Emma-
I’m so sorry you find yourself here!

As for telling your kids, I can’t offer advice, as my children found out that my husband was bi (I believe gay) when he was arrested for soliciting an undercover officer for sex in a park (you can read my story under the support thread). But, I can offer advice related to him telling you that he will never cheat again.

Just like you, I have been married for more than 30 years and my husband admitted to cheating multiple times with various men over 20 of those years. While trying to work on our marriage the last 8 months, I found sexually explicit text messages he sent to an old high school friend of his that also happens to be a married, closeted bisexual. That was 2 weeks ago. Well, that was the last straw. Just like someone else mentioned to you, I believe cheating for more than 20 years (a serial cheater) is an addiction. My husband is not capable of being faithful, either to a man or to a woman, in my opinion. He seeks constant validation and attention. It’s a craving.

Obviously, not all people are the same and your husband could be the exception. I encourage you to be alert, trust your instincts and don’t be naive. My husband banked on my naivety and my commitment to our marriage vows. He admitted that he thought I’d never leave no matter what he did. But, there comes a point that you must respect yourself when your partner won’t. That’s the reason I’m leaving my marriage. I decided 9 days ago that I want a divorce. It’s been hell so far but it’s clear there’s nothing to save. I will no longer be his “beard” and his place of comfort to come home to when has disrespected and humiliated me in the worst possible way.

I wish you all the best!

Just came across this.  The "will never do it again" promise is ridiculous.  He already broke your wedding vows, so why trust him to "never do it again" when he never should have done it ever?

Setting that aside, ask yourself this question.  Take yourself back in time to the very beginning of your relationship.  Imagine that you're looking at your husband as part of a dating profile.  In it, he discloses "bisexual but probably gay" and "will cheat" and "dishonest".  He's proven up all of these things.  Would you date him or even consider marrying him?

Hi Emma, reading your posts the main problem in getting unstuck is the impact it is going to have on your life, your children in particular, and income of course.  I think you must have realised your husband is being manipulative and deceptive in his attitude towards you.  It's just such bad news on every level.

So you have reached out here, which is a great start and helps you get your head together and keep talking and asking us questions all the way but the thing that will help the most now is if you can reach out to someone in your life, do you have any family and friends you can confide in?

I know from my own experience and from reading the stories here that one of the things we feel an unthinking reluctance to do is spill the beans on our spouse.  But once you do it, what a relief, it's like finding the ground under your feet and gives you a place from where to think about what you want to do next.

The whole "cheated for 20 years promises not to do it again" is a ridiculous promise designed to keep his life with you intact - so he can still have his secret life on the side.  This forum is full of stories of people whose gay spouse promised they'd "never do it again"....and then they did it again.  Unfortunately it's part of the experience.

I'm the one who told our 20-something kids that their dad was gay, at a time my GXH and I had agreed upon.  Far from being blamed, to them I am the one who told the truth and explained the strange behavior they lived with for years before we knew what was actually happening. 

The way to not burden them is by not using them as a sounding board or as your therapist.  It is possible to be honest with your kids and yet save the processing (there's so much to process!) for your therapist or a trusted friend.