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February 13, 2017 8:04 pm  #1

Lostgirl - this thread is for you

I'm starting this thread for Lostgirl who posted earlier in a different thread....she wrote....

"I found out last August that my husband of 25 years believes that he is bi-sexual.  Unlike many others on here, he has not cheated on me and says he never will.  He always had some fantasies and some kinks, but I believed that they were just that, fantasies.  He says he loves me and wants to stay married but I know he would eventually like to explore this side of his sexuality, I can't think about that happening right now and the fluidity of Bi-sexuality really scares me.  He has begun to notice men and he says it is only about the sex.  But how can he be sure once he is with a man, I don't know if I can do an open marriage and it feels wrong to deny him this side of his sexuality.  I don't want him to grow to resent me if I say I can't allow him to experiment.   I too have experienced the earth shattering pain that everyone on here talks about, the stages of grief, the PTSD the feelings of guilt, the depression, the anger.  I hate living in this limbo and hate even worse that this may last a very, very long time.  I know our chances of getting through this still married are statistically very low but I believe him and want to try.  I need others to talk to that are married to bisexual spouses.  Can this be made to work?  Sometimes I wish he was gay because I could leave, I am afraid he may decide that, "Yes, I'm gay." and I will have stayed in this far longer then I ever should have.  I am in Limbo, inside limbo, inside more limbo, trying to have hope and waiting for the other shoe to drop. "

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

February 13, 2017 8:15 pm  #2

Re: Lostgirl - this thread is for you

Lostgirl - first of all - I hope you are OK with me starting this. I did not want your post to get overlooked and I think you need your own thread to collect all the responses.

Sorry you find yourself here, it really can be a kind of limbo. I would suggest you check out some of the posts by others, in particular vicky and cameron. I think they can both offer perspectives very similar to the situation you find yourself in. If I could offer any advice it would be for you to consider well both your needs and that of your spouse and do not rush into a decision until you've looked at all the pros and cons. Counseling might also be a good idea for you both. It sounds like your spouse is willing to talk and no history of infidelity improves the chances of having honest conversations. Make no mistake - you are at a crossroads and what you decide here will affect your life for a long time.

Peace and strength - please post again soon.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
     Thread Starter

February 13, 2017 9:03 pm  #3

Re: Lostgirl - this thread is for you


Reposted in this section ...   Good for you for reaching out (no matter what forum section).
We get it..      
It is a shock....    Your reaching is out is yourself knowing you need help ..start building a support system to
help with this.

"..I don't want him to grow to resent me if I say I can't allow him to experiment. ".    To me it comes down to marriage vows and what one expected of their spouse.   For me...it was very plain and simple..we vowed before God and family.. The vows are clear and are not complex.   What part of being married didn't they get?  At no point did we say "I will let my partner have sex outside the mariage to make them happy".   Not what was promised..not what was expected.     Who are they to  midway say/show they were not truthful in the beginning.  We suddenly must be nervous they will  be unfaithful with a woman or man?  Why?  Who said this was ok..who are they to decide/rewrite what is right and moral in the marriage ?

Please keep posting. 

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

February 13, 2017 11:42 pm  #4

Re: Lostgirl - this thread is for you

Lost Girl,

I'm so glad you found this forum. I wish I had when I first discovered my husband's secret. To know others were experiencing nearly the same story and that it does get better would have been so comforting. I kept his secret for 26 years. It's so destructive. Don't do it!

No one can tell you what you're husband's sexuality is in truth, but my own experience is that saying one is bi is just a way of avoiding the truth. My soon-to-be-ex husband is still not there yet and may never be. But trust your gut. It doesn't really matter is he's gay, bi, or straight. He's not living up to his wedding vows, and not the man you thought you married. I would suggest you leave his dilemma to him and focus on yourself. Are you going to feel loved and safe and cherished in this relationship? Counseling helped me enormously. I was so caught up in feeling sorry for him, worrying about his feelings, I was slowly dying. Once I declared that his behavior was unacceptable and that our marriage was over, the healing began. I've got a long way to go but I've moved beyond the stage of trying to understand him; I've moved past mourning the death of our marriage; I've started looking forward to the possibilities for the future with someone who loves me the way it should be.
I'm at a different stage than you are but have found so much help in these pages. I would also encourage you to get into counseling if you can. Tell someone you trust and get the hugs and support you need. Don't despair!

Last edited by KellyClark (February 13, 2017 11:42 pm)


February 13, 2017 11:53 pm  #5

Re: Lostgirl - this thread is for you

Daryl - gold star for today.. nice work my friend.  

Lostgirl..  from me.. Lostdad..  I wish you peace and comfort.  Please feel free to share your questions and stories here.  We are here to help you. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


February 14, 2017 11:59 am  #6

Re: Lostgirl - this thread is for you

Wow Daryl you are observant.  It sounds like I wrote that, except for me it's coming up on 19 years now.  Word for word though.  I often refer to it as being in limbo. 
Lostgirl, feel free to contact me at vickym7673@yahoo.com or here if you want to chat.


February 15, 2017 11:48 pm  #7

Re: Lostgirl - this thread is for you

First, Thank you Daryl for putting my post in the right place.  Many thanks to everyone who has offered words of encouragement and understanding it has meant so much to me.   I have seen a counselor but it's only been a few times, just starting really, looking for ways to self soothe and figuring out what I need.  I immersed myself in everything I could read and listen to and learn from when my spouse told me about being bi-sexual, I had to understand as much as I could, but then I realized I was drowning myself in it all, it just became too much.  I so needed affirmation of what I have been feeling and people to talk, people who understand this because they have traveled the same road I am on.  One day at a time, hoping I learn the lessons that I am supposed to and become a stronger person because of this.
​Bless all those who are broken, Lostgirl 


February 16, 2017 7:31 pm  #8

Re: Lostgirl - this thread is for you

Glad to see you back, just keep talking. Others will respond and there's lots of other info and threads here to take in. It can be a bit overwhelming at times.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
     Thread Starter

November 20, 2017 12:55 am  #9

Re: Lostgirl - this thread is for you

Nice to meet you Lostgirl. We seem to be in exactly the same place. Your situation sounds very much like mine. I'm new here too. Would love to talk with you/support you or just compare notes. The best thing I have found in this network is I'm not alone and that brings tears to my eyes just typing that. I have felt so alone for too long, that's why. Quite shocked how common this is, really. It does not lesson the hell unfolding around us but now I have a place to go where I am completely understood, not judged and actually supported. I found a support group (not online) through the SSN. I am going to try that hopefully this week. Perhaps you can find one near you on the SSN site. Someone got back to me the next day. [img]http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/happy.png[/img] 


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