One of the hardest adjustments I had to make in my thinking was to stop thinking my spouse thought like I did with respect to the other person.  You find it difficult to accept that your wife "doesn't seem moved" by your need to "feel safe" because if the shoe were on the other foot, you would definitely accommodate her.  I'd venture to guess that's because she doesn't see you as a person with needs equal to hers, but as a support person for her.   You've turned into her safety net, there when she wants you to be, for what she wants you to be, which she feels entitled to, for whatever reason (in my case it was because the universe had seen fit to "punish" my male husband with maleness, instead of the femaleness he so desperately wished for).  And safety nets, as objects of use rather than subjects in their own right, don't have to be considered when deciding one's actions.

  It's very hard to stop focusing on their emotions and well-being (your observation that your wife is "angry and hurt and scared") and to stop excusing their behavior and altering our own in relation to them based on their emotions, and start focusing on our own emotional well-being, and acting to support and protect it.  It's even more difficult when their words and their behavior don't align.  My ex used to say things about being supportive or cognizant of my feelings, but what he did indicated otherwise.  That looks to be the case with you, too.  She said she would "cancel" her trip and "set that pursuit" aside, but then she made plans to go.  How can you now trust that she will do as she promises, and not have sex with the woman she's going to see?  She's already priming herself to do what she wants by building up a head of resentment by casting you as an impediment who is trying to make her "feel guilty."  

    

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (Today 8:03 am)