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1 - TakenbySurprise
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Help! I feel like I'm on a roller coaster.
My husband of more than 15 years just told me last week he believes himself to be a transgender woman. This was completely out of the blue. He has literally no feminine qualities and never expressed any interests in engaging in cross-dressing or anything of the sort. We have agreed that he will move out in March to allow for financial resolutions and prepare ourselves to tell our children that he is moving out. He has said he is not ready to tell them, but then he came home wearing nail polish and scented lotion.
I feel mostly lost at this point. And sick. I can't eat. I can't sleep. He left for a few days because I asked him to and now he is back. He works from home and is constantly underfoot . I did go see a therapist last Friday for the first time.
How do I prepare myself and my children?
- lily
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Re: Help! I feel like I'm on a roller coaster.
Can I suggest you go ahead and talk with the children? do it first, don't leave it up to him, you have every right to talk about what's happening to you - it's only going to be digging a hole with them if you don't talk now.
That's the main thing that I thought of.
That and go easy on yourself at all times - this is an absolute blindside and has a huge emotional impact. As much as possible even if only for a few minutes take a rest on your bed.
Then there's the wish list - ask him to find somewhere else to live straightaway and failing that, your own bedroom.
wishing you all the best, Lily
- Rob
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Re: Help! I feel like I'm on a roller coaster.
Taken,
So sorry. You are in shock. I think the first thing to do is breath and give yourself a break. If you have a routine or schedule just stick to it..maintain your normal routine as much you can.
You do not need to figure everything out in one day. Start with small steps. Start building your support system...you did some of that already by posting here and by seeing a therapist. Small positive baby steps each day.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Lynne
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Re: Help! I feel like I'm on a roller coaster.
Deleted.
Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 5:25 pm)
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Help! I feel like I'm on a roller coaster.
TakenbySurprise,
Your user name says it all. When my now-ex dropped his trans bomb, I felt like he pushed me down the rabbit hole, and there we were in Wonderland, which was not wonderful at all, but warped, in a mind-boggling and terrifying way. As with you, there had been no signs; my then 58 year old husband had lived an unremarkable life as a man, had never said or done anything that would have suggested he was harboring these feelings or beliefs. When he told me, however, he also told me he'd been "exploring whether he might be trans" (his words) for some years, in secret (including filching my discarded underwear out of the trash and trying it on).
Sometimes the trigger can be an event in your life--a death, a close call, birth of a child, a girl child entering adolescence, a milestone birthday. In my ex's case, there was a death in our family. Porn was also involved; I don't know if he got the urge from watching it, or whether it activated feelings he had been suppressing either consciously or unconsciously.
I know it's hard to accept--it seemed to me as if my husband had taken leave of his senses, and had gone mad, especially as he began exhibiting personality traits that I would not have said he had ever had, and espousing ideas about gender that were the exact opposite of things he'd said his entire adult life. He went from being a strong supporter of feminism who resisted traditional gender roles to being someone who espoused extreme traditional views of women and men ("women are weak" "women are passive" "women like to be dominated") and acting out an exaggerated version of femininity.
Seeing a therapist for yourself is an excellent step. Just make sure you get a therapist who will focus on your needs and sorting yourself out for what you want. Some therapists see their role as pushing the trans narrative, and will try to make you feel guilty for your (understandable) feelings about having your life upended.
You might also want to visit the transwidow thread over at Mumsnet:
The woman who moderates the mumsnet thread also has begun to collect our stories:
Here's a podcast, too, that will help you feel less alone:
How my ex-husband’s transition made me feel
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 3, 2020 9:41 pm)
- MJM017
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Re: Help! I feel like I'm on a roller coaster.
Dear TakenBySurprise,
I am so sorry this has happened to you. If you haven’t seen this already, please take a look at the thread- First Aid Kit: How To Survive Finding Out Your Spouse Is LGBT.
Keep up your routine, reach out to friends, & you may want to let your children know there are issues between mom & dad. Kids have a sixth sense when something is not working out with their parents.
You may want to show your therapist the resources OOHC gave you. Some therapists are sympathetic but may have a learning curve dealing with the spouse of a gender dysphoric husband.
Please take good care of yourself.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- TakenbySurprise
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Re: Help! I feel like I'm on a roller coaster.
Thank you all for the support. Especially those resources, OutofHisCloset.
To be clear he never gave any inkling to me, but he has since confessed that he was crossdressing before he met me and decided to put that aside and pursue being a man. He, of course, never bothered to inform me. He has always scoffed at those who decided to claim a new identity.
I do feel that this therapist is very much supportive of me. She even recommended this site as a resource. I have another appointment next week. She urged me not to make any decisions right now because it's essentially a time of crisis. I'm struggling with that. I want to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I have to give up my entire life. Not just our marriage, which is hard enough. But I have been out of the full-time work force for almost a decade. I really, really love what I do part-time and it allows me to homeschool my children. I don't want to change that for them especially now because I think they are going to need some semblance of normalcy.
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Help! I feel like I'm on a roller coaster.
One thing you might do is to visit a lawyer to find out more about what your options are for support should you find you need or want to separate (think of it as preparing yourself for the date you set with your spouse). Your therapist's remarks on not acting when in a crisis are sound, if the situation warrants it, but it's not a hard and fast rule, and your actions should depend on your situation, which may change faster than you are right now thinking it might. Men who begin to feminize themselves often ramp it up once they begin, and from inside their "pink fog" see any request to take it slowly to acclimatize the rest of the family as an unbearable imposition, so it is only smart to be prepared.
Alas, you are going to give up your "entire life." That's the consequence for you and your children of your husband's actions. Nothing is going to be the same going forward. It's unfair, and it's hard, and it hurts. If you feel anything like I did, what you really want is your life back. Unfortunately, you're not going to get it. I kept waiting for my husband to "come to his senses" or "get it out of his system"; eventually I had to recognize that in his mind he HAD come to his senses, and the change was permanent. Any sense of normalcy will come from you, but it might come not from your maintaining the status quo at home, but from being the sane, consistent parent in a new home for you and your children.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 4, 2020 11:34 am)
- TakenbySurprise
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Re: Help! I feel like I'm on a roller coaster.
Yes, I have already arranged for a consultation with an attorney (and am one as well-although not practicing). We have worked out a support agreement in principle and I am looking for a mediator to finalize a legal separation agreement before he moves out.
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Thread Starter- Zenobia
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Re: Help! I feel like I'm on a roller coaster.
TakenBySurpise - The other responses have covered lots of good advice. I can state that from my experience the thread linked for the widow thread is very helpful. It is a lot to handle and process. I imagine you know by now you aren’t alone but do know that. Many women seem to be in the same spot as we find ourselves.
I myself have had a really difficult time handling it as the changes this far have been much as you mentioned of very rigid traditional stereotypes. As for children I don’t have much advice. There is one on my situation which is younger that now knows the new name and sees the outward appearance. Interaction with the child comes and goes as my spouse is very into their whole process right now and investing most all time in it and new friendships online.
Seems good that you have already set a move out date and and working on formal agreements. And with seeking out therapy. Sounds like you found one that will get your well being front of mind.
When personality traits and viewpoints totally shift like that it really is a rollercoaster. In my case some of my husband’s “favorites” like color and scents are even different. So on one hand the person I met is totally gone but some traits and preferences/hobbies were kept so this “new” person is a similar. Like someone putting everything that makes a person into one moving box then chucking a bunch of things out and adding different things in. Then crossing out the name on the box and putting a new one on it and presenting it to you stating nothing is different.