JK:

What you're experiencing is normal. You're going through a transition in your life that you were not prepared for, and it is normal, natural and HEALTHY to be having these swings in your feelings, moods and thoughts. It would be unnormal not to react the way you are reacting, as uncomfortable as the feelings are. 

Recognize that these are feelings, and as you have already pointed out, they are fleeting, they come and go, they can change in a matter of minutes. Normal, Normal. Normal. But the danger here is in thinking that feelings are the same thing as facts. Acknowledge them, be aware of them, but don't let them make any decisions for you, without a reality check first. This is a time to keep your wits about you, and think or get advice before you do anything.

I am struck by how you say you *feel* that your STBX might be wanting to disconnect from his kids, but you didn't mention anything specific that he does that makes you feel that way (or if you did, I completely missed it).. Have you seen evidence of it, or is it a hunch with no proof, or is it an emotion that's riding piggy-back on your other emotions that are swinging back and forth? It's natural and normal for you not to be trusting him, but how do your kids react to him? Do they get the sense that he wants to disengage from them? (I don't know their ages, so I don't know if it's appropriate to ask them, but I think they would notice it; kids always seem to pick up on that stuff, whereas adults usually try to block it and ignore it or over-think things).

Your feelings are going to be on the roller coaster for a while, so don't confuse your feelings with thought processes, that's all I'm trying to get at. What you're feeling is normal, and the feelings will change and change and change again for probably a little while. Be aware of them, but just because you feel something doesn't mean it's true and doesn't mean you have to do anything about them. Keep your brain firmly engaged at all times.

And when all is said and done, you can plan for the future but you cannot control it, and you cannot control anyone else's behavior, so hard as it is, let go of that, if that's anywhere a part of this. Not being in control causes more anxiety, and anxiety causes those emotions to go swinging around again, so if you're hoping / trying / thinking to control anything other than yourself, try to let it go. Put your own oxygen mask on first; you can't help anyone else if you're unconscious. What you are feeling is normal. Some dads become even better dads than they were, some dads disappear, some work out a begrudging schedule with their exes, some take custody of their kids... that all remains to be seen. But keep your eyes open for evidence, breathe, and put the oxygen mask on,

This is hard stuff.

Last edited by BryonM (July 24, 2016 3:05 am)

I have to respond to the tears from the GXH. My daughter told me that when she sees her dad (GID), he always cries. I said 'what the h...does he have to cry about?' I think it's just him trying to get self-pity. The crying is an act. My GIDXH only cries because his life has been inconvenienced. He also puts on a good show around others pretending to be all sad and missing me. It's just AN ACT. It's a way to get people to feel sorry for him because his struggle has been 'sooooo hard.' When the GIDXH has been lying for 30 years, what would make them tell the truth now? 

I have never seen my ex-wife cry..  Never.   I think she is on so many anti-depressants she cannot feel anything.   No remorse.  No compassion.   Rage and hate...lots of thats.

"..And the father's speech was about loyalty to one another".       So the disloyalty of my/our spouses is truly mind boggling.    That's why in the beginning for the longest time I couldn't believe she was cheating on me.   At some point her loyalty switched from me to her girlfriend... I was discarded then like garbage (but keep the check coming).

I do not think I could sit through a wedding at this point in my life.    I do love my kids .   I at no point did not want to be a father or not want them.   The gay ex...sometimes , yes most definitely, her behavior shows she does not want to be mother anymore.    Why take vows before god if you don't mean it.  Why have kids if your rather be out having gay sex.   

No,  my kids are the best thing that ever happened and I have no problem being a father.  I do not act like a 17 year old .  I do not want to go out drinking.     I do not want to stay out overnight with a lover.


 

It has been almost 3 years since my divorce from my transgender ex-husband. A couple more tortured years before, of gradually learning the truth, as he came out after 35 years of marriage.

I'm doing ok,but still trying to adjust and rebuild my lost self. We are somewhat friendly but not real friends, though he would like to be. 

My son is in his mid 20s and struggles to get through everyday. He believes his father never wanted or loved him. I thought his dad was distant always on the outside, but tried to be a good dad. My son tells me how totally alone he was when he was little, and alone with his dad. How his dad Wasn't involved in his life. I sure see this differently, now, that I understand what was always wrong. The thing is my ex really has disappeared from our son. There are attempts at reconciliation but they are met with anger and depression. My son feels that every attempt comes from his dad's needs, without genuine love or interest in his son's pain, and in recognizing the damage or trying to change. My son is devastatingly able to see actions more clearly than words. He is immobilized by his feelings of not being wanted, never being loved by his dad, feeling unloveable. My beautiful son is so totally broken. Finally he is seeing a counselor who is helping him. 
I've read that other's children have been abandoned and "struggle". The word seems so inadequate. How do other parents support them in their pain?  How do they let go of fathers that want to be in their lives, but only bring pain because they cannot be a genuinely loving parent?

My son did not seem surprised when he found a photo of his dad in wig, make up, and a dress. He has said he always thought something was wrong.
I assured him we both always loved him, always will. But my ex was already disengaging and my son apparently always felt not cared for! I had no idea!  By the time I finally told him I was finished, my son and I were more than ready for him to just leave.
My son is gay. He cannot accept that his dad did not understand what he was doing when he chose to marry me. My son cannot forgive that, and sees no evidence that he is or was, loved
Counseling helps. the sense of betrayal and ones life being a lie, is hard for me, but harder for my son