Leslie, I do know what you are referring to about derogatory references to gay spouses & I ABSOLUTELY agree with you. It is hurtful, distasteful & completely unnecessary to state one's point and quite frankly, it's very low classy. I am a huge supporter of the LGBT community in my city and was very active & vocal about the cause. My issue is not "with them", but simply my husband & his conniving & deceit behavior. He just so happens to be TG, which is why I'm here. I believe 99% of the SSN members have the same non-homophobic views. I also think it's important not to label someone homophobic & a bigot simply because they take issue with their spouse's actions. It does everyone a disservice in hopes of real & open dialogue. This "shutdown" of dialogue is evident in the fact that people need a "secret board" like this one, to discuss their feelings. A good example is Kris Jenner. The woman chimes in on everything for ratings & a paycheck & optimizes every photo op possible, yet she has not said a thing about HER feelings on her husband's transition because she knows she would be labelled a bigot if she said anything other than compliance & support. 

I hope you find *just* the right advice, support & dialogue you need to help you find clarity, where ever that is.

Dee: How you are NOT a 24/7 angry bitter crank after those years is amazing & a testament to a LOT of work. Kudos to you.

Last edited by whatasham24 (September 7, 2016 2:06 am)

I've seen the term "Lezex" used, and I realize that some people find it derogatory.  I haven't seen anyone being referred to here as "fairies".  I don't think I've ever seen that here or on the previous board - ever.  I also don't see general disgust for gay people in general so much as for their actions to their spouses - mostly lying, cheating, deceiving, gas lighting, etc.  I have seen narcissists put down, but again - precisely for those same reasons.  Which I think is fair.  I put my ex down for some of those, and he's not a narcissist.  I have a brother-in-law who is a narcissist, and when I put him down (when talking to others in real life), it's not for being a narcissist, but for the atrocities he's committed against my sibling.  I think most people here are the same - they are wounded by their spouse's behavior, and they hold that against them - and rightfully so.  I don't think any of us here are gay bashing or against the gay community in general.  Nor do we think that being gay is something our spouse chose.  I myself view it as something that "happened" to my ex, and by extension, me.  I only hold him responsible for not telling me that he knew, and keeping me in the dark - which wounded my self-esteem.  I fault him for throwing me under the bus and saving himself.  I think that's pretty much how we all feel.

As for M.O.M., if it works for you, more power to you.  Whatever floats your boat and doesn't hurt others.  I just happen to think that most st8 spouses who choose that path are falling on the sword and acting like it's not killing them.  I don't want that for people, and I won't blow sunshine up anyone's ass about what they're choosing and how it will likely affect them.

Kel

Wow! Again, I am very sorry for offending any of you. I chose this thread because it started out as a subject I was interested in. I don't feel I hijacked anything or set out to shame anyone. This thread has made me question whether attending my local meeting is something I should do. I feel attacked and out of place. Let me say again...I wish you all the best in whatever works for you. You all deserve happiness and contentment. I will leave you all in peace.

Leslie,
Hate to say but it depends on the meeting and facilitator. And of course the makeup of the group. I know in the one I am affiliated with you would be welcome and accepted and meet some in the same position as you. There are also some "angry" ones. There are some outstanding inclusive groups in the SF Bay area and in Houston, not sure of others.

I'm jumping in to this thread a bit late but I've enjoyed the exchanges. (Maybe it's because I live in Europe where strident argument is seen as positive.) My only experience with mixed orientation marriages and same sex attraction is from the now cancelled TV show "My Husband Is Not Gay" from TLC. So what I'm about to write is 100% personal opinion, without any scientific foundation.

​The only people who use the expression "same sex attraction" are people too terrified to say "gay" and this includes both the SSA spouse and their enabler. ​My feeling is that if you've always had a sexless marriage, then your spouse suddenly announces he/she wants an open marriage, and euphemistically describes their sexual orientation as same-sex attraction, honey you're getting the short end of the stick. They've now redefined the marriage as: I get to have sex with the same sex, you still get no sex, and yet still stay in this sham of a marriage while breaking your heart.

There is a simple test as to whether you're on equal terms in a mixed orientation marriage. When your spouse hits the marriage reset button and gives you the new terms, exclaim "Oh that's wonderful!" and tell them you too have been hooking up on the side for years, you CAN'T WAIT to formalize your relationship with a long-term lover, and thank him/her for having the courage to discuss it because you too have SSA. Then start planning out your weekends away with your new boyfriend/girlfriend/f*ck buddy, and see how long your partner sticks around. My feeling is most wives in newly-minted MOMs are left with the bulk of the child rearing and domestic duties while their errant husbands f*ck around even more blatantly than before. So my feeling: what's good for the SSA spouse is also applicable for the non-SSA spouse. You get to have an open relationship as well, not just waiting by the window for your gay spouse to return. MOMs aren't partnership in my opinion: they're slavery.