.DAMN.TIME.  I can't stand looking at him.