Posted by Tiymay  August 4, 2020 4:46 pm | #11 |
I unfortunately made this connection as well. I survived childhood sexual abuse, as well as later abuse and trauma. I never received any recognition from my abusers- they wouldn’t admit what they did to me, or offer an explanation or apology or anything. One accepted a guilty plea which is the closest I got. But I think it all haunted me more than I realized- because my relationship with my GID husband led to a cycle that was harmful and abusive but at the time felt positive and loving and looking back on it I think it’s because I was finally getting apologies and recognition of the abuse, which I’d craved my whole life. My GID husband for example missed our first wedding anniversary supposedly because he had to work late (I believed him then- now I don’t), and when he got home he screamed at me and was awful to me, blaming me for ruining our anniversary because I was upset he got home so late and missed our dinner. But that weekend he planned an elaborate date and apologized profusely for his behavior. That type of behavior was repeated for years, manipulating me into believing I deserved the treatment and to just wait hoping for things to improve. I honestly don’t think I ever would have realized how toxic his behavior was if he hadn’t stopped the apologies and such- last year he reached the point it was just all lies and abuse all the time, with no apologies or reprieve for me at all, and it took that for me to finally realize what was happening.
Last edited by Tiymay (August 4, 2020 4:47 pm)
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Posted by Upside March 3, 2021 5:53 pm | #12 |
First, thank you Victo for this topic and for sharing about the SSN podcast with Kimberly Brooks Mazella. I haven't listened to this episode but look forward to checking it out.
Second, I was sexually abused as a very young child by (what I believe to be) a woman. It only occurred once but had a large impact on me. My GID wife would only engage in two sexual activities with me, the primary one being the same act I was abused with. She used it as a form of trauma bonding, while also distancing herself from real "sex".
Third, I think codependent behaviors are a by-product of all forms of abuse. It seems that some straights were abused and willing to accept affection in any form. This turns us into people pleasers. Abusers love this personality type, as they push boundaries well beyond what would be viable for someone with fully baked boundaries. The repeated phrase by straight husbands here seems to be "I worshipped the ground she walked on". This seems to go beyond even codependency levels, with deeming their secretly gay/bi/lesbian wives near God status.
Fourth, personally, the sexual abuse made me less masculine. My voice is higher. My style was long hair and artsy. I liked things that women did, like musicals. I avoided sports and aggression. As a broad generalization, I've seen SSN husbands be highly verbal or artistic. In hindsight, my GID wife was clearly attracted to me because of these traits and molded me to be more female for the majority of our relationship. When I moved away from her requests (such as cutting my hair) her reaction was to emotionally abuse. There is almost a fear of conflict and a bred docility that is a common thread.
Fifth, I think family plays a massive role as well. My mother suffered from mental issues and required me from a young age to save her from herself. This model was transferred right over to my high school sweetheart girlfriend, who became my wife. I have seen mention of this codependent family dynamic within this forum. Additionally, the helpful support system of family and friends weren't there. All of the people in my life told me to stay with my wife, even when the abuse was physical. They genuinely did not understand that my DID wife's actions were intentional.
Sixth, I personally believe that narcissism is at play for many cheating spouses. My wife was diagnosed with multiple Cluster B personality types. Many of those behaviors are mentioned here daily.
This is a long way of saying I agree!
All of the above combines to make a husband who is a people pleaser that is willing to work endlessly hard with little reward to prop up a disordered individual, while their support network encourages it, and the answer lies not in miss-matched communication but in a combination of proactive spouse dishonesty and unaddressed mental illness.
There are so many common trends in husbands with Gay/Bi/Lesbian/GID spouses that it is a shame there hasn't been more tangible research on this.
Last edited by Upside (March 3, 2021 5:59 pm)
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Posted by lily March 4, 2021 5:21 pm | #13 |
Upside, great post. I have seen a man being hoovered up by a GID grannie. It wasn't long before she'd dyed his grey pony tail pink. He really didn't like it but she still did it. and then the next thing she was painting his nails.
I recently heard someone saying people can be divided into two groups - predator and prey.
I saw a little study that called it hawks and doves and I much prefer that because the dove is only prey in relationship to the hawk - with another dove there's a lot of bill and cooing and staying together and sharing their family responsibilities and grieving if one of them dies.
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Posted by TangledOil March 4, 2021 5:55 pm | #14 |
I (straight wife) have no history of abuse (sexual or otherwise) in my childhood or adulthood. I feel very fortunate for that. I’ve led a rather safe, protected, and charmed life. My bi husband has a history of repeated sexual abuse by a male he trusted as a young child. I don’t necessarily think there’s any rhyme or reason as to how things work out. I do think we chose each other (and continue to choose one another) because we consider one another our home, our safety.
