OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » Is my Boyfriend gay or am i paranoid?

confusedlover · January 3, 2018 9:58 am

This is going to be a long post so lease bear with me. So I don't even know where to begin as I don't know who to talk to and i'm so embarrassed to ask my friends what they think about this.. So I have been going out with this amazing guy for 6 months and he is everything that I prayed for he is loving, caring and very sensitive.. So the other day I was talking to him about my niece's friend who is a boy and I told him that I thought he was gay and then my boyfriend went on to say what if someone is gay they are in the closet and they are the only one that knows about it and I said what and then he said what if he (the person that is gay) is the only person that knows that he is in the closet.... I had a shock look on my face and then he went on to say never mind.. but the way he said it was like he was talking about himself.. So after this I started to think about other things that made me think that he might be gay... a couple of weeks ago I was at his place and then he touched my boobs and then he said jokingly he wished he had them so I just laughed It off, he also said jokingly to me that why does he has to do all the f?cking, why cant he be f?cked and at that time I thought how weird but I just laughed it off.... and then there was one time after I had given him oral sex he went on to say how hopefully he can stop thinking about (he said something that I don't think had to do with what he was really thinking because I gave him a look).. So three days ago because it had been bothering me I wanted to test him to see if my theory was right I went on to play with his butt to see his reaction and he opened legs wide open and he really loved it, before then I was praying that he would ask me to stop but he didn't and ever since he has been asking me to play with his butt and rub it .. he also told me he likes his nipples sucked in which I did and he loved it. He also told me before that he used to go to gay bars and I asked him why he would go to gay bars and then he was like I don't know and he after he said honestly its because of drugs ( he used to take drugs before when he was in his early 20s) Ever since then its been like a torture to me as I have been thinking he is gay so I asked him are you 100 percent straight and he said yes .. This past weekend he came to pick me up and then whilst we were in bed he said to me I want to tell you something because you have been asking me questions and I said what is it and then he said i'm not attracted to women's bodies and then I said what do you mean exactly by that and then he said well when I look at a woman I don't get hard like any other guys for example if I go to strip clubs I don't feel anything and then he went on to say that i'm not gay or bisexual.. he went on to say he will tell me the rest later... so I said to him you need to tell me everything now and then he said he wasn't ready.. and then he also said I have been giving you hints.. I was so upset so I kept asking him over and over and he just stormed off the room.. when he came back he said he didn't want to talk about it.. and then sometimes I'm like he cant be as I know he loves me a lot as he has told me and he even cried once saying that he loves me so much that it hurts and we have talked about having kids, moving in and starting a family but there is this feeling that is my head thinking that he is gay.. what do you think.. am I being paranoid or do I have a right to be worried.. this is a first time i'm experiencing something like this.. I love this boy so much but I don’t want to waste my time with someone that is a closet gay and I don't want end up being married to someone that is living a lie and I think it will unfair to both me and him.....Please help me..

walkbymyself · January 3, 2018 1:40 pm

confusedlover, you are not crazy and your instincts are pushing you in the right direction. You are not being paranoid, quite the opposite; you are being rational.

If he can't acknowledge his gayness to himself, he's not going to be able to acknowledge it to you. I won't push you in one direction or the other here, but learn from my mistakes. I've been married for over two decades. Life throws a lot of harsh stuff at you, and life gets particularly difficult when you have a family. If you enter into a serious relationship -- either marriage or committing to a family -- with someone who is not a full and complete adult, you won't have a partner to rely on when things get tough.

My sister gave birth to her first daughter soon after she married, at age 23. Her daughter was born with severe chromosome damage, and lived the next 34 years with very severe and devastating physical and mental disabilities. Nobody prepared my sister and her husband for this, but they had to deal with it. Please stop for a moment and think, if this happened to you, would this guy be prepared for the burdens of adult responsibility? Would he be an equal partner?

Right now, he needs you the way a child needs his mother, but marriage isn't between and adult and an infant. You need a partner, not a dependent.

Duped · January 3, 2018 2:03 pm

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (August 28, 2019 2:09 pm)

confusedlover · January 4, 2018 9:33 am

walkbymyself wrote:
confusedlover, you are not crazy and your instincts are pushing you in the right direction. You are not being paranoid, quite the opposite; you are being rational.

