We have been having a lot of open and honest conversations since he told me...some good and some bad. I did find out that he cheated twice both when he was away for business. The first time was years ago (before our son was born) and the second time was about a month ago. He said that he did not have sex either time but he still did cheat...which is an entirely different emotional roller coaster.

Rene,

Cheating is cheating.  He's likely trying to convince you that although there was cheating, there was no actual penetration.  Which honestly, doesn't matter.  And also - brutally honestly - probably isn't the truth.  It's a well-known fact that two gay men have no one to put the brakes on.  Men don't get into the bedroom (with either a man or a woman) just to sit around.  They know why they're there, and they have every intention of fulfilling that desire.  It's likely that he thinks that he can look better to you if he doesn't admit to actual penetration.  But let's face it - if YOU had gone into a bedroom with a man and done all sorts of things, do you think HE wouldn't have thought that was cheating?  I highly doubt it.

If he's admitted to some cheating, there's likely more.  It's possible that he's telling you the truth and the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  But we've seen time and again here that it's usually just the tip of the iceberg that they're allowing you to see.

Please know that he's had years to come to terms with his feelings, so he's going to be much further along in the process than you are.  Please don't buy into the lie that you should be as accepting of what he's done as he is, because that's just not possible after he's known for years how he's felt.  You have every right to be freaking out and angry and upset and sad.  You're NOT overreacting.

Kel

Rene82, 
PLEASE go get testing for every STI! He admitted to cheating, but didn’t exactly define what that is to him. He told you what he didn’t do; but did he tell you what he actually did do?
sometimes it’s what’s not said that is more important…

take care you & your children. we know your pain.

CT

 

Rene, 

Welcome to our sad club.  I'm so sorry you are here.  But you are in the right place.  We can offer you a lot of support and advice and compassion.  Please continue to reach out.  Read a lot about what others have shared from their own experiences.  You will be amazed at how similar so many of our stories are.  

I'm almost 5 months past finding out my life was destroyed.  I was a mess.  I took off work for a couple weeks, went to the Dr. for some anti-depressants and sleeping pills and found mulitple friends, pastors, councilors, etc..  It was not weakness that drove me to these measures.  It was strength.  I knew that I needed help and was brave enough to reach out for it.  Please do the same for yourself.  This is your rainy day.. call in your favors and friends and get support and help. 

I thought at first that my wife was being honest and respectful to me.  Later I found out that she wasn't asking for a divorce just because she was a lesbian and wanted a different future.  The reality was that she had fallen in love with another woman and that was the motivation for her to make the change.  The lying and cheating cut me to the core and I will always have scars from that.  

As Kel said, most likely your husband has done a lot more than he is admitting to you.  Sorry to say it.  I hope we are wrong in your case.. but experience tells us that it's usually the case. 

Thinking of you during this hard time.