Thanks Lily
I can't afford to go down the legal route, it would probably be pointless as I had agreed a settlement at that time, I don't suppose him being gay means a damn thing.
You'll understand the betrayal I feel and lies, I openly asked him if he was gay and he lied to my face even when I said I would feel so much better as a woman, I really despise him.

I had a similar experience with my late ex husband, except no kids. I was love bombed before the marriage and abused afterwards. The lack of intimacy was due to childhood sexual abuse. 10 years of psychotherapy did nothing to help him overcome this trauma. (I believe he was asking for help on how to deal with his difficult wife or job. I mean, 10 yrs?) I asked him repeatedly if he was gay. No, he was not.

Am not sure which country you are in. In my area you can contest a divorce settlement at any time the ex is still living. (You lose that right when you remarry.) The respondent has to pay for your attorney if you can't afford it.  If applicable, changes in child support are always allowed.

it hurts to be duped and used.  I was in a semi-fugue and not able to function well for a while. 

Hugs to you and hope for the best for you and your daughter.


 

Last edited by MJM017 (August 1, 2019 1:09 pm)

OP, family law attorneys in my area have a free one hour consult. I did the rounds and found a few good people giving me free legal advice.  Hopefully this is the norm in your area.  Googling can help with to find area resources for support.

I have a deep disdain for this ex. The depth of the deception is unconscionable.

 

Last edited by MJM017 (August 1, 2019 5:29 pm)

Laura1962 wrote:

The deception is the hardest, I console myself with the fact I have a great daughter.
I have been too nice, I want to 'out' him I have now waited 4 weeks for his response, I keep thinking he must have thought all his birthdays had come when I said I was leaving, he never had the balls to and I hate him for that.

 

Yes yes yes!  Oh Laura, I feel your anger!  This whole he wants to be free thing but will not own it. WIll not own it!  The deception.  The lack of personal responsibility. The willingness to use us.  It is stunning.

Over years, my husband used marriage counseling as a threat, to fix me. He yelled how he would have to leave the room because he might say something he would regret because I was so awful for asking to be spoken to kindly.  He threatened divorce because I was so horrible, with a giant list of my horribleness including my health (I was recovering from a hysterectomy at the time).  He threatened how he was going to walk out and told me I would know then, he said, I would know exactly why he was leaving, as he shut the door behind him..  He insisted he had to stay away from home more and more to take care of himself because I was so horrible, because I did not love him, because I would not connect with him  Etc etc.  He fantasized about being out of the marriage.  He took such joy in telling me this.

But now! He wants me to know he really does love me.  Our marriage has not been a sham, he says.  I am wonderful, he says.

It is hard to believe it.  And I don’t.  It is all about him getting what he wants.

Recently my husband wrote me an apology.  He worked on it very hard and I do give him credit for that. In it, he said he did not have clarity on his sexuality.  Then he said, “I have told you I do not like labels.  I do not find them useful.” 

Guess “useful” is pretty important!  Useful to him.  And what IS useful?  You.  Me.  unknowing spouses who do not know.  Who give up everything to meet their selfish desires.  Who provide cover and shelter, and also a focus for their projection of inner discord and hatred. It is amazing.