If you will look, Samantha is posting on ONLY ONE thread. It is meant to HELP OTHERS, and that is the ONLY reason she's doing it. She was invited, most accepted the invitation (that I saw anyway), and she kindly is here to share her inside feelings, etc on how she & Dutchman have made a MOM work happily for 15 years. I think most of us would just LOVE to learn as much positive informataion on that as we can.  Now, if you read, you'll see it took a lot of work, and that's what she's sharing.....both what they did and how she felt. It's been very enlightening to me and I haven't been able to find this information directly from a gay/lesbian who has been through this many years and also who writes so well that  you can really tell what she went through (similar to how Dutchman is good at writing).
IMHO, I hope you all don't run her off. I appreciate learning as much as I can. And, if you don't want to read what she's writing, it is only on ONE thread out of all of them! Just skip that one! I seems pretty simple to me.

Last edited by SusanneH (July 5, 2020 1:39 pm)

In fact, Susanne, in deference to the stated intent of the MOM section, I don't post anything against MOMs on that section of the forum,  but I feel free on this section to say what I think and what has been my experience both in my own marriage and from reading for almost four years on the this forum.  I've seen a lot of straight spouses come here who are in shock and in denial and smoking the hopium and saying things like "I want to make this work; I want to help my spouse come out; now that it's out in the open we're communicating like never before" but who discover that such reactions are part of a common response, and who later come to see that they can't make it work by altering their own behavior in hopes their partner will alter his or her own, or that their partners won't make it work because they're really looking for an out or aren't being honest, etc.  

I do tell people who go there to the MOM looking for a full spectrum of info that they are on the section of the forum where they will hear only information about making it work, and if they want a more full discussion they can come to the support section. 

From my perspective the advice goes both ways: if you don't like hearing the stories of those of us who discovered just how pathologically warping the closet is or how narcissism works or how entitled narcissists can be or how being gaslit into greenlighting "open" relationships or sex on the side for their partners is not something to tolerate, or what passive aggressive behavior patterns look like, then stick to the MOM section.

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 5, 2020 3:54 pm)

You make a lot of assumptions. Just because someone doesn't post in that section doesn't mean they don't read it. I'll repeat. I didn't post in that section because of how it's set up not because I agreed or disagreed. I made it pretty clear why I had reservations. And assuming other people aren't here to get support or healing or are bitter because we aren't in denial about how MOMs rarely work is certainly not fair. Just 'my' opinion.

"OOHC" wrote:

I personally cannot conceive of any marriage between two partners who are not of the same sexuality being anything but a fundamentally unsatisfying and deeply unsatisfactory accommodation.  Subjecting myself to having sex with someone who finds my sexed body distasteful at best and repulsive at worst does not appeal to me in the least, nor goes requiring my spouse to subject him/herself to it.  You clearly are willing to make the accommodation, as well as to subject yourself to and require of your wife the sexual obligation. 

I don't know if you actually realize how degrading you express yourself towards me and my wife. And I certainly don't understand where you think you get your authority from to judge us the way you do. But like I responded to you before, maybe you don't read or understand my writings very well.

I acknowledge your hurt and what happened in your life, and understand the cynicism and rejection that followed. And maybe... if I were in your shoes, I would feel the same. And it's terrible reading about some of the stories here and the damage done to people. Please don't forget I was very near that same cliff. I remember very well what I felt at the time. For me it's like coming to the edge of the abyss, but life took a turn before falling over. 

What I and my wife describe aren't about some cheap and simple Hollywood scripts. It's about our very real life we've gone through. Including the troubles and deceptions. And yeah, the sex was far from ideal at the time, you're so right. Thanks for pointing that out, lest someone would have missed that part. I don't recall I've claimed or stated something different however.

But much more important: you seem to miss out completely our deeper motivation in it all, why we did what we did.

Whirligig wrote:

........Most of us don't post in the MOM board out of respect for how it was set-up .......

I was disappointed that the MOM board was set out and titled the way it was but after asking for it...knowing there were members who disagreed with it....I didn't feel I should rock any more boats and tip any more people into the water. It was, it seemed to me, compared to and modelled on the Yahoo groups...
 This is not how I envisaged it and I'm so sorry for initiating it. I wanted a space for decision-making for  STRAIGHTSPOUSES still stuck in their r'ship, who found themselves in a straightspouse quandary and needing to talk with OTHER STRAIGHTSPOUSES. Not one that had any LGBTQ influence. Once again I apologise

Elle