If he can't acknowledge his gayness to himself, he's not going to be able to acknowledge it to you. I won't push you in one direction or the other here, but learn from my mistakes. I've been married for over two decades. Life throws a lot of harsh stuff at you, and life gets particularly difficult when you have a family. If you enter into a serious relationship -- either marriage or committing to a family -- with someone who is not a full and complete adult, you won't have a partner to rely on when things get tough.

My sister gave birth to her first daughter soon after she married, at age 23. Her daughter was born with severe chromosome damage, and lived the next 34 years with very severe and devastating physical and mental disabilities. Nobody prepared my sister and her husband for this, but they had to deal with it. Please stop for a moment and think, if this happened to you, would this guy be prepared for the burdens of adult responsibility? Would he be an equal partner?

Right now, he needs you the way a child needs his mother, but marriage isn't between and adult and an infant. You need a partner, not a dependent.

thank you for your respond.. I think he is denial and I know he loves me but he is not sexually attracted to me.. he even once told me that he has to imagine that he is pleasuring me when we are having sex... I was so shocked by this as he always initiated sex almost all the time and everytime i'm at his place we were always having sex ... Funny thing about the mother thing I even told him that I felt like I was a mother to him as he depend on me on a lot of things and I have been there for him in really bad times.. deep down he is a nice person but I refuse to be used as a cover.... he even said one time that he used me for comfort.. I mean what does that mean?? I'm at loss this is the first where I felt I was really in love and I had met my soulmate so i'm really crashed... i'm starting a new job tomorrow and i'm worried I might end up messing this new job as i'm so stressed.. i'm at his place at the moment and I forgot my bag in his car and he is at work.. I need to get my handbag from his car and go home and I have to wait for him to come back... i'm dreading it as we had a huge fight before he left....he called me nasty as I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore.... I have cried over this thinking why me why me.. this has really screwed up with my head.. i'm at a loss...

Last edited by confusedlover (January 4, 2018 9:47 am)

confusedlover · January 4, 2018 9:45 am

Duped wrote:
Confused, sorry you find yourself here.

You most likely are dealing with a crossdresser / autogynephile (a man who is turned on by the idea of himself as a woman/transexual). The want for submissive sex, comments about wanting breasts and skirting around your questions. If he was attracted to men he would say so, instead he’s saying he’s not attracted to females (my guess is that he’s not attracted to genetic females but to transexual men who look feminine but have a penis) he is saying he has more to share, I would bet this is it.

My ex said similar, but wouldn’t fully divulge his sexual interests which just left me guessing. Tunrs out he’s a crossdresser who also wanted submissive sex and wasn’t particularly turned on by real women. Their fantasy is to be taken by a dominant partner (man, tranny, woman with a strap on). My ex also took a load of drugs between teenage years and 30 so very interested to hear yours did the same. I do wonder how much that contributes to their psychological disorder.

Ask him if he likes to wear ladies underwear and if he has a femme name he likes to use. Sometimes a shock question will befuddle them so much they just say the truth (for once).

My wholehearted suggestion for you is to get out now. Now. Now.

wow he sounds similar to my bf.. .. my boyfriend was diagnosed with a disorder I cant remember what exactly .. and he has dealt with mental health issues.. h told me he was suffering from depression and anxiety before he met.. ever since he called me his guardian angel... he is such a nice boy.. I'm so sad but I have to do what's best for me.. I have watched his body language, his eyes and the tone of his voice when asking questions and I could tell he was lying when I asked him if he was gay.. he said to me yesterday I have invested a lot in this relationship and then after he was like I have to and then after he was like I have so much to loose... he has once to me that his parents are very traditional/old fashioned so I don't know if that has to do with that.. after I freaked out when he told he wasn't attracted to women's bodies he was trying to backtrack but you cant unsay things that you have already said.....anyway i'm just waiting for him to get home as he is at work and my personal handbag is in his car and I don't even know how i'm going t go back home and he is the one that always picked and dropped me off from home...so is your ex now dating men or is he dating women.. when that happened today he went on to download tinder in front of me .. swiping right on girls in front of me like he was trying to prove a point.. i'm already out of this relationship mentally anyway... I just cant take it anymore... he is trying to make me feel guilty for wanting to end things...