Last edited by TangledOil (March 4, 2021 6:02 pm)
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Posted by Hawklover March 4, 2021 7:27 pm | #15 |
I am a straight partner to a closeted bi man. I also have a history of sexual abuse as well as emotional abuse. It is a very interesting link and I think it must have some significance. I am looking for a counselor to help me with all of this and I will be sure to bring that up. I have been aware of my history negatively affecting my choice of partners for many years.I thought I knew what I was doing when I made the choice to enter into this relationship. But here I am with another partner that lies to me. Obviously I have work to do.
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Posted by Gloria March 5, 2021 8:43 am | #16 |
I was sexually molested as a child . It causes all types of problems, trust issues being one of them. I know that these trust issues have affected me all of my life. So sorry that you suffered the same fate.
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Posted by SusanneH March 5, 2021 12:29 pm | #17 |
Just chiming in to add to the statistics, so to speak.
I had a wonderful childhood. My family was loving, nurturing & I didn’t even know there was such a thing as abuse until after I was grown and heard about it. When I got married to my first husband, and he drank the first 10 years of our marriage, he held me down one time & pulled me down by my hair one time. If it had gotten any worse, or if it had happened again, I don’t know if I would have stayed or not. I was also a pleaser....after all this, I’ve gotten out of it a lot. He never hit me, and the 2 incidents didn’t hurt me. I DID put up one heck of a fuss when they happened & I think I scared him enough that it helped him to see to not do it again. I mean, I SCREAMED & backed into a corner. It scared the heck out of me, as I’d never been treated that way. & there was NO way I was going to be treated that way again. He didn’t after that & when he sobered up, there wasn’t any problem with his anger anyway 😊.
So, compared to a lot of folks (except going through this cheating), I’ve had it pretty good when it comes to being treated well. I feel very blessed...(I didn’t feel too blessed when I found out about all this, but now that he’s not doing it any more, 🤞.....no, I guess blessed is more 🙏🏼. 😁. Now, I can’t say what’s down the road, but I’m trying to live one day at a time & not worry about what’s ahead.
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Posted by Carly1227 April 16, 2021 1:48 pm | #18 |
phoenix wrote:
Thank you, Phoenix. I think what Kimberly Mazella was talking about was the link between childhood sexual abuse and then becoming a straight spouse later in life.
Victo, Sorry I did misread what you were talking about.
That's a different and also very interesting point.
I wonder what the connection is between being sexually abused as a child and then becoming a straight spouse. Perhaps the experience as a child creates a personality type that GID people look for in a mate. Maybe the sexually abused child becomes extremely empathetic and compassionate? Maybe the abused child becomes much less demanding in their sexual needs and accepts the GID person without questioning what another person would find odd?
not to take this on a different trajectory, but it has triggered memories of my childhood abuse. Which led to this thought - the things that made me a victim as a child, only child, mother terminally ill, father away working to pay medical bills. Just makes me wonder how needy I was back then made me a prey for people wanting to take advantage of me in many ways. There were boys who wanted sex, people who wanted me to pay their way, etc etc.
I guess I'm just wondering if circumstances that led me to be victimized as a child then shaped me into a person who was still needy for love and being desirable/wanted.
I'm not revealing my childhood as part of a pity party - I'm long past that ;) this is just the first time I've thought about the implications with respect to my GID.
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Posted by fiddlesticks October 19, 2021 4:37 pm | #19 |
I was sexually abused as a teenager by my best friend, I now find myself married in a 25 year emotionally abusive relationship. It had crossed my mind that there maybe a relationship between these things, coming across this post is an eye opener. Due to the nature of my childhood abuse, it being my best friend, same sex, and same age, I felt so guilty and scared I didn't mention it to anyone for 11 years until I met my still GID wife, whom I told within a year of knowing her, she was suitably sympathetic, and supportive at the time, but if I have ever brought it up since it has always been a case of 'well we all have our baggage to carry dont we', as a result I have probably never really dealt with it properly. I have recently discovered my wife is having an affair and am in the process of trying to find my own path through this, with much help from you beuatiful people btw. I also spent 10 years following my abuse terrified I had aids, I only saw the boy who abused me once since it happened, probably 4 or 5 years after the abuse, when I met him with the idea of talking to him about what had happened to which his response was one of anger and telling me I knew what I was doing, the meeting lasted less than a minunte and I ran from the bar where we had met, I have never seen him since, but I heard rumours that he was ill, this just fuelled my fear that I might be ill, he stood his to be wife up a the alter and later married a man. I discovered several years ago he had died, I believe of a heart attack. When I met me now wife I went for an aids test as I wanted to be sure I was okay before I commited to a long term relationship, the hospital didn't believe me when I turned up and said I had been raped as a child and wanted to get an aids test, they did take blood, and told me I was okay, so I went ahead and tried not to look back. I often wonder if this knowledge imparted to my wife made a difference to her marrying me, it sounds horrible to even think such a thing, but as I know now the world can be a horrible place, even amoungst those who we fall in love with and whos hands we place our most vunerable self in. I will listen to the pod cast, perhaps it will help guide me in a better direction for my future. Thanks for posting.
Last edited by fiddlesticks (October 19, 2021 4:43 pm)
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