Hi Leigh,

I have read your story.  One thing I want to say is you are not the only person he 'confided' in - he has told all about himself to a lot of strangers hasn't he.  you he was 'almost' bullying into compliance.  Not a confidence and nothing almost about it - that's manipulative bullying as distinct from the basic 'give me your lunch money or I'll punch you in the nose' style.

I was married to a GID all my adult life without knowing it - I ended up realising that to him I was a part of his wardrobe and the person I thought I was married to wasn't real - I had been interacting with a sock puppet - the person everyone thinks is so nice isn't real, the one underneath is.  Now you know.  Your friends don't.  You were wise only to talk initially to friends who weren't invested in him.  

You have every right to speak honestly.  and I'll say that again - you have every right to speak honestly.

You want a group of friends that is supportive of you, but he is playing Mr Victim, trying to win them away from you.

When I was in that situation I was shocked to discover that my ex had already talked to all our friends when I thought it was still private and he had started with my closest friends.  Wishing you lots of good luck, look after yourself.

all the best, Lily


 

I think you can say just what you have above to your friends: He kept me in the dark about his sexual orientation and practices; I tried to make it work but that after finding out what I did, including the ways in which he was manipulating me to engage in risky sex with other people, it simply wasn't possible.  
To speak to the truth about your own life is not the same as "outing" him.  "Outing" to me is telling with malicious intent, to do harm.  All you want to do is to speak the truth about why you are leaving him.  

Being honest not only counters his misleading narrative but also lets people know that there is not some reason that he did not disclose such as you are an alcoholic or drug addict, you ran up massive debt unbeknown to him, you cheated on him etc.

When and if and you want to date again your friends can be a could source of referrals and they aren't going to urge their single male friends to meet you if they think you may be a bad match.

   

Leigh, if it's any help ... what happened to me was, where I failed to make clear what was going on (out of respect for my GID husband's privacy and/or family relationships), regardless of my intentions, people filled in the blanks themselves, and that ended up being counter-productive.  

Most people should be able to handle "I found out my husband was gay, and I felt that it was profoundly unfair to him and to me to remain in the marriage."  Most people won't ask for more information than that, and if it's "outing" him, that's his problem, not yours.  If he wants to control the narrative, it's up to him to tell people he's gay.  If he abdicates all responsibility, he can't complain when you take on the burden yourself.

When my TGXH came out to me, I told all my closest friends and my family of origin.  These were the people I needed for support.  Later I wondered if I had told too many people, but I don't think anything bad has happened if I did.