Posted by Laura1962  August 1, 2019 8:03 am | #1 |
I don't know where to start except I suppose give the facts...
I was married to a man 10 years my junior and was led to believe he loved me, we had an amazing wedding and also 2 years later a daughter.
He had a 'breakdown' a few years later thinking he was gay then denied it all later.
He had massive anger issues, shouting and intimidating both me and my daughter, it was like walking on eggshells, he made our lives a misery.
We initially had what I thought was a 'normal' sex life but that ended 12 years ago, we had a sexless marriage, he blamed his medication for anxiety etc.
Meanwhile my parents and disabled brother were ill, so that took up all of my energy as well as bringing up a daughter (felt like single handed) and working.
When I had lost all 3 of my family unit it became clear I was unhappy. My daughter went to uni, just me and him, horrible. We had a row about my daughter and he goaded me into saying do you want a divorce, well do you? and I said this time I do yes...
He let me sleep on the sofa for 4 months then I moved back into my inherited family home, he pressurized me with our divorce proceedings and I stupidly agreed a financial settlement that was unfair because I felt sorry for him as he was worried how he would exist because I did absolutely everything for him.
4 months after I move out I discover my ex husband is on Gay apps, I see his sexual preferences, and that his is Gay (not Bi I note) and not out, I felt physically sick.
I write him a long letter expressing how angry and upset I am that he wasted 25 years of my life, living a lie, I was used a a front for his religious family, worse how I have lost out financially as I input all the capital into our marital home (being older had previous properties) and he has taken also half of my inheritance, the divorce is almost through so he's home and dry and I have signed a legal agreement, I feel stupid and duped.
I hate him with a passion, he still hasn't responded 4 weeks later only initially to say he needed tine to respond.
I need to speak with others in my situation as I feel so betrayed, hurt and angry, I feel I can't ever forgive him for his actions, least not the anger he subjected us to with his suppression.
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Posted by lily August 1, 2019 8:46 am | #2 |
Have you spoken with your lawyer? It might be possible to get that settlement changed. That is so horrible. You need your money!
sorry do so know how you are feeling. it's just plain horrible and I feel your hurt.
apologies but what a piece of shyte. that is exactly what my ex tried to do and he got more than he should but not that much.
what was your lawyer thinking of! mine saved me and would not let me sign off til I had a fairer settlement.
so sorry. wish I had some magic and to wave. wishing you all the best, look after yourself as much as you can. e-hugs, Lily
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Posted by Laura1962 August 1, 2019 8:52 am | #3 |
Thanks Lily
I can't afford to go down the legal route, it would probably be pointless as I had agreed a settlement at that time, I don't suppose him being gay means a damn thing.
You'll understand the betrayal I feel and lies, I openly asked him if he was gay and he lied to my face even when I said I would feel so much better as a woman, I really despise him.
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Posted by OnMyOwnTwoFeet August 1, 2019 12:24 pm | #4 |
What a jerk he was. What a user. I am so sorry. And I am angry at him for you!
I agree that maybe one visit to attorney is worth it? It seems to me that this was fraud. Maybe not. But if it is a lot of money in the settlement, then maybe an hour of attorney time is worth the peace of mind to be sure? Especially since you have not signed the final agreement (it sounds like). Even if TGT was still not known, there might be options. worth a legal check?
Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (August 1, 2019 12:25 pm)
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Posted by lily August 1, 2019 2:14 pm | #5 |
If you did not have a lawyer at the time of signing then I would think you have every hope to contest this farce of a settlement.
It is exactly what would have happened to me if it was not for my lawyer. At one stage my ex wanted to do it without a lawyer and I was told that if he didn't consult a lawyer himself he could overturn the settlement down the road saying he didn't get proper legal advice.
oh and I just want to add - I despise my ex an awful lot too - yours has just jpined the pile, what a loser. xox
Last edited by lily (August 1, 2019 2:16 pm)
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Posted by Laura1962 August 2, 2019 1:48 am | #6 |
Thank you all for your replies.
We did the divorce through wikivorce where they do all the paperwork for you through a solicitor, I had to be the one blaming him for behaviour ( anger etc) which he agreed to, couldn't find a fault with me so I had to do it so I therefore have a lawyer, albeit a kind of online one.
The deception is the hardest, I console myself with the fact I have a great daughter.
I have been too nice, I want to 'out' him I have now waited 4 weeks for his response, I keep thinking he must have thought all his birthdays had come when I said I was leaving, he never had the balls to and I hate him for that.
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Posted by OnMyOwnTwoFeet August 2, 2019 11:14 am | #7 |
Laura1962 wrote:
The deception is the hardest, I console myself with the fact I have a great daughter.
I have been too nice, I want to 'out' him I have now waited 4 weeks for his response, I keep thinking he must have thought all his birthdays had come when I said I was leaving, he never had the balls to and I hate him for that.
Yes yes yes! Oh Laura, I feel your anger! This whole he wants to be free thing but will not own it. WIll not own it! The deception. The lack of personal responsibility. The willingness to use us. It is stunning.
Over years, my husband used marriage counseling as a threat, to fix me. He yelled how he would have to leave the room because he might say something he would regret because I was so awful for asking to be spoken to kindly. He threatened divorce because I was so horrible, with a giant list of my horribleness including my health (I was recovering from a hysterectomy at the time). He threatened how he was going to walk out and told me I would know then, he said, I would know exactly why he was leaving, as he shut the door behind him.. He insisted he had to stay away from home more and more to take care of himself because I was so horrible, because I did not love him, because I would not connect with him Etc etc. He fantasized about being out of the marriage. He took such joy in telling me this.
But now! He wants me to know he really does love me. Our marriage has not been a sham, he says. I am wonderful, he says.
It is hard to believe it. And I don’t. It is all about him getting what he wants.
Recently my husband wrote me an apology. He worked on it very hard and I do give him credit for that. In it, he said he did not have clarity on his sexuality. Then he said, “I have told you I do not like labels. I do not find them useful.”
Guess “useful” is pretty important! Useful to him. And what IS useful? You. Me. unknowing spouses who do not know. Who give up everything to meet their selfish desires. Who provide cover and shelter, and also a focus for their projection of inner discord and hatred. It is amazing.
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Posted by Laura1962 August 2, 2019 11:21 am | #8 |
Apparently I am a 'beard' - I learned this yesterday, someone who provides a front for a gay person, how lovely.
On our 25th wedding anniversay he had the gall to message me and say ' we almost made it' like he was being nostalgic, makes me sick when I think about it.
When he was being emotional and afraid I'd sell our home and force him out I promised him I wouldn't do that and I'd sign a legal agreement (which acts as the final consent order) to give him peace of mind, I said I give you my word, he had the audacity to say ' you gave me that when you said your wedding vows' like he was blaming me, if only I knew then what I know now.
I feel so used and abused and I have a massive trust issue because he lied in my face for our whole marriage.
Yet....there's so much support for those 'coming out'
Makes me sick
