I had a bit of a meltdown last night. My wife fiend a necklace at a store the other day and purchased it. Nothing fancy just a silver necklace with the phrase “choose happy” engraved on it. I said that’s nice, it fits you perfectly. Last night we were talking about the situation and for some reason I became very upset. I jumped right on that necklace saying you know what you get to choose happy, but what do I get to choose? Do I get to choose happy? Does or daughter get to choose happy? Your choice of happy puts us all in misery. I am moving toward accepting your choice, but would you even consider the reverse, I think not. She was sort of stunned and started to cry. For some reason that stupid cheap necklace just set me off. I just wanted to share this with you all.

Rocky#1:
I am very sorry that you find yourself needing this site. I notice you haven't been here for a couple of weeks.
I want you to know that you are not alone. There are many of us who were in relationships which we believed were mutually loving.
Your feelings are valid.
I was "married" for almost 18 years to a man who fulfilled my needs for love & acceptance beyond my wildest dreams. We had 2 children and he had a successful career. And then, the year of his 40th birthday, he showed signs of being irrational. I thought it was a "mid-life crisis" which would pass.
5 years later, he tells me, "I want to explore my homosexual feelings. I'd like to entertain men in our home."
Of course, I was shocked. And I did my best to convince him that I was better for him. Failed miserably.
The worst is the cost to our self-esteem. Telling you that you are not as beautiful as other people is not good for you. I repeat: telling you that you not as beautiful as others IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU.
Do not blame yourself for his lack of interest in you. He may not be gay or bisexual, but treating you with such contempt (yes, contempt) is not what a loving partner does.
Please, please read the "Forum Jargon for Newbies" by Steve. And please pay particular attention to "Gaslighting"... (http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=10)
There are many of us who care about you, Rocky#1, and want you to be happy.

Dear Zoso,
I feel your pain so vividly, it’s what I am experiencing right at the moment. My husband told me less than a month ago. You sound like such a sweet and kind man. It’s difficult to envision yourself with someone else, but you are a man worthy of love and seen to love deeply.
I do encourage staying in the present, it’s very difficult for me to do and I bring myself back and try not to live in future where I sometimes only see wreckage. 

2naive,
Thank you for the words that resonated so clearly and were so helpful to hear.

Knowing it may not be forever is why I think I am trying to get as much in as possible before she moves out. I am just still in disbelief that this is happening. I have so much love to give and I thought I was going to be giving it to her for the rest of our lives.

One hour I say to myself that I can do this. The next hour I am an insecure mess. I am getting better, but it is just so hard to comprehend what the future will be. I can’t imagi a future without her, but at this point I am slowly realizing there may be no future with her.

Zoso,
    Love needs reciprocity, Zoso.  The abundance of love you give has to be matched on the part your mate.  You believed it was, you depended on that belief to feel safe and secure in your marriage.  Giving love makes us vulnerable; we have to have trust in the person we're partnered with, that that person will not hurt us, but will accept our love and reciprocate it.  We need this belief, this dynamic, a belief in this dynamic, in order to feel safe and secure, and able to continue expressing our love and our trust.  When our partners/spouses sever the connection, cease to act reciprocally to us, and declare they are unable to do that because they are unable to desire us in the way that makes them feel fully committed, it is devastating.  But you can't, so to speak, keep throwing good money after bad.  You committed through no fault of your own to someone who couldn't reciprocate; continuing to demonstrate to her your willingness to commit, your commitment, is not going to change her or her position, and although she may out of kindness or love or guilt give you some small satisfactions, it's not going to salvage the situation or change her mind/sexuality.  
   Pretty soon you will remember that losing this chance to love and to receive love does not mean you will never have it again.  Losing this relationship is not the end of your ability to find love.  Yes, this isn't a junior high breakup, but it's not the definitive end of loving, either.