OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Wondering how to explain end of our marriage to mutual friends

**Posted by Leigh2453** January 12, 2020 2:06 pm

Hi everyone. I am so grateful to have found this site. It's been a lonely road.
In April 2019 after yet another lie and betrayal, I left my husband. I don't know if he's bi, gay, a sex addict or what, and perhaps I never will know. Our divorce is scheduled for a month from now. Our friends were astonished because they had no idea anything was wrong. My husband is playing the victim because I left, yet he has been deceiving all of us for years. I don't know how to respond when close friends ask what happened. In a way I still feel like I'm keeping his secrets because I'm not sure I have the right to speak honestly when I am asked about it.
Have any of you struggled with how much to reveal to friends?
Thank you for your thoughts on this.

**Posted by lily** January 12, 2020 3:21 pm

Hi Leigh,

I have read your story. One thing I want to say is you are not the only person he 'confided' in - he has told all about himself to a lot of strangers hasn't he. you he was 'almost' bullying into compliance. Not a confidence and nothing almost about it - that's manipulative bullying as distinct from the basic 'give me your lunch money or I'll punch you in the nose' style.

I was married to a GID all my adult life without knowing it - I ended up realising that to him I was a part of his wardrobe and the person I thought I was married to wasn't real - I had been interacting with a sock puppet - the person everyone thinks is so nice isn't real, the one underneath is. Now you know. Your friends don't. You were wise only to talk initially to friends who weren't invested in him.

You have every right to speak honestly. and I'll say that again - you have every right to speak honestly.

You want a group of friends that is supportive of you, but he is playing Mr Victim, trying to win them away from you.

When I was in that situation I was shocked to discover that my ex had already talked to all our friends when I thought it was still private and he had started with my closest friends. Wishing you lots of good luck, look after yourself.

all the best, Lily

**Posted by Leigh2453** January 12, 2020 3:43 pm

Thank you for your thoughts, Lily. You're right of course that he has talked to others about himself. I remember being shocked at reading something he wrote to another "gurl" about how he's wanted these experiences for 40 years. It underscored the deception he practiced to keep me in the dark until after I married him.
I still worry that if I tell the truth about why I left, the gossip mill will churn, and I will look bad for outing him. What I would hope in being truthful is that our friends who care for both of us will understand that I tried hard to make it work, but that it simply wasn't possible. I dearly wanted to keep what I thought I had and I'd like friends to know that I tried hard. I don't want them to abandon him. Heaven knows he needs friends as much as I do.
Thanks again, Lily.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** January 12, 2020 9:20 pm

I think you can say just what you have above to your friends: He kept me in the dark about his sexual orientation and practices; I tried to make it work but that after finding out what I did, including the ways in which he was manipulating me to engage in risky sex with other people, it simply wasn't possible.
To speak to the truth about your own life is not the same as "outing" him. "Outing" to me is telling with malicious intent, to do harm. All you want to do is to speak the truth about why you are leaving him.

**Posted by lily** January 13, 2020 5:36 am

Leigh, honey, please don't worry about him having friends - worry about you having friends. This is a person who has been playing the victim card when he is the bully. The friends don't know that, how can you tell them that, impossible until they see it for themselves. If he is anything like my ex he is not just playing the victim card as in she accidentally ran over my cat, he is playing the victim card as in she deliberately ran over my cat and then she laughed in my face and shot my parrot.

And this is how effective it is - my closest friend who has spent so many hours in the kitchen with me, eaten countless meals, had come to believe that it was my ex who did all the cooking and I took credit for it. I was so shocked. How could she have lost touch with reality so much!

Lies carry the day every day even though it is the truth that remains at the end of the day.

Make your plans to hold onto the friends who will support you. And tell as many people as you want about your marriage, as OOHC said, it's your story. That's all you need - just stick to telling your story.

**Posted by Abby** January 13, 2020 8:03 am

Being honest not only counters his misleading narrative but also lets people know that there is not some reason that he did not disclose such as you are an alcoholic or drug addict, you ran up massive debt unbeknown to him, you cheated on him etc.

When and if and you want to date again your friends can be a could source of referrals and they aren't going to urge their single male friends to meet you if they think you may be a bad match.

**Posted by Davin** January 13, 2020 10:25 am

"When you tell the truth, you never have to remember what you said to anyone."

It is a tangled mess to try and tell some people one story and a watered down version to others. In the end, it will work its way out and if you aren't straight with people, they will be upset.

All that being said, you don't have to be malicious about it. Just be honest and state facts. He lived a secret life that once you found out, you were unable to stay in the relationship.

Remember, HE made the choice to deceive you. HE chose a lifestyle with extreme risks with anonymous sexual partners etc. HE didn't tell you up front because you provided him the cover he needed to live his covert lifestyle.

**Posted by walkbymyself** January 13, 2020 1:34 pm

Leigh, if it's any help ... what happened to me was, where I failed to make clear what was going on (out of respect for my GID husband's privacy and/or family relationships), regardless of my intentions, people filled in the blanks themselves, and that ended up being counter-productive.

Most people should be able to handle "I found out my husband was gay, and I felt that it was profoundly unfair to him and to me to remain in the marriage." Most people won't ask for more information than that, and if it's "outing" him, that's his problem, not yours. If he wants to control the narrative, it's up to him to tell people he's gay. If he abdicates all responsibility, he can't complain when you take on the burden yourself.

**Posted by JoeC** January 13, 2020 1:55 pm

I am in the process of divorce and I only disclose to people when I need to. Its not something that I feel like I need to announce everywhere. They will find out when they find out. The people I have told, I keep it simple "My wife and I are divorcing, she came out to me as gay we are ending our marriage." "We are moving along on new life paths." "This is a difficult time, but we will be ok in the long run.: I don't offer any more, I let them ask questions if they have any. I told my wife that I would not hide anything, that I will only tell the truth.

**Posted by BirdSolveig** January 13, 2020 3:35 pm

When my TGXH came out to me, I told all my closest friends and my family of origin. These were the people I needed for support. Later I wondered if I had told too many people, but I don't think anything bad has happened if I did.