Duped · January 4, 2018 12:59 pm

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (August 28, 2019 2:09 pm)

Kel · January 4, 2018 1:31 pm

Confused,

Whatever's going on, it ain't good. When people are trying to deny a part of who they are from themselves, they sure as heck aren't going to divulge that truth to others. The only way they do that is if they feel like their secret is safe with that other person - that there's no fallout from telling the truth. If they fear that divulging the truth will lose them something they find imperative, then they are not going to tell the truth. So getting him to try to admit to being gay will be nearly impossible. That doesn't alter the truth, though. If he's gay, he's gay - whether he admits it or not. And that's where your keen sense of observation, listening, and gut instincts need to take over. You cannot let him be the keeper of YOUR truths. People lie to themselves all the time - it's up to us to decide what WE think the real situation is, and whether or not we want to be attached / intertwined with that reality.

If he's telling you that he's not attracted to women sexually, then that's enough. That's a HUGE truth, if you're a woman. He may try to backtrack and say, "I meant I'm not attracted to women...... except for YOU." The fact is that this truth ain't good. Right now he may be into you because he has super warm feelings for you - maybe because you offer him so much comfort and help and support. So his feelings of attraction flow out of that. That sounds nice, but it's less than is necessary for an authentic, straight relationship. Straight women need a man who's attracted to straight women, first and foremost. They have a whole slew of women that it could likely work with - but they've chosen you because they like you the best out of all the straight women they're attracted to. It doesn't need to mean that you're the prettiest, or the smartest, or the funniest, etc. But it does have to mean that the combo of qualities you possess are a good fit for them. You shine in one area, you are normal in another, and you are terrible at some. And that's okay - as long as you're hitting their major must-haves, and you're hitting them all to a sufficient level. You can be average pretty but hilariously funny, and that'll work for them. My point here is that if they're not into women, then you're not the best among the straight women that they like. You're the exception to the rule. And that has a very high probability of turning one day - they'll turn back to their rule, and you will no longer be their exception.

You are right to listen to your gut. It's seldom wrong. And from what you've described, your gut is dead on. Get away from this man. He may be a nice boy. So? I know lots of nice men - it doesn't mean that I think they'd be suitable choices for me to build a life with. They could be nice, wealthy, good-looking, and amazing in bed. But if I have kids and they don't like kids or want to live with them, the deal's OFF. It's not a good fit. You're a straight woman. You need a fully straight man or it's not going to work. And I think that despite what he's NOT saying, he's said enough for you to know that he's not a straight man. The rest is up to you. He's going to try to convince you that you've misinterpreted his words and actions incorrectly. You have not. You get to make this decision about who you tie yourself to. He does NOT have to agree with you. You know in your gut what's going on. Follow it.

Kel

Roo · January 5, 2018 4:08 pm

Listen to what your intuition is telling you. It's not fun to go through 23 years of marriage only to find out your husband likes having sex with men. It's devastating. And just what Duped said, get out now!

confusedlover · January 6, 2018 5:46 pm

Kel wrote:
Confused,

Whatever's going on, it ain't good. When people are trying to deny a part of who they are from themselves, they sure as heck aren't going to divulge that truth to others. The only way they do that is if they feel like their secret is safe with that other person - that there's no fallout from telling the truth. If they fear that divulging the truth will lose them something they find imperative, then they are not going to tell the truth. So getting him to try to admit to being gay will be nearly impossible. That doesn't alter the truth, though. If he's gay, he's gay - whether he admits it or not. And that's where your keen sense of observation, listening, and gut instincts need to take over. You cannot let him be the keeper of YOUR truths. People lie to themselves all the time - it's up to us to decide what WE think the real situation is, and whether or not we want to be attached / intertwined with that reality.

