Posted by OneDayAtATime  September 22, 2021 2:03 pm | #1 |
I’ve come a LONG ways. I’m still in the same house, but I have so many boundaries and my own room and bathroom (that I built for myself in the garage) so I have felt safer from his cold hatred of me for a while.
Then this news story comes along, I watched a bit too much, and I’m remembering sooo many times when my trans in denial husband has had me sobbing my guts out over his lack of caring for whether I even live or die. He’s put me in so many risky situations in the past for his own twisted temporary pleasure, and then he’s expressed such fury at me when I didn’t cooperate for my own safety’s sake... and he’s SUCH a nice guy to everyone else... it’s just so triggering. It feels like I will only be safe as long as it coincides with his own plans to look good.
I’ve been working so hard to build up resources to divorce and still be able to support all my kiddos. I’ve released a lot of my old fears that were holding me back.
But I can’t get away from the thought that he wouldn’t be sad if I was rotting in some state park somewhere just like that poor girl. And his family will absolutely always believe he’s such a sweet guy.
Last edited by OneDayAtATime (September 22, 2021 2:10 pm)
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz September 22, 2021 3:03 pm | #2 |
OneDayAtATime wrote:
I’ve come a LONG ways. I’m still in the same house, but I have so many boundaries and my own room and bathroom (that I built for myself in the garage) so I have felt safer from his cold hatred of me for a while.
Then this news story comes along, I watched a bit too much.....I can’t get away from the thought that he wouldn’t be sad if I was rotting in some state park somewhere just like that poor girl. And his family will absolutely always believe he’s such a sweet guy.
Boundaries are good. Boundaries show that you have the strength to make, hold and keep them. Distraction is what you need. Everytime when what he thinks/does/may do/says fills your head and makes your thoughts dwell on this horrible situation...you need a distraction to stop it all filling your mind. I used a mantra. I'd say to myself "it doesn't matter what he thinks, or says, or does...anymore" I got him out of my head.!
I would wake in the night and not be able to get back to sleep because my mind would hop on that analytical train to no-fucking-where and leave me tired and exhausted. But now I have the boundary of a separate room I can turn on the radio beside my bed and listen to other peoples voices.
There are a couple of websites I use to distract me too. I spend a lot of my days alone, but not lonely
Triggering stuff was a problem....until I decided to be stronger than the triggers. Fuck'em 
*hugs* Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Gloria September 24, 2021 9:07 am | #3 |
Having your own bedroom would help. Leaving the lesbian or homosexual and marrying a straight person is bliss. I wish you the best of luck.
