One of the hardest adjustments I had to make in my thinking was to stop thinking my spouse thought like I did with respect to the other person.  You find it difficult to accept that your wife "doesn't seem moved" by your need to "feel safe" because if the shoe were on the other foot, you would definitely accommodate her.  I'd venture to guess that's because she doesn't see you as a person with needs equal to hers, but as a support person for her.   You've turned into her safety net, there when she wants you to be, for what she wants you to be, which she feels entitled to, for whatever reason (in my case it was because the universe had seen fit to "punish" my male husband with maleness, instead of the femaleness he so desperately wished for).  And safety nets, as objects of use rather than subjects in their own right, don't have to be considered when deciding one's actions.

  It's very hard to stop focusing on their emotions and well-being (your observation that your wife is "angry and hurt and scared") and to stop excusing their behavior and altering our own in relation to them based on their emotions, and start focusing on our own emotional well-being, and acting to support and protect it.  It's even more difficult when their words and their behavior don't align.  My ex used to say things about being supportive or cognizant of my feelings, but what he did indicated otherwise.  That looks to be the case with you, too.  She said she would "cancel" her trip and "set that pursuit" aside, but then she made plans to go.  How can you now trust that she will do as she promises, and not have sex with the woman she's going to see?  She's already priming herself to do what she wants by building up a head of resentment by casting you as an impediment who is trying to make her "feel guilty."  

    

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 26, 2026 8:03 am)

Good for you for getting some distance. 

It took a long time for me to stop caring about my GXH's experience and center myself and my needs.  It helped a lot when he moved out.  It took me a while to adjust, but I didn't really understand how much energy I spent trying to bend to accommodate his needs until he left.  It was a big burden lifted. 

Please remember that your decisions need to center around YOU and what YOU need.  You & your wife might not agree on how to proceed - remember that there is a very high long term cost that comes with  accommodating someone who is not reciprocating. 

Thanks again for all the words of support. It has been a month since my last post. My wife went to NY, spent 3 days getting to know her new girlfriend. There were many omissions and half truths given to me, some big, some not, but all of which made me feel outside the narrative. I became a supporting actor in our life, not a co-star. Anyways, I summarize this trip update in “my story”, but my wife has agreed to move out of the house this week. I have been sleeping in the basement for the past 10 days and am looking forward to having made some decisions that don’t cause so much internal strife. I am starting to look at the logistical side of separation, which sucks, but at least feels actionable, which is better than just being in limbo.
I do feel super needy and insecure at the moment, asking for love from friends and family, going back and forth if I am making the right decision with this breakup…anyways, I’m hoping that once she moves out I will have the bandwidth to get out into the community more, make new friends and focus on getting grounded again. Spring is the season of rebirth, renewal and change. Hopefully there will be some sunny days ahead.

Last edited by misterb eloto (Today 9:19 pm)