strongheart wrote:

. .... I ended up going through her phone, which I know I shouldn’t be doing, but I did.
.

 
If this, going through her phone, was the only way to discover what she was keeping from you then in my opinion good on you! It wasn't a privacy breach but a self-protection move because you need to be forewarned and forearmed with the facts to avoid the inevitable Mindfuck your life becomes when you don't* know the real reason for her wanting a divorce.
So in my mind you're a step ahead already. That will sound a bit callous but I'm through the Mindfuck, gaslighting, confusion and secrets with my life totally changed, not for the better or worse. Simply not the same.

It's really difficult to realise you need to get your ducks in a row to have any chance of getting through this in a calm and determined manner. You'll get plenty of advice here but you need to know where you stand legally so as Rob said... See a lawyer. Asking for legal advice doesn't mean you're throwing in the towel, it just means you won't be left standing buck naked in the cold.

Elle

Edited to add..... Couples counseling is a waste of time. She knows she's gay, you know you're straight, the only middleground is friendship. You deserve your own therapist 👍 Focus on You!

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (July 17, 2026 2:07 pm)

Strong heart,

I’m so sorry about your situation, but I’m also incredibly glad I’ve come across this thread because your story is so similar to how my year has unfolded.

Back in February, my ex wanted to end our relationship and said it was because of things I had done wrong. She said I had become emotionally unavailable, stopped communicating properly, that we wanted different things, and that she felt lonely. The emotional security and trust between us had broken down.

We had been together for 15 years and have two children.

I slept on it and came back the following morning and told her I wanted to fight for our relationship and our family. I suggested couples therapy, and we gave it a genuine go for around three months.

My focus throughout therapy was on becoming a more emotionally supportive partner, communicating better and understanding what she needed from me. At the same time, she told me she wasn’t sure what she wanted from life anymore or even who she was.

I had absolutely no idea that this might be connected to her sexuality.

I assumed she had lost her sense of identity after becoming a mother, having limited hobbies and being unhappy in a career she didn’t enjoy. I thought perhaps she needed to rediscover herself.

Therapy actually seemed to be going well. We were communicating better and I genuinely felt that we were making progress.

In May, I proposed.

It wasn’t some huge grand gesture. To me, it was more a symbol of my commitment and a promise that I wanted to keep growing, improving and fighting for us.

She initially said yes.

About an hour later, she told me she couldn’t do it. She said she felt sick and was in shock, and she gave the ring back.

I was absolutely heartbroken.

Since then, we’ve still been living together while trying to navigate the breakup, and honestly, it has been a complete head fuck.

Her behaviour hasn’t always been consistent with someone who has decided the relationship is over. We’ve slept together multiple times. We’ve continued to act like a couple at times. She has asked for intimacy and affection and has behaved like my partner in many ways.

I could go on, but the mixed messages made absolutely no sense to me.

I kept trying to understand what was happening and, right up until September, I was still giving everything I had to trying to fix things for my family.

Eventually, I couldn’t make sense of it anymore.

I looked through her phone for answers.

I know that was wrong, and I have taken responsibility for it. But I found messages between her and people in her rugby team and work colleagues discussing her sexuality, planning trips to gay bars, talking about coming-out parties and nights out.

I was devastated.

This was the woman I had loved for 15 years. My best friend. The person I thought I knew better than anyone.

And there were conversations happening within her circle about something this significant, while I had absolutely no idea.

I felt completely blindsided.

I eventually confronted her and admitted that I had looked through her phone. I felt sick and guilty about doing it, but I also couldn’t unsee what I had found.

Initially she denied it. Eventually she told me that she doesn’t know whether she is gay or not and that she is still trying to understand these feelings. She also accused me of trying to change the narrative of why the relationship ended.

That has been incredibly difficult for me.

I absolutely accept responsibility for my part in the breakdown of our relationship. I know I had faults. I know I became emotionally unavailable, struggled to communicate and didn’t give her the emotional connection she needed. I’m working hard to understand that and change those parts of myself.

But I also keep coming back to the fact that her sexuality is something I could never have fixed by becoming a better partner.

I could have changed my behaviour. I could have communicated better. I could have been more emotionally available.

But I couldn’t change who she is or what she may be discovering about herself.

And that’s where I’m completely stuck.

I’m living in this horrible limbo where my entire world feels like it has fallen apart, but the person at the centre of it is still sitting in the same house as me every day.

She acts like everything is normal at times. She’ll talk to me, ask me for things, come to me for comfort and still ask for intimacy, including massages and sex.

I’ve started saying no.

Not because I don’t love her. Quite the opposite.

Because I do.

Every time I allow myself to slip back into being her partner, I feel like I’m ripping the wound open again afterwards.

I’m trying to create some boundaries now, but it’s incredibly difficult when you’ve spent 15 years being someone’s person and suddenly you’re supposed to stop behaving like their partner while they’re still right there beside you.

I feel completely lost.

I don’t hate her. I don’t want to hate her. I still love her deeply.

But I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m confused. I’m grieving the relationship, my best friend, my family as I knew it and the future I thought we were going to have.

And I’m struggling with the thought that she may eventually build a new life with a woman while I still have to see her because we’ll always be connected through our children.

Some days I genuinely wonder how I’m ever going to get through this.

I’m hoping people here who have been through something similar can tell me what eventually helped them.

Because right now, it feels like this pain is never going to end.

The sad thing is from the outside we seem like a normal couple and the children still don’t know. I hate how cold she has become and is dead cert on pushing for her new life now. Getting everything in action and planning nights out regularly now whilst I feel left behind trying to keep the family and household ticking over