I have a big problem with men who defend their cheating by claiming that it was "just physical" expecting that cheating is okay if it's not a committed and loving relationship.

It's like trading my wedding ring for a sack of old garbage, and when I get caught, and my husband gets upset, defending that choice "why are you so upset?  It's only a sack of garbage!"

If this other activity was SO unimportant to him, then why would he put the most valuable relationship he has in his life at risk for it?  I'd turn the question around and ask him that.  If something he's doing is so important to him that he's willing to risk his marriage for it, then by definition it's more important to him than his marriage.

Last edited by walkbymyself (March 30, 2020 8:23 am)

Seconding Blue Bear's comment. As a 100% straight guy...your husband's opinion is not that of a heterosexual male. He may be 90% straight, but he isn't 100%. Now you have to decide if that is okay with you or not. Also, "walkbymyself"s comment is right on. You were still being cheated on and he is not respecting you or your marriage. Recovery may be possible.

See the free resources at www.affairrecovery.com . My wife and I have found their videos and free bootcamp helpful. However, if he has no regret, remorse, or sympathy, there is no prospect for recovery.
 

I am in the same boat. Throughout our 24 year marriage there has always been signs and I should have stuck with my gut. He says he loves me. I know he does but I also know that those desires and urges will never go away. We have 3 kids and businesses together and it is hard. I know what to do but haven't gotten there yet.

lily wrote:

Nada, I am curious - what do you see your recovered marriage looking like?

my ex identified as bisexual and said he was 80% straight for a while.

imo the term bisexual means someone who is same sex attracted but also wants a straight spouse.  Maybe the percentage thing is related to how well they can tolerate living with a straight spouse but how can it be related to attraction?  It's magnetic isn't it - attracted or repulsed.  


 

It is really hard to know right now. I want the relationship I (thought) had, with me dedicated to my wife and her dedicated to me. Her coming out/being shoved out has had the result of her spending a lot of time soul searching, apologizing, and being clear with me that she is attracted to women, but not in any real need of being with them sexually, and being totally sexually, emotionally, and romantically attracted to me. Who knows another person's heart? Well, I made it very clear to her many times that I am willing to let her go, or rather, I begged her to go, if she didn't really want me or believed she would rather be with a woman. She refused, saying she absolutely does want me and does not want a woman. I can only hope she is honest. Time will tell.

I don't want to take over this thread with my own issues concerning my relationship, which are not few. To go from "my wife is perfect and I look forward to seeing her every time" to "my wife makes me uncomfortable and I am scared most the time" in a period of a few weeks is quite a shift. I am going back the other way now, where I am regaining comfort and affection again.

HisBeard96 wrote:

........Everything we have is tied in the businesses together.

 

Have you seen a lawyer yet? a counselor? Have you told many people about your situation?