eholmes5: My husband spent years lying to me about who he was and why he was the way he was, and I spent years trying to figure it out. I think at the end of the day there is a very simple question, which is: given where you are right now in this relationship, are you happy? Are you satisfied, content? Is this situation acceptable to you?  If your child was in a similar situation, what would you advise?

For me, at the end of the day, I wasted too much time trying to figure things out. Does it matter if he is gay or straight, when he is someone who lies to you? That's not an innie or an outie issue: it's a character defect.

Emma,
    Your husband has been giving you what's known as "the trickle truth," meaning that he's owning up to only what you discover and have evidence for.  You can also pretty much count on the fact that what he's owning up to, and what you're discovering, is only the tip of the iceberg--as you've discovered already, the oral sex is just what was above the waterline--now you've discovered there's more you weren't able to see (the Viagra and prep). 

Your husband is minimizing--oh, I didn't have sex-sex, only oral sex. [and, after you discover the Viagra and prep] Well, yes, I did have Viagra and prep, but I never used it!  I only had it because I was anxious."  This is simply not believable, and your husband, who has been having oral sex (not "contact") with men for twenty years, is not an honest broker or to be trusted to give you an honest answer (aka "the truth") about his behavior.  Don't get tripped up trying to figure out whether men who don't actually have sex with men acquire Viagra and prep; focus on his behavior, and what his having those two items imply, especially in the context of twenty years of deception.

His "explanations" have the effect of misdirection, that is, they shift your attention away from his actions and on to his state of mind, which is designed to get you to think about his emotional state and not his actual behavior.  In the end, it doesn't matter WHY he has prep and Viagra.  What matters is that he HAS it, and that one doesn't acquire it unless one wishes to use it, or believes there's a good chance one will have the opportunity to use it.   

Also: please go to your doctor and have yourself tested for STIs.

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 11, 2026 8:00 am)

Vee00, RUN as fast as you can! You’re right: this may be more than a sexual relationship if he’s been communicating with this person during your relationship. You should also assume that just oral sex means they went to second base, based on lies of omission. However, please ask yourself the root question: Is this what you want for another nine years? Please run!