OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

**Posted by Gloria** July 22, 2020 3:23 pm

Thank you for the response. He's not my legal husband but I do spend four nights a week with him. He is quite a bit older. I cannot say that I am staying for the children but there is an elderly pet who benefits by not being in my home four nights a week. Our first six years were great. I have to be careful what I say because this is public. We were at his vacation home with our young friend who I thought he had a father/son relationship with. Problems with AC and house was cooling down. Young man wanted to sleep on screened in porch because of heat. My friend said that if he got too hot during night he would get into bed with young man. Young man said no. I woke up and he was in bed with him. Then, everything became crystal clear. This man is very smart. Had all kinds of execuses for what he did. No, I don't have anywhere to go. Family member is living with me now. I have to keep my pet safe from his.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** July 22, 2020 6:12 pm

Gloria wrote:
Thank you for the response. He's not my legal husband but I do spend four nights a week with him. He is quite a bit older. I think you are being duped into being in a r'ship with this older man as a cover for what he's doing with younger men. This is my opinion, and I feel that makes you a witness to all he's doing.
I cannot say that I am staying for the children but there is an elderly pet who benefits by not being in my home four nights a week. Our first six years were great. I have to be careful what I say because this is public. We were at his vacation home with our young friend who I thought he had a father/son relationship with. Problems with AC and house was cooling down. Young man wanted to sleep on screened in porch because of heat. My friend said that if he got too hot during night he would get into bed with young man. Young man said no. I woke up and he was in bed with him. Then, everything became crystal clear.
i would be less concerned with pets and more concerned that the young man said "no" but this older man climbed into bed with him anyway.
This man is very smart. Had all kinds of execuses for what he did. Be smarter than him.
No, I don't have anywhere to go. Family member is living with me now. So if you live in a seperate dwelling don't be persuaded to go to his place. You need to confide in somebody about this, and be stronger about resisting him
I have to keep my pet safe from his. You need to keep yourself and your mental health safe....

Elle

**Posted by Gloria** July 23, 2020 9:28 am

Elli, thank you for telling me that I am in the wrong group. That was so very sweet of you. I have been seeing a therapist since February 2017. I told her about the support group and she suggested that I try it if I think that it would benefit me. Peace and love to you. Please know that I am holding a good thought for you today and always.

**Posted by ExBeard** October 18, 2020 3:19 pm

RE: Red flags.

- didn’t like oral sex
- sex with eyes shut
- no foreplay
- sex mechanical/matter of fact/doing me a favour
- I always initiated it
- Never looked at my naked body.
- never looked at other girls / never feared he would cheat on me with other girls.

.... just generally blue blooded when it came to females.

Last edited by ExBeard (October 18, 2020 3:21 pm)

**Posted by DSJane** June 13, 2021 8:30 pm

There were so many that I missed! Never considered he was bisexual or even questioning until I stumbled upon an incident where he lied about his whereabouts while he was,in fact, getting a m2m massage happy ending included. When confronted, he said he was curious and is now absolutely certain he has no interest in men. Needless to say I started researching. Several flags existed that went unnoticed. I always initiate sex. He does not give me oral, but is happy to receive it. He has no interest in exploring my body. Does not even look at my vagina.Lights always off during sex. Always sits down to urinate. Loves to penetrate me anally. Rarely kisses me and never uses his tongue. Does not share anything about his sexual past. Will not speak openly about his fantasies, desires, or anything sexually. The first time I introduced a male prostate stimulator, he had the most incredible orgasm I've ever witnessed, but had no interest in returning the favor. The second time we explored his back door with toys, I might as well have not been in the room... and he broke my favorite vibrator using it on himself.
That's a pretty big freaking list for someone who claims to have no interest in bisexuality.

**Posted by TangledOil** June 14, 2021 2:05 pm

I really only noticed one red flag and my husband and I talked about it over the years. The only tip-off to bisexuality was he occasionally, every few weeks or so, watched gay or bi porn. There was nothing else. We have and always had a very active sex life. He was/is typically the initiator. He was/is always very affectionate and loving. Nothing is off-limits. He loves everything to do with male/female sexual interaction… kissing, oral, light on, eyes open, lots of foreplay, etc…

Last edited by TangledOil (June 14, 2021 2:09 pm)

**Posted by TangledOil** June 15, 2021 1:35 pm

longwayhome wrote:
A bisexual man has no problem performing with a woman. Where the problem seems to occur, is very much with their curiosity and their true level of commitment to the relationship.

I agree with what longwayhome stated… at least that’s been my experience. My husband and I haven’t had any issues sexually in our 30 years together. He enjoys everything about male/female sexual interaction. My husband had brief and limited MM experiences 30+ years ago so he believes he could enjoy that again too, but it doesn’t at all discount that he enjoys a woman too.

Tangled

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** June 24, 2021 2:28 am

DSJane wrote:
.....Loves to penetrate me anally.......

You sound like a very highly-sexed woman who thought your r'ship was perfect. Until those 'off' feelings you experienced.?
The nagging feeling will be the best thing that happens because it'll make you start thinking about what you want.

But... It must be so difficult to navigate through this when, even though you might feel your missing out on some intimate things.... you're actually pretty open to giving him anal ( which as a bisexual is something he's keen on)

Elle

**Posted by DSJane** June 25, 2021 9:25 pm

"The nagging feeling will be the best thing that happens because it'll make you start thinking about what you want."

Sadly, it's been rather one sided. While I love to find ways to help him enjoy and explore his curiosity, he has shown little interest in exploring my kinks or introducing things that focus on my pleasure.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** June 25, 2021 10:39 pm

DSJane wrote:
"The nagging feeling.....

Sadly, it's been rather one sided. While I love to find ways to help him enjoy and explore his curiosity, he has shown little interest in exploring my kinks or introducing things that focus on my pleasure.

You'll still in the "focus on him" stage. Loving to help him explore his curiosity definitely IS one-sided but it's you who has to realize he'll be loving it to your detriment
If you're determined to save and continue to enhance your marriage maybe you need to get support on the MOM board.

Elle