If he's telling you that he's not attracted to women sexually, then that's enough. That's a HUGE truth, if you're a woman. He may try to backtrack and say, "I meant I'm not attracted to women...... except for YOU." The fact is that this truth ain't good. Right now he may be into you because he has super warm feelings for you - maybe because you offer him so much comfort and help and support. So his feelings of attraction flow out of that. That sounds nice, but it's less than is necessary for an authentic, straight relationship. Straight women need a man who's attracted to straight women, first and foremost. They have a whole slew of women that it could likely work with - but they've chosen you because they like you the best out of all the straight women they're attracted to. It doesn't need to mean that you're the prettiest, or the smartest, or the funniest, etc. But it does have to mean that the combo of qualities you possess are a good fit for them. You shine in one area, you are normal in another, and you are terrible at some. And that's okay - as long as you're hitting their major must-haves, and you're hitting them all to a sufficient level. You can be average pretty but hilariously funny, and that'll work for them. My point here is that if they're not into women, then you're not the best among the straight women that they like. You're the exception to the rule. And that has a very high probability of turning one day - they'll turn back to their rule, and you will no longer be their exception.

You are right to listen to your gut. It's seldom wrong. And from what you've described, your gut is dead on. Get away from this man. He may be a nice boy. So? I know lots of nice men - it doesn't mean that I think they'd be suitable choices for me to build a life with. They could be nice, wealthy, good-looking, and amazing in bed. But if I have kids and they don't like kids or want to live with them, the deal's OFF. It's not a good fit. You're a straight woman. You need a fully straight man or it's not going to work. And I think that despite what he's NOT saying, he's said enough for you to know that he's not a straight man. The rest is up to you. He's going to try to convince you that you've misinterpreted his words and actions incorrectly. You have not. You get to make this decision about who you tie yourself to. He does NOT have to agree with you. You know in your gut what's going on. Follow it.

Kel

Thank for your support Kel.. I really appreciate it...wow you are so right, he has been trying waaaay too hard to prove to me that he is straight as well as going out of his way being lovey dovey towards me but my heart is not in it anymore..i have been crying everyday and i'm worried that I will get fired since I didn't do very well on my first day at work.. I was a mess.. i'm mentally exhausted. I think its going to be hard for me to trust again... and i'm going to be so paranoid with any guy that might show interest in me in the future.... I didn't want to go to see him this weekend so I gave him an excuse that I was busy this weekend.. i'm kind of scared to break up with him as I don't know what he will do.. i'm also worried that I might not love anyone again.. I truly thought he was my soulmate...i'm so upset that he deceived me like that... I tired to breakup with him on Thursday but he ended up driving to my place and he was crying telling me that i'm his soulmate so i took him back.. i'm regretting this now.. I had a moment of weakness when I took him back... I just wish all my feelings for him would disappear...

its like you know him he kept on talking about my personality all the time that he really like my personality.. to be honest I'm not the prettiest girl but I think i'm decent looking... he also said he felt hurt and rejected that I wasn't accepting him.... and I said to him what am I not accepting about you and he said well that i'm straight ( but I could tell he wasn't being honest)... I think he doesn't want to come out because of his friends who are homophobic as well as his parents..

confusedlover · January 6, 2018 5:49 pm

thanks Roo, i'm going to break up with him tomorrow .. my gut tells me he is gay.... I'm so sorry for what you went through.. i'm in so much pain with only 6 months I cant imagine what you must be going through after being with someone for 23 years!!!

Last edited by confusedlover (January 6, 2018 5:50 pm)

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» Is He/She Gay
» Is my Boyfriend gay or am i paranoid?

January 3, 2018 9:58 am #1

Is my Boyfriend gay or am i paranoid?

January 3, 2018 1:40 pm #2

Re: Is my Boyfriend gay or am i paranoid?

January 3, 2018 2:03 pm #3

Re: Is my Boyfriend gay or am i paranoid?

January 4, 2018 9:33 am #4

Re: Is my Boyfriend gay or am i paranoid?

walkbymyself wrote:

January 4, 2018 9:45 am #5

Re: Is my Boyfriend gay or am i paranoid?

Duped wrote:

January 4, 2018 12:59 pm #6

Re: Is my Boyfriend gay or am i paranoid?

January 4, 2018 1:31 pm #7

Re: Is my Boyfriend gay or am i paranoid?

January 5, 2018 4:08 pm #8

Re: Is my Boyfriend gay or am i paranoid?

January 6, 2018 5:46 pm #9

Re: Is my Boyfriend gay or am i paranoid?

Kel wrote:

January 6, 2018 5:49 pm #10

Re: Is my Boyfriend gay or am i paranoid?

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