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- Alex1984
- Member
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Re: tel my bij kids about cheating bi/gay husband in closet?
Hi Emma
So sorry about your situation..
His secret is not yours to keep. There is a middle ground between outing an LGBTQ person and being locked into their closet with them forever. You deserve to be processing your feelings and telling your story, too. Work on a reasonable "coming out" timeline with your husband and your/his therapist. Craft a story that both you and him will be comfortable for the world to know.
Our story is very different, but my husband and I discussed something like 6-12 months if he wanted to stay together. Had he chosen to leave, I would have probably not cared about whether he comes out or not. I did insist on telling 2-3 close friends early on (we discussed which friends).
He ended up accelerating the journey and we told our four children three months in. There was no cheating and we are still together (he is bi), so yeah, different story, but honesty and authenticity was important for me.
Good luck!
Unfortunately, I would second the warning to take his promise not to cheat with a grain of salt. Even if he is 100% committed to change, serial cheating can be a compulsive and challenging habit to get rid of. It's not about him being gay or bi - he would likely cheat even if he was with a man. But if otherwise your relationship is good - maybe worth considering thr repair. Feel free to read our story on the MOM thread.
- Denial 33
- New member
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Re: tel my bij kids about cheating bi/gay husband in closet?
Emma-
I’m so sorry you find yourself here!
As for telling your kids, I can’t offer advice, as my children found out that my husband was bi (I believe gay) when he was arrested for soliciting an undercover officer for sex in a park (you can read my story under the support thread). But, I can offer advice related to him telling you that he will never cheat again.
Just like you, I have been married for more than 30 years and my husband admitted to cheating multiple times with various men over 20 of those years. While trying to work on our marriage the last 8 months, I found sexually explicit text messages he sent to an old high school friend of his that also happens to be a married, closeted bisexual. That was 2 weeks ago. Well, that was the last straw. Just like someone else mentioned to you, I believe cheating for more than 20 years (a serial cheater) is an addiction. My husband is not capable of being faithful, either to a man or to a woman, in my opinion. He seeks constant validation and attention. It’s a craving.
Obviously, not all people are the same and your husband could be the exception. I encourage you to be alert, trust your instincts and don’t be naive. My husband banked on my naivety and my commitment to our marriage vows. He admitted that he thought I’d never leave no matter what he did. But, there comes a point that you must respect yourself when your partner won’t. That’s the reason I’m leaving my marriage. I decided 9 days ago that I want a divorce. It’s been hell so far but it’s clear there’s nothing to save. I will no longer be his “beard” and his place of comfort to come home to when has disrespected and humiliated me in the worst possible way.
I wish you all the best!