OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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- PrincipledLife
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
eholmes5: My husband spent years lying to me about who he was and why he was the way he was, and I spent years trying to figure it out. I think at the end of the day there is a very simple question, which is: given where you are right now in this relationship, are you happy? Are you satisfied, content? Is this situation acceptable to you? If your child was in a similar situation, what would you advise?
For me, at the end of the day, I wasted too much time trying to figure things out. Does it matter if he is gay or straight, when he is someone who lies to you? That's not an innie or an outie issue: it's a character defect.
- emma
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
dear sean and everybody. have a quite blunt question for you, sorry about that.
my husband says he is bi, i discovered last year he has been having oral contact with men for around 20 years. as so he says. but later i discoverend viagra and prep. he says he almost never used it, and it was for his anxiety mostly the prep because it was not necessary really..... i am totally not sure wheter to believe him. and why need viagra in just oral sex? or is this common? so sorry to ask you these questions but i do not know who else to ask.... thanx a lot for an open and honest reply .
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Emma,
Your husband has been giving you what's known as "the trickle truth," meaning that he's owning up to only what you discover and have evidence for. You can also pretty much count on the fact that what he's owning up to, and what you're discovering, is only the tip of the iceberg--as you've discovered already, the oral sex is just what was above the waterline--now you've discovered there's more you weren't able to see (the Viagra and prep).
Your husband is minimizing--oh, I didn't have sex-sex, only oral sex. [and, after you discover the Viagra and prep] Well, yes, I did have Viagra and prep, but I never used it! I only had it because I was anxious." This is simply not believable, and your husband, who has been having oral sex (not "contact") with men for twenty years, is not an honest broker or to be trusted to give you an honest answer (aka "the truth") about his behavior. Don't get tripped up trying to figure out whether men who don't actually have sex with men acquire Viagra and prep; focus on his behavior, and what his having those two items imply, especially in the context of twenty years of deception.
His "explanations" have the effect of misdirection, that is, they shift your attention away from his actions and on to his state of mind, which is designed to get you to think about his emotional state and not his actual behavior. In the end, it doesn't matter WHY he has prep and Viagra. What matters is that he HAS it, and that one doesn't acquire it unless one wishes to use it, or believes there's a good chance one will have the opportunity to use it.
Also: please go to your doctor and have yourself tested for STIs.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 11, 2026 8:00 am)