OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
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- thoughtuweresleeping
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Re: Gay Wife
Sorry to hear you're experiencing this. Props to you for suggesting couples therapy. It generally takes a good amount of self awareness to do that, and many don't. So be kind to yourself that you proposed that idea.
My experience is that couples therapy is often best done when you're both in a good place but want to work on communication to keep things good. That's not a luxury if you've been caught off guard like this. When things have broken down, or someone wants out, it often becomes a ping-pong game of crisis talks.
In my case the script flip went the other way. It was all about the gender identity/orientation, and I was trying to find a way through it to see if we could find compromise. Having attempted this, bam, overnight, there were all these other, bigger problems.
Having read up on it, I do understand that realising you're someone else and breaking up a partnership or family is probably not going to feel good. But like we all rate ourselves as better than other drivers, nobody wants a narrative of rejecting a perfectly good partner for self interest. For one thing, it's probably not a good story to tell the kids when they're older. "Useless partner" is a pretty good well understood reason for leaving, it's vague enough to track and most people have enough flaws that it's plausible.
It messed with my mind, and in truth I still don't get it. So if you find yourself in that headspace, I would always recommend individual therapy so you can have space to discuss your feelings away from the couples sessions.
Last edited by thoughtuweresleeping (July 17, 2026 8:19 am)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Gay Wife
strongheart wrote:
. .... I ended up going through her phone, which I know I shouldn’t be doing, but I did.
.
If this, going through her phone, was the only way to discover what she was keeping from you then in my opinion good on you! It wasn't a privacy breach but a self-protection move because you need to be forewarned and forearmed with the facts to avoid the inevitable Mindfuck your life becomes when you don't* know the real reason for her wanting a divorce.
So in my mind you're a step ahead already. That will sound a bit callous but I'm through the Mindfuck, gaslighting, confusion and secrets with my life totally changed, not for the better or worse. Simply not the same.
It's really difficult to realise you need to get your ducks in a row to have any chance of getting through this in a calm and determined manner. You'll get plenty of advice here but you need to know where you stand legally so as Rob said... See a lawyer. Asking for legal advice doesn't mean you're throwing in the towel, it just means you won't be left standing buck naked in the cold.
Elle
Edited to add..... Couples counseling is a waste of time. She knows she's gay, you know you're straight, the only middleground is friendship. You deserve your own therapist 👍 Focus on You!
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (July 17, 2026 2:07 pm)
KIA KAHA
- Blue Bear
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Re: Gay Wife
Hey, there strongheart.
Sorry you are dealing with this. They LOVE to blame us for their same-sex affairs, which makes zero sense. In my case, my only real fault was that I wasn't the wife that my ex-wife lacked the courage to admit she needed. She blamed me for being "too much of a family man", etc. Ridiculous. You can read my story here:
I also discovered my wife's same sex attraction by going through her phone. I hate how this is sometimes characterized as snooping or something nefarious. We were simply gaining access to information that had been denied from us for entirely too long.
Good luck. My suggestion? Get the heck out as soon as you can. There's a better life on the other side, I promise.