OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Is my Boyfriend gay or am i paranoid?

**Posted by Kel** January 8, 2018 1:59 pm

Confused,

As much as we women want to think that our men's first attraction to us is our personality and other mental strengths, that's just not how they work. The first thing out of their mouth will always be your looks. Maybe something very specific. "What do you like about me?" "YOUR BOOBS!" It sounds so cliche, but it's simply..... true. Men don't fall in love the same way women do - they like the outside appearance first, and then they get to know the full package. But #1 on their mind is still and will always be your body - for a straight man.

Men may have a deep respect for someone whom they really like, admire and respect. They my even feel love for that woman - be she a cherished relative, a coworker, or a friend. But they won't be IN love with them if they're not attracted to them. The attractiveness can build once they get to know the woman, or it can shrink. But first and foremost is attraction. If a man's talking about your personality first and foremost (unless he thinks that's what you want to hear), he's not a straight dude in love with you. He may like your personality - of that there is no doubt. And I think that is true more as time passes and our looks fade. But for a straight young man in love with a woman? Looks first. Even if we don't like that.

Guys....... am I right?

Kel

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** January 8, 2018 5:48 pm

If by "guys" you mean men, disregard this.
If you mean "guys" in the conventional sense of "everybody," then maybe this counts.
In my experience men can be attracted by a smile, a witty remark, your hair, or your kindness. Of by your legs or some other body part.
Frankly I think it's insulting, what you've said about men.

**Posted by phoenix** January 8, 2018 7:02 pm

This is probably a debate we should have in another thread. It's a very interesting topic, one that I think would be fun to discuss. BUT, let's leave this thread dedicated to Confused and her situation specifically.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** January 8, 2018 8:40 pm

My last word on this is that yes, it's important to the success of a marriage that there be a sexual spark between the two partners. But that's as far as I'd go in making blanket statements about men and what they're attracted by.

**Posted by Roo** January 9, 2018 10:43 am

Much luck to you Confused. Keep us posted and let us know how it goes.

**Posted by Kel** January 9, 2018 11:29 am

OoHC,

That's not what I meant at ALL. I didn't mean that men are only attracted to typically sexual body parts. But, as suggested, we should probably leave this topic for debate on another thread entirely. There was certainly no offense meant.

Kel

**Posted by confusedlover** January 10, 2018 8:22 am

hi everyone, thank you for all your support, I really appreciate it.. So I ended it on Saturday night and he was at my house on Sunday early in the morning saying he just wanted to see me for a few minutes .. foolishly I went and when I got into his car I started crying and he hugged me.. I told him that me and him could only be friends and he was telling me that he loved me and then after he was like I was born like this... I know he is gay and he is just scared to come out.... now my biggest worry is my health.. I got tested for all STDs and I'm now anxiously waiting for my results.. Before I met him because I got tested for everything and I had nothing... this has been one of most difficult times of my life I hope he didn't give me any disease.. I foolishly trusted him and I'm so mad at myself.. I just took his word when he told he was clean and he didn't seem to be the lying type.. I was deceived.. he was telling me he had never felt love like this before.. now I know it was all a lie.. I was just his cover.. now I keep on thinking what if he was hooking up with men behind my back when he took all those shopping trips ... my head is a mess.. when I saw the health advisor yesterday she told me that I should ask him to go and tested just in case if he has anything it will show and that I have to be there when he gets the results. I asked him to go and get tested the other day and I have to keep on pushing him to get tested.... I keep on asking why me why me.. but well it has been a huge learning experience.. I wish I never met him...

**Posted by phoenix** January 10, 2018 9:19 am

Well done confused.

I can imagine that was extremely difficult on you. But you did the right thing. I'm so glad you avoided further mistakes and more wasted time with him. Praying that your tests come back negative.

**Posted by confusedlover** January 17, 2018 10:21 am

Thank you phoenix, I got my results thankfully they were all negative but I will be going back to get tasted again in a couple of months.. even though I left him and feel betrayed i cant help but I miss my ex.. he was my best friend... I really want this punishment to stop now... I don't deserve this pain..

**Posted by phoenix** January 17, 2018 1:39 pm

You definitely don't deserve this pain. None of us did.

But you can use this as a learning experience and point of reference for your future. When you find love again you will see how much better it is to be with a straight man and you will appreciate how great things are.