OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / I am a straightspouse...this is MY Forum

**Posted by Lyonene** July 6, 2020 11:05 am

Daryl wrote:
"The Straight Spouse Network (SSN) is an international organization that provides personal, confidential support and information to heterosexual spouses/partners, current or former, of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates and mixed-orientation or transgender/non-transgender couples for constructively resolving coming-out problems. "

The focus is on helping the heterosexual partner and I think this forum should firmly follow that statement. The non-hetero half of our relationships already have support options, if they are even interested in the question. This board doesn't need to cater to their journey.

This. ^

I don't actually post much on this board anymore since the MOM section was added. Too much conflict of interest for me.

**Posted by walkbymyself** July 7, 2020 7:59 am

When I first discovered my husband's secret, I couldn't have imagined divorcing him, and I did read and post in the MOM section. A few things happened along the way -- I realized I'd only discovered the tip of the iceberg, and it all started to sink in.

I don't post in that section because I'm not in a position to offer support. But, I think it's valuable for others.

I will point this much out: there are many people who stay in a MOM because that's their only viable option. For example, a wife who depends on her husband's employer-based insurance, is diagnosed with cervical cancer. It's true that she's going to stay in a MOM, but it's pretty clear this is not anybody's description of a "successful marriage". There are people struggling to recover from bankruptcy. We've had people post here who are immigrants, have limited English skills, and their status depends on remaining in the MOM. Their reasons for staying in the marriage are nuanced and complex, and of course all of us appreciate the pain divorce can unleash.

If I'd been bombarded with doomsday scenarios in my early days, it wouldn't have worked on me -- I would have left. So having the MOM forum available was a way to me to get my bearings a little bit, and it made it easier for me to view my own situation more objectively.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** July 7, 2020 9:50 am

You make an excellent point. And I do make a distinction between those who stay for reasons like illness or insurance or lack of funds or immigration status--all barriers that the person facing them needs to work on overcoming, if possible and in time--and those who stay voluntarily. It's the latter arrangements I have difficulty believing could be fully satisfying. Others can have their own opinions and make their own arrangements.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 7, 2020 9:53 am)

**Posted by walkbymyself** July 8, 2020 4:53 am

I agree -- I am very skeptical that these marriages can ever be truly fulfilling; most of the time they're viewed as the least bad option. I know some forum participants don't want to hear "the negativity" as they often put it, but if you gave me a polygraph and asked my true opinion, I'd have to say that a marriage that was a result of fraud, and that is being endured because the alternative seems worse ... is not going to work out in the long run.

**Posted by phoenix** July 9, 2020 2:47 pm

This is quite a discussion. I appreciate the comments and opinions from everyone who has shared.

We are a support group. We support the following

Current and former straight spouses and partners of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people
Post disclosure couples
Our families and friends

What really needs to be understood is that not everyone has the same support needs. Most of us need help with a separation, but some simply want to come to grips with the new dynamic and they don't (at this time) want to separate or divorce. We created the MOM section for the latter group. If they came here looking for ideas and practices to help them remain married then we wanted to create a constructive and positive place to help them find the support they are looking for.

If having one lesbian woman in a dedicated thread give perspective and advice that is helpful and supportive then I think that furthers our goal of offering support. We did the same with a gay man in a dedicated thread where he helped others understand the actions their own spouses took and why they may have done so.

Because there are so many different types of support needs we cannot possibly maintain a uniform message in all areas. One message doesn't apply to all. We will always try to offer support and do our best to support different types of needs.

I do agree that the presence of a LGBTQ person on this forum can be triggering, so I will continue the precedent that we have a single thread for that person to be active. This way if a person doesn't want to have that interaction they can simply avoid that thread.

Thank you all!

**Posted by phoenix** July 9, 2020 2:49 pm

BTW.. my apologies to all for my limited access. My new job doesn't give me the free-time to be as active on the forum as I was before. Also, I just got married last month and we've been incredibly busy trying to prepare one home for more people and prepare the other home for sale. Covid has also caused some changes in life.. I hope to be more active in the future.

**Posted by Rob** July 9, 2020 3:19 pm

Congrats on getting married. I hope it gives others hope that life can be better after TGT.

**Posted by SusanneH** July 9, 2020 3:28 pm

Phoenix, thank you for your input.
Also, congratulations on getting married!

Last edited by SusanneH (July 9, 2020 3:32 pm)

**Posted by phoenix** July 9, 2020 10:13 pm

Thank you all so much! I didn't mean to hijack the thread to my own topic.. in fact i am sensitive to the fact that a lot of newbies find the concept of remarriage to be a trigger and don't want to hear about it.. so I don't mean to bring it up.. except that it's contributing to my lack of activity here. Apologies for that.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** July 10, 2020 1:58 pm

phoenix wrote:
Thank you all so much! I didn't mean to hijack the thread to my own topic.....

Great news Phoenix. Yes it seems you did hijack what has been an interesting discussion. But perhaps your "stay in one-thread" request has brought the conversation to a natural end

